Married but crushing on someone else

About two years ago a celebrity friend of mine asked me if I have ever fallen in love with someone else since I got married. LOL…that to me looks like a JAMB question so I asked him to answer the question first before I give my answer. His answer was yes and mine was same. Aha…wait before you crucify me, I know there is a thin line between lust and love and sometimes we may have been infatuated with someone else and think we are in love with the person.

I know we have been taught to fall in love over and over with our spouse and never be distracted with a strange woman or man. But the reality is intimacy in marriage is intentional. To keep falling in love with your spouse continuously takes work, yes hard work. Marriage is not for lazy folks. You see, distractions will come, in fact you may think you did not make the best marital choice if you decide to check out every person that catches your fancy.

For the married, it is very important to constantly ask yourself ‘why did I get married to him/her in the first place?’. I am sure you were so much in love with this person before you married him or her. What are those things you ‘fell’ for? (if indeed you fell in love then LOL). An honest answer to these questions is the first move in redirecting your focus and attention to the one you love.
What about the singles who are engaged and courting, planning to walk down the aisle yet crushing on someone else? You may need to pause to dot your Is and cross your Ts. You really need to pause to know if your heart is sending you a signal you need not ignore. It will be very bad to be married to one person and be connected emotionally to someone else. Pressures should not be the reason you want to marry. Love should be the reason. In the words of Praise Fowowe, ‘Love is a decision that is based on a commitment to add value to someone else for the rest of your life without expecting a thank you’.

It is very good for singles to go for pre-marital counselling before walking down the aisle. It is not a good experience to be married and wishing to be single all over again. Take all the time you need to make the choice that will walk through the journey of life with you no matter what you face.

When last did you hug your Spouse?

adobe-spark-1How often do you hug your Spouse?

Did you know that by hugging your spouse you immediately give them the benefit of boosting their
oxytocin levels; and that oxytocin levels are responsible for how a person feels. So a simple hug can
reduce the feelings of loneliness, isolation and anger for your spouse.

Did you know that when you hug for several moments you can lift their levels of serotonin and this
can improve your spouse’s mood?

Did you know that a hug between you and your spouse can reduce blood pressure and stress? And
When you help your spouse release their stress it can make a marriage stronger.

Did you know that a hug a day keeps the doctor away? Hugging daily is important because you can
keep your spouse healthy.

Did you know that when you hug there is an easy pressure that is placed on the sternum which creates an emotional charge activating the Solar Plexus Chakra, stimulating the thymus gland, which takes care of body’s production of the white blood cells and those keep a person free from disease and healthy?

Did you know that when you hug your spouse daily the non-verbal physical contact will help them sleep better? Better sleep leads to an array of benefits for your spouse. Studies have shown that a hug lowers stress, which means better sleep.

Did you know that Hugging can lead to kisses and kissing may lead to more intimate moments? A hug a day can improve the intimacy in your marriage. It can even lead to a more vibrant sex life.

Did you know that you should hug your spouse each and every day as an act of showing your love to them? Giving a hug is one of the simplest ways to show your love. Anytime, anywhere a hug can is a healthy reminder to your spouse of why you love them so much.

It’s now time for you to go and hug your spouse each and every day, so that your marriage will become stronger.

I just shared 7 Benefits of Hugging Your Spouse Every Day and it is an excerpt from How to Honeymoon for Life.

How to Honeymoon for Life 2

Hello beautiful souls, it’s a great day. We started a series yesterday on How to honeymoon for life. We established that it is important to write out our relationship/romance goals and also create a romance/relationship vision board. It is necessary that you do those two if you are determined to honeymoon for life. Now let’s take this higher…

Let me start with this; think not what your spouse will do to make you happy rather think of what to do to spice up his or her life always. And this takes us to love language. I know you must have heard of love language countless times but the truth is, it does magic to relationships. When you speak your partner’s love language, it shows you are not selfish and you care about what makes him or her happy. I love the way my Mentor defines love; he says, ‘love is a commitment to keep adding value to someone’s life for the rest day of your life without waiting for thank you’. That may sound harsh but it is the raw meaning of unconditional love.

Your spouse’s love language can be physical touch, receiving of gifts, quality time, words of affirmation or acts of service. Now, it is possible to have a combination of two or more love languages; where one will be in greater percentage that the other love language(s). It is possible to identify your spouse’s love language by observing how he or she appreciates people. Please note that what hurts also instructs. What is that thing that will hurt your spouse if you fail to do it to him or her? That ‘thing’ is his/her love language. For instance, if you fail to hug your spouse the way he/she wants and he or she gets angry because of this; it means physical touch (hug) is his/her love language.

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Now you get the drift, today, go find out what your spouse’s love language is and build his or her emotional bank. Did you find this post helpful? If yes, click like or drop a comment. Tomorrow we will delve deeper into this topic. Do have a romantic day!

Help! My Spouse is moving in opposite direction….

  ‘Can two Individuals walk in same direction without first agreeing to do so? ‘- Prophet Amos

It is so frustrating to be married to someone who doesn’t believe in your vision or dream. It is energy draining to be soul knitted to someone who doesn’t see the future you paint and anticipate. Nothing is as beautiful as having a partner/spouse who is your number one cheerleader. It is great synergy to have a lover who watches your back as you go to the field to do what you are called to do; what you are specifically configured for.

I put it to you that it is pertinent to have purpose before partner. It is better to know the future you anticipate before you ‘drag’ in your future partner into the picture. You may need to ask Mary who ‘wombed’ the Messiah how frustrating it was initially when her spouse Joseph didn’t initially believe her purpose of birthing the Messiah. God your creator knows you need a supporting spouse to function well and finish strong. This He proved when He threw all His weight behind Moses’ wife Zipporoah when she was criticized and victimized by her in-laws for belonging to a tribe God instructed them not to marry from. Now wait, it was this same God that instructed Moses’ tribe not to marry from Midian where Zipporoah emanated from. It was Zipporoah’s father that housed and catered from Moses when he fled from Egypt because the enthroned Pharaoh was after his life for defending the people of Israel. Moses needed to stay away from the public for a while to prepare him for the great task ahead of delivering the children of Israel from captive. Zipporoah’s father, Jethro not only provided the place of abode for Moses but also gave him his blessings for him to marry his daughter.

While courting, Moses took time out to explain his vision to Zipporoah, he told her how he awaits a time when his people would be delivered from the captive; how it would happen however remain clueless to him. Zipporoah believed his vision despite having a ‘foreign’ origin.

Fast forward to the burning bush experience; it was time for Moses to go deliver his people from the slave master and guess what he got his wife’s support and blessings and I am sure she kept praying while Moses went ahead to challenge Pharaoh (phew!)

Fast forward to when the nation of Israel got their freedom and was on their way to their promise land, Moses’ siblings scorned and despised Moses for marrying from a forbidden tribe. It was a slap on Moses’ face and that of his spouse; but guess what? God was so proud of all the support that Zipporoah gave her husband all through and He had no choice than to punish Moses’ siblings for their insolence. God knows it is suicidal to go on a mission or embark on a vision whose success has many lives attached to it without YOU having the full support of your soul mate; this is critical. There is so much to share on this topic …

To this effect, my faculty and I will be teaching singles in MENTORING SINGLES master class on 4th, 5th & 6th September and we have decided to include this topic SELF DISCOVERY: Finding Purpose before Partner in our course outline. It is a course that is deep and compulsory for everyone that desires fulfillment in life and marriage. Take advantage of this awesome experience; Send ‘ September masterclass as subject of the mail; your full names and whatsapp number to whensinglesgather@gmail.com and we will get back to you as soon as possible. Your beautiful future has begun already. I believe, do you?help edited

Do me a favour…Fall in love with Me!

When was the last time you took time out to celebrate how far you have come in life? Do you even have time to appreciate who you are on the way to where you are going? Today, I challenge you to love yourself deeply, wholly, fully and unconditionally; only then are you properly positioned to love your spouse, loved ones and others regardless of their weakness.

At a time in my life I was so busy trying to have a perfect home and trying to always be there for my spouse that I forgot and hardly had the time to give myself a special treat. Oh yes, you do deserve a special treat and not once in a lifetime but often. Do not wait till someone takes you out to ‘spoil you silly’; you may need to be the one to ask yourself out at times and give yourself the special treatment you deserve. Don’t be too busy working to amass wealth and end up losing your health when the wealth comes.

I felt that as long as my home looks like a palace and there is always a smile on my spouse’s face, I was okay, but I got it all wrong. I gave myself away selflessly forgetting to reserve anything for ‘me’ and that started affecting me negatively. I became so ‘worn out’ because I never took time out to be refreshed. It is great to look after the welfare of your spouse, home and kids but do not forget to look after yourself too. Always look at the mirror and observe if the reflection of who you see is a better you or a ‘worn-out’ you.

In the words of Sarah D. Jakes, “you have to love yourself first; because that’s the only way you can truly love another imperfect person”. I love the words of Olakunle Soriyan which reads, “I’ve come to realize that the smallest thing to do in life is to make myself happy”. My husband often says, “no one can make you sad without your consent”. It therefore means that it is paramount that you should be happy in life; and if you are surrounded by those who do not make you happy, find a way to make yourself happy. You cannot make other people happy if you’re sad. Let me ask you a question, “What are those things you derive joy in doing and when last did you do them?”

A lot of leaders are lonely and depressed and that is why suicide cases are increasing all over the world. There are times that you will face great challenges and you must build your own circle of cheerleaders. Do you have people who can encourage you no matter what you’re passing through? You may have a lot of pressures on you as a leader, you need to have confidants or mentors who you respect, who can look you straight in the eye to tell you to take a ‘serious’ break when you need one. Don’t overwork yourself till you break down.

The grave is filled with lots of people who never fully lived their lives. People viewed them as successful but never knew they battled inwardly with depression, loneliness and rejection; and as such ended their lives because they didn’t enjoy it. Learn to hang around those who celebrate you and those who will stop at nothing to bring out the best in you. Fall in love with yourself because if you do, you will stop at nothing to make yourself happy. Know when the law of diminishing returns set in and when to take a break to rest or go for a long vacation. Do not die before your time; do not fix your funeral for when the applause is loudest (when the world needs you most). You are phenomenal, see yourself that way and love yourself fully. Don’t be a solution provider who refuses to use the prescription he recommends for others when he too needs it.

A call to my Spouse’s ex

angry 3Are you in a relationship where your spouse’s ex keeps hovering and hanging around? Is your spouse’s phone constantly bombarded by his/her ex demanding needless attention? Do you ever wonder why single girls refuse to respect the sanctity of matrimony and keep pursuing married men despite even knowing his wife one on one? Just hang in there because I have a word for you right here….

Mimi knew of an unusual closeness between her spouse and Zima, only that she couldn’t place her finger on what exactly was going on. Her spouse; Mike and Zima grew up in the same neighborhood and Zima has always been regarded as a distant family friend. It was obvious to all close friends while Mike was growing up that Zima was obsessed with him but he always told anyone that cared to listen that he had no iota of feelings for Zima as he sees her like one of his siblings.

Over time and even after Mike got married, Zima still kept in touch. She shares all her relationship issues with Mike and patiently listens to his advice on the phone. She seemed to be having issues with almost every guy she dated; they were not measuring up to the kind of man she wants.

Note that intimacy is easily built with someone who you are in constant communication with. What you discuss often determines the kind of intimacy you build. If you are often discussing emotional and sensitive issues with someone of the opposite sex, it’ll get to a time that an emotional switch will be turned on for one of the party towards the other person and it just takes a matter of time before the other person catches the fire if the constant communication continues. This happened to Mike and before he knew what was wrong he had committed adultery with Zima. Shortly after she got pregnant, Mike was devastated; he had to run to one of his Mentors to tell him the mess he had found himself in. Not only did his Mentor scold him sternly, he demanded to see Zima who he told his mind about respecting the sanctity of a holy matrimony. You knew this man was married, why did you gun for him was his question to her.

All this while, Mimi did not know what was going on and her husband really didn’t want her to know at that time, she was too much of an angel to have been betrayed. She had always tried her best to satisfy her husband sexually, anytime she can’t meet up with his sexual cravings, she makes it up to him without delay the next day. She however did not know that Mike had stopped desiring her sexually…all to no fault of hers.

Many months later, Mimi knew all that transpired between her spouse and Zima….. Zima lost the pregnancy but the communication between Mike and Zima didn’t stop.

Mike’s explanation to his wife is that the calls are just platonic ones…no feelings attached but Mimi wants the calls to stop because she believes an old flame still has the potential of starting a fresh fire if fanned. She decided she had to talk to Zima since she had previously met her on one or two occasions. She took her husband’s phone and pulled a call through to Zima. “We have to talk….” was all she could say and Zima excused herself that she was in a public transport and that Mimi should call her back soon.

Mike got to know about the call and felt very bad….”I don’t have feelings for her again…I am only helping her with some information she needs for a project”, he told his wife. “Let her seek for help somewhere else….you’re not the right person to help her because of the past between you two”, Mimi replied her husband as she poured out her hurt and disappointment. Mike promised to keep a distance between him and Zima.

Mimi didn’t call Zima back rather she called Mike’s mentor who he confided in the past; she told him about the call she made to Zima. The mentor advised her not to call her back rather he gave her a prayer point, “That God would cause an irreconcilable quarrel between Mike and Zima”. He further told her that he would inform her when the time is right to call Zima if at all it would be necessary.

Mimi obeyed, she is now so concerned about her spouse. She has determined to make sure that sexual intimacy between her spouse and herself does not suffer. She learnt from her mentor that a man who is sexually ‘over fed’ at home will be too weak to respond to sexual distractions and cravings from ‘strange’ women.

Sexual intercourse results in a soul tie. It is very difficult to break such bonds because it is spiritual, it is a covenant. That is why it is very crucial that if you are married, sleep only with your spouse and if you’re still single, do not get involved in premarital sex (that’s God’s command). Married couples should avoid habitually denying each other of sex, so as to avoid falling into adultery for denying your body for too long; even Apostle Paul advices against it.

Devil hates happy home and that is always his target. God needs united couples and families to establish His kingdom on earth and devil will stop at nothing in frustrating that plan. Singles who wish to get married to men/women should think twice, God is not in support of this, it is one of the tricks of devil to distort the beautiful future of such singles. Dear beloved single, stop being obsessed with someone else’s spouse.

 

Help! My Spouse has Changed!

Betty is unable to understand her spouse anymore. He seems to have changed from the guy she courted two years before marriage. He is now exhibiting behaviors that are so strange to her. He snaps at her these days and finds intimacy so boring and weird. And oh, they’ve been intimate since their courtship days. It was a way to prove she loved him. She couldn’t deny him sex, not after he proposed to her in front of his family members on his birthday. He showed he desired her above all other women in the world and that is what every woman wants; a man that will make her his ‘numero uno’.

What Betty did not realize is that learning about one’s future spouse or partner stops once they start having sex before marriage. So most of the signs she was supposed to look out for stopped beingvisible to her, she stoppeddiscovering her fiancé and instead started feeding his sexual urge. The senses cease to work once emotions are out of control and sex is involved.

The same way the foundation of a building is important to its durability, so also is the foundation of any relationship. How was your relationship founded?

Relationship is not synonymous to gambling and we should put in conscious effort when we want to enter into it. A spouse does not just change overnight, there would have been signs that had been overlooked….instead of whining or crying over a spouse whose love and affection you’re losing, it is important that you try to find the source of the problem and address it squarely.

Starting out as a cute couple is beautiful, growing together in love and intimacy as the years go by is more commendable. Successful relationships take great work. It is good to be married to a great partner, it is however better to learn how not to take that spouse of yours for granted day in, day out. We are humans and there is the possibility that we change but what kind of change is taking place in our lives; positive change or otherwise? Any change that is detrimental to our spouse is also detrimental to us. Don’t neglect the treasure you are married to at the expense of the temporal flashy distractions in your work place.

Don’t wave aside any slight issue you notice between you and your spouse, create time to talk about it together.

Circumstances, pressures and daily challenges make people change but how we react to and address the change will determine whether we will lose our spouse to change or not. Learn to be patient and accommodating. Avoid situations that make you snap and shout at your spouse. What will make relationships last arenot feelings, emotions or sexual attraction; it is a dogged determination to stay faithful to the one you made a vow to love. Through the changes, the ageing, the sagging of breasts, menopause, old age, illness and fatigue, you promised to be his/her one and only; now it is time to fulfill the promise.

Pick that phone now; apologize to your spouse for speaking rudely or roughly or angrily to him/her in the past. Don’t be deceived, one of the best decisions you made in life is your marriage to that man/woman, don’t think of divorce now because you just met someone who seems to be spicing up your life; it is a temporary excitement, it will soon fade. Go back home to the man/woman you married; it might not be his/her fault that he/she changed, situations beyond his/her control might have caused it. Kindly hold his/her hand and talk about the change; you both can walk through this change gracefully with smiles on your faces; yes you can. Learn to enjoy the beautiful changes that occur in your spouse’s life as you grow old together; you also have to learn how to cope or manage the changes that ‘somehow’ irritateyou….it may look hard but it will not be when you are ‘in love’.Image

My Spouse’s Ex

ImageDavid’s parents never supported his relationship with Leah from day one. It took a lot of pressure, personal conviction and confirmation from God before David decided to put an end to their four years courtship. However, it was only in David’s heart that the relationship was over; he couldn’t face Leah to tell her. They were each other’s first love and he remembered promising her to always be there for her no matter what happens. David always found it difficult to hurt people’s feelings, especially those he loved dearly; but in this situation, it was so crystal clear that God wanted him to move on in life but definitely not with Leah.

Not so long after, he met Treasure whom he fell in love with. He loved almost everything about her. He took his time to ask her out and she gave her consent to their lives together. It was after Treasure gave a yes to his proposal that David told her about his ex; Leah, he told her that he did not end the relationship verbally with her but in due time she should discern his distance means he is no more interested. Treasure was not happy that he didn’t end it with his ex verbally but David re-assured her that there won’t be any issue.

In a short while, Leah found out and confronted David who confirmed that he had met somebody else.  Leah was so bitter she almost committed suicide, she reminded David of his endless promises to her. David begged her and promised to still remain her friend. To fulfill his promise, she mandated him to call her everyday until she gets over the whole trauma. He promised he will and also told his fiancée; Treasure, about it all. Treasure felt there was no big deal in the daily call to Leah since it was for her to get over her broken relationship with David.

David and Treasure are now married; Treasure discovered her husband still calls Leah and that realization has made her very sad. There were times that she had caught him receiving calls outside their home and when she walks up to him suddenly, he usually has guilt written all over his face. Let me chip it in here that throughout his relationship with Leah, he never slept with her, yes! He is from a familywith strong moral values that believe abstinence from sex before marriage is not negotiable.

Your Ex is your past; don’t empower it to trouble your present and future. Singles must be careful not to believe love is blind and then fail to notice any form of anomaly during their courtship, there are some things that need to be dealt with while courting. If you caress and pamper those things instead of addressing them, they will grow very strong and contend with you in marriage.

So he/she flirts with someone else while you are courting and you feel comfortable with it because he has fixed the wedding date between you two? You are playing with fire. An Ex is an old flame that has the power to start up a new fire of emotions in you if you refuse to create the necessary distance. If your fiancé/fiancée sees nothing wrong in telling ‘small’ lies now in courtship, marriage to him/her won’t stop that behavior. Some spinsters and bachelors need serious ‘overhauling’ of their behavior before they are fit for marriage.  Dear single sister, if you attracted him with your beauty, you will need good character to retain him. Parents, let’s train our kids well because an attractive lady without morals and manners will make a mess of her husband and home. A handsome man who has a problem zipping up will end up in disgrace. It is true that there is no perfect spouse but discipline is critical. Let your ex remain your ex; your spouse is too precious to be disturbed with a past that didn’t end well.

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When last did we talk?

ImagePhilip and Paula are lovebirds, they’ve been married for some years and they have had things going well for them. Their careers keep getting better year after year. The more it gets better the more time it steals from their relationship. It got to a point that communication between both of them became badly affected because they hardly had time to sit together, chat, stroll and look into each other’s eyes like they used to do.

 

Not too long, Philip stumbled on a text message on his wife’s phone that showed she has been in constant emotional talks with someone of the opposite sex. He was dumbfounded. What did he do wrong? Why would Paula pay him back this way despite how he has been devoted to her? He confronted her and she denied having any sexual relations with her friend but it was so evident that she was too close to this guy; he seemed to know all the things happening to her in recent times which her husband did not know.  

 

I know of some couples who do not joke with date nights or nights out with each other, they make it a point of duty to observe it regularly or once a month; because they know that it helps them to connect strongly with one another as it fans the flame of intimacy between them. You always have a way of creating quality time for someone you value so much no matter how tight your schedule is.

 

It is so important that you call your spouse regularly just to express how much you care and value him/her. Learn to send romantic messages to your spouse at work; it helps to reduce the weight of pressure he/she may be facing. Don’t underestimate the power of an emotional message. Words are powerful; they can make or mar our moods. 

 

Some couples may find it so hard to eat dinner together because they arrive home at different times; however, praying together before bed time is not negotiable. Don’t trade it for anything. Praying couples win together. Try as much as possible to avoid arguments and if they occur, don’t go to bed at night without resolving them. You both form a strong team; successful teammates don’t fight one another, rather they celebrate and watch each other’s back wildly.

 

When last did you have deep communication? I mean when last did you express your profound feelings for each other without uttering any words? When last did you make love? It may be possible that in between your tight schedules you both tried to have sex, but did you create time for real love making? Don’t get so busy that you do not have enough time to enjoy your spouse at this deepest level.

 

I will strongly advice that your spouse should be your best friend. This helps both of you to keep bonding despite the pressures you face daily. You start building bridges between you and your spouse when you keep secrets from one another. Don’t fall for the snare of the enemy, protect your love-life and preserve your relationship. Don’t throw away that beautiful thing going on for you as a result of your carelessness and negligence. Learn to be selfless in your relationship to others most especially to your spouse. Whatever happens to your spouse affects you either directly or indirectly so why take the risk of being careless. Believe it or not, your spouse is your life. He/she is your fellow pilgrim in this journey of life, how you treat him/her will determine whether you will enjoy or endure the journey.

 

It is pertinent that we know that our relationship needs maintenance the same way we care for our fixed assets. A relationship you neglect will suffer. You have the power to make your relationship what you want it to be. Don’t gamble with your love-life. A lot of people are social media savvy at the expense of the emotional wealth of their relationship. Don’t be a social media celebrity/guru at the expense of your home. A sage once said, “it is better to be phoneless than to be homeless” (Roger that). A man/woman is truly wealthy if he/she is healthy emotionally.

 

If your spouse will have to clamor and struggle always in order to spend quality time alone with you, especially for bonding….watch it…your communication network is weak and needs urgent attention(service). For a woman, real intimacy starts with talk. Create time to listen to her ‘spoken’ and ‘silent’ words. 

 

So let me ask you, “When last did you talk with your spouse?” You may need to relearn how to talk not only with your mouth but also with your eyes, hands and your whole body. Your spouse’s body language is critical here if you don’t want to lose his/her heart. Re-connect with your spouse now, make that call to him/her, and send that love message, book a date night for both of you. It is well with you.

 

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