A call to my Spouse’s ex

angry 3Are you in a relationship where your spouse’s ex keeps hovering and hanging around? Is your spouse’s phone constantly bombarded by his/her ex demanding needless attention? Do you ever wonder why single girls refuse to respect the sanctity of matrimony and keep pursuing married men despite even knowing his wife one on one? Just hang in there because I have a word for you right here….

Mimi knew of an unusual closeness between her spouse and Zima, only that she couldn’t place her finger on what exactly was going on. Her spouse; Mike and Zima grew up in the same neighborhood and Zima has always been regarded as a distant family friend. It was obvious to all close friends while Mike was growing up that Zima was obsessed with him but he always told anyone that cared to listen that he had no iota of feelings for Zima as he sees her like one of his siblings.

Over time and even after Mike got married, Zima still kept in touch. She shares all her relationship issues with Mike and patiently listens to his advice on the phone. She seemed to be having issues with almost every guy she dated; they were not measuring up to the kind of man she wants.

Note that intimacy is easily built with someone who you are in constant communication with. What you discuss often determines the kind of intimacy you build. If you are often discussing emotional and sensitive issues with someone of the opposite sex, it’ll get to a time that an emotional switch will be turned on for one of the party towards the other person and it just takes a matter of time before the other person catches the fire if the constant communication continues. This happened to Mike and before he knew what was wrong he had committed adultery with Zima. Shortly after she got pregnant, Mike was devastated; he had to run to one of his Mentors to tell him the mess he had found himself in. Not only did his Mentor scold him sternly, he demanded to see Zima who he told his mind about respecting the sanctity of a holy matrimony. You knew this man was married, why did you gun for him was his question to her.

All this while, Mimi did not know what was going on and her husband really didn’t want her to know at that time, she was too much of an angel to have been betrayed. She had always tried her best to satisfy her husband sexually, anytime she can’t meet up with his sexual cravings, she makes it up to him without delay the next day. She however did not know that Mike had stopped desiring her sexually…all to no fault of hers.

Many months later, Mimi knew all that transpired between her spouse and Zima….. Zima lost the pregnancy but the communication between Mike and Zima didn’t stop.

Mike’s explanation to his wife is that the calls are just platonic ones…no feelings attached but Mimi wants the calls to stop because she believes an old flame still has the potential of starting a fresh fire if fanned. She decided she had to talk to Zima since she had previously met her on one or two occasions. She took her husband’s phone and pulled a call through to Zima. “We have to talk….” was all she could say and Zima excused herself that she was in a public transport and that Mimi should call her back soon.

Mike got to know about the call and felt very bad….”I don’t have feelings for her again…I am only helping her with some information she needs for a project”, he told his wife. “Let her seek for help somewhere else….you’re not the right person to help her because of the past between you two”, Mimi replied her husband as she poured out her hurt and disappointment. Mike promised to keep a distance between him and Zima.

Mimi didn’t call Zima back rather she called Mike’s mentor who he confided in the past; she told him about the call she made to Zima. The mentor advised her not to call her back rather he gave her a prayer point, “That God would cause an irreconcilable quarrel between Mike and Zima”. He further told her that he would inform her when the time is right to call Zima if at all it would be necessary.

Mimi obeyed, she is now so concerned about her spouse. She has determined to make sure that sexual intimacy between her spouse and herself does not suffer. She learnt from her mentor that a man who is sexually ‘over fed’ at home will be too weak to respond to sexual distractions and cravings from ‘strange’ women.

Sexual intercourse results in a soul tie. It is very difficult to break such bonds because it is spiritual, it is a covenant. That is why it is very crucial that if you are married, sleep only with your spouse and if you’re still single, do not get involved in premarital sex (that’s God’s command). Married couples should avoid habitually denying each other of sex, so as to avoid falling into adultery for denying your body for too long; even Apostle Paul advices against it.

Devil hates happy home and that is always his target. God needs united couples and families to establish His kingdom on earth and devil will stop at nothing in frustrating that plan. Singles who wish to get married to men/women should think twice, God is not in support of this, it is one of the tricks of devil to distort the beautiful future of such singles. Dear beloved single, stop being obsessed with someone else’s spouse.

 

Sex and Soul-ties (Confessions of a married woman)

ImageHe loves me or am I getting it mixed up? I am married, he is still single, he tells me things my husband is too busy to say. He makes me feel like a real queen. I am already looking forward to our first kiss because he talks about it all the time on the phone. He once told me he’s still a virgin and wouldn’t mind having his first sexual experience with me. 

 

I am slim and that’s the shape he wants his woman to have. We talk about everything from our feelings, sex and the future. He says he only ask me for one thing, “to have a ‘love child’ for him.” We ended up sleeping together at our first meeting because we both wanted it. We promised each other right and there that it will never happen again because we both have a ‘good’ image each in the public that we won’t want to tarnish. And yes, I still love my home and husband.

 

It did happen again…and this is because after the first experience with him and how ‘nicely’ he treats me, I couldn’t get my mind off him. He just kept invading my thought…that is what sex does to two people. It binds them together; it’s like glue with the mission to put two things together permanently. Sex is a soul-tie, it is strong and binding and that is why it is not advisable to sleep with someone you are not married to. 

 

Why sleep which someone who is old enough to be your mother because of financial gain? You may get a temporary financial push-up from the relationship but you have sold your soul in the process, and your soul is priceless. Anyone who asks for sex in exchange of the favor he/she wants to offer you is your number one enemy to success. Joseph recognized this when Portiphar’s wife approached him and he ran for his life.

 

Dear precious husband, it is better you are not married to her than for you to marry and not be sensitive to her feelings. Adultery has no justification so also will you not be applauded for not being able to meet the emotional and sexual gratifications of your wife.

 

Dear precious wife, you must be able to find a beautiful way to communicate your unmet needs to your husband, sometimes he is ‘too’ busy making money for you and the kids that it takes it as a priority over your emotional needs. Having sex with someone who you are not married to is dangerous because sex is a covenant, vow, seal, bond and a soul-tie. It is only in marriage that God gives a thumb up to sex because it helps a man and his wife to bond and communicate in ways that are beyond words.

 

Scandals from illicit sex are also catastrophic just as it happened to a world class President who slept with one of his office stewards. It destroyed his image, his career and almost ruined his home. A Celebrity Golf Champion lost his home because he was fond of exposing his loins to every lady that winks at him. Do not ruin whatever future you have by a moment of lustful pleasure. Some of your partners may be out to nail you just as Delilah did to Samson. That you cannot control your sexual drive anytime you see a ‘fine’ babe or guy means you really have a problem you need to take care of fast before it embarrasses you before those who hold you in high esteem.

 

It takes courage and wisdom to open up to someone who can help overcome your sexual challenges. You are not the first in such situation and you will not be the last. Lot of great and anointed men of God has taken advantage of vulnerable followers and protégés by committing adultery and fornication on sacred grounds…sex on the altar… God is watching and He is shaking His head. Such men are abusing the grace of God over their lives and have thus placed an expiry date on their grace. It only takes a matter of time and they will end up in disgrace. It is not a sin to be tempted but falling flat in sin and continuing in it without remorse nor seeking for help is sure a destruction path. If you are married, sleep only with your spouse…If you are single, sleep alone till you get married….that’s God’s candid advice. I value you! You reach out to me on BB PIN: 29E55A9A

 

Matured…but not Married

ImageSisi has four siblings and the youngest of them, Lola would be getting married this weekend. Sisi is thirty four years and she is beginning to get worried that she won’t be able to get any suitable suitor before she grows old. She seems to be on the big side as regards her size and she has been making frantic efforts to reduce her weight. There has been so much pressure on her of recent as all her friends are either married or already have one or more kids to their credits.

‘Lanre is forty years and he is yet to settle down. All the ladies he has come across either seems not to be the right material for him or they can’t cope with the expectations he is looking for in a wife . He has however concluded that there may not be a woman out there who will surpass all the good virtues he has seen in his great mother.

Bola will be thirty-five this month and she had waited all these years to get married. When the suitor wasn’t forth coming she gave herself wholly to fulfilling purpose and even made savings to go for her Masters abroad, few months ago she met Bade, the man of her dreams, who though is some few years older than her has never been married. As she marks her birthday this month, she will also be getting married despite her family had almost given up on her getting a bachelor as a suitor.

There are great lessons to learn from the lives of Sisi, ‘Lanre and Bola. Sisi might not have a suitor right now; it doesn’t mean her time will not come. To many, Lanre is over ripe and may be under pressure to settle down with anyone that comes his way. However, marriage is not a game or a trial and error venture that can be joined into with any partner. A look at the tips below will be of help to anyone in Sisi and Lanre’s situation:

Don’t compromise standard regardless of how pressurized you may be to get married. Marriage is a life-time contract and not a short term venture and as such should not be entered with anyone you don’t know too well.

Always be positive about life, that you have a delay now does not mean you will be denied of a spouse of your own as long as you are interested in getting married.

Work on yourself, be presentable, be current and smart. If you need to work on your shape or figure, do that, hit the gym if need be. Stop bad eating habits that may be making you add unnecessary weights. Dress well, be neat, know how well to combine the clothes in your wardrobe. Look beautiful, no one is ugly, we only have people who don’t know how to take care of themselves. You only attract your quality in the opposite sex.

Learn about relationship and how to treat people. Go for counsel, read books, articles and listen to podcasts or messages about relationship. Ignorance is not an excuse.

Has there been any case of delayed marriages in your family? if it a common phenomenon, there’s nothing to worry about, you only need to talk to God ‘seriously’ to make the cup pass over you because Him only do the impossible when after you’ve tried your best and things seems not to be working.

God not only instituted marriage, He is very much interested in our relationship as He wants the best for us, you need to be connected to Him and ask Him to direct your path just as He brought Ruth and Boaz together.

Get a need and fulfill it. Pursue purpose; don’t just keep waiting endlessly and lying idle. Mike Murdock wrote in his book, Laws of Recognition, “Productive women attract productive men. It happened in the case of Ruth, yours will not be an exception. (Ruth chapter 3 and 4)

Talk to a Relationship Coach, there may be something you need to share with him/her that might have caused the delay.

Don’t set unrealistic expectations for your spouse to be. There is no perfect man/woman only God is perfect.

Never ever give up on yourself and future. Your time will come and you will meet your spouse.

 

Do you need someone to talk to? You still have unanswered questions as regards your relationship? You can reach me on BB PIN: 25E9E245

Follow me on twitter @Grace_Festus 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If only I am still single…

Mimi walked into her room tiredly only to meet a dirty, disorganized state of her luggage and properties….oh, she had forgotten that she turned her wardrobe upside down earlier in the morning when she was looking for something important. ‘Oh my God…too much of responsibilities in this house’, she half screamed.

She is barely eighteen and had gotten married to her heartthrob, Quinn three months ago when her pregnancy was almost five months. Her father would not want her to stay under his roof anymore since she is expecting a baby. And “gosh”, she had to defer her admission into the university, got married in a hurry at the registry and moved over to Quinn’s parents’ house immediately. The interesting part is that her husband, young Quinn who just celebrated his twentieth birthday has gone back to school immediately after the registry ceremony. He talks to her every day on the phone; he however talks less with her these days and she has begin to get worried since his love has been the fuel that kept her going….only if she had waited before having sex with him. Now her education has to be put on hold…..how she had missed her friends. She seems not to be ready for this new phase of her life.

Her in-laws didn’t make things so easy for her either, since her spouse does not have a home of his own yet, she had to put up with her in-laws. Oh, how they complain so much of her being lazy. The worst part of it is when she is hungry at times in the wee hours of the morning and she has to fix her own meal before the family meal gets ready. She can’t even fix a good nice meal. All through their friendship, Quinn had always taken her out to eateries and restaurants. She has never even tried fixing him a meal before. Only if her dad had allowed her stay more time under his roof, how she wish she has her mother still around her who always cover up for her.

She sat down on the heap of clothes on her bed. It is so obvious…she is too young to be married. Is she too young to be married or not domestically inclined? Which one is her folly? Oh “Am I too young to be in love?”, “Definitely No”; she asked and answered herself almost same time.

It is one thing to be in love, it is another thing to nurture the love to grow and get matured before getting married. The fact just remained that she’s married but not matured.

She looked at herself all over, she is a complete mess. She doesn’t even think she is equipped enough to ‘mother’ a baby successfully. She can’t fix good meals, she can’t make major decision on her own, she does not even have a job…she has to stop school to dash into marriage prematuredly. And she vowed “till death do us part”….just three months into the union, she is bitter with herself because she is not prepared for this phase of life she just found herself. How she wishes she was single all over again; at least she will learn more about the institution of marriage before jumping into it. How she hope she has read books about marriage and family life. If only her dad would take her back… If only she can move back the hands of time….If only she was single all over again…

Every phase of life has been designed by God to enjoyed and not endured. Problem steps in when we are in a hurry to jump from one phase of life to another. That you are single now is not a crime, it is a blessing. Every phase of life is loaded with its own blessings and should be enjoyed maximally.

When I was still single, I sang, danced, reached out to touch lives and excelled in my academics and career; although I once had a failed courtship, I never gave up, rather that got me geared up to have the best relationship. I went back to my drawing board and discovered it was better to have a failed courtship than a failed marriage. It was at that period in my life that I had time to read Rick Warren’s bestselling book; The Purpose Driven Life and wow that affected my life positively. I got so fuelled up to be the best in every area of my life. I was busy enjoying, fulfilling purpose when my spouse came along. He met me a happy, vibrant and ‘vision-consumed’ woman.

Today, I get so inspired when I hear my young in-laws and protégés tell me they want to be like me when they grow up. Men, am not there yet as I am still evolving and I am determined to be the best wife and mother in my generation. I am happy to be married to the man God has blessed me with and so delighted that I didn’t skip or jump my ‘spinsterhood’ days; I passed through that phase of my life gleaning every lesson I could. I am still learning and as I look back to my ‘single’ days, am so full of gratitude to God because it was beautifully maximized.

Don’t live your ‘single’ life in a hurry…rather use it to prepare for the future ahead. Why are you in a hurry to get married when you will be married for the rest of your life once you tie the marital knot? Don’t rush into marriage so as not to rush out, don’t let anyone chase you into it and don’t push yourself into what you are not ready for.

You not only need to be matured physically to get married, you must also be matured financially and spiritually. God said it is not good for a man to be alone…not a boy (Genesis 2:18).
Get matured, grow up, why are you in a hurry to have sex when you will be very free to do that as many times as possible when you get married. You may decide to ‘tie’ a man down with your pregnancy now but you may not be able to keep him forever with it; it takes more than that to secure a great relationship. You will excel.

Married but lonely

I had a time of loneliness few months after I got married. The kind of house my spouse and I desired to live after we got married was some distance away from where we both worked. We loved the house and thought the distance won’t cause any problem until few months after we got married. My spouse would drive for hours to and fro work every day and this weighed down on him. Later on he decided to just be coming home like twice a week because he also has to minister in church at the midweek service and church was closer to his work place than home. I had dreamt of having a spouse that would be around me almost every hour of the day…such huge expectation you think? So, the less of my spouse I see daily; the more devastated I become.  I became so lonely. I have family members around who check on me when I come back from work at night but that couldn’t fill the void my spouse left. It was at this period in my life that I discovered that I had placed so much expectation on my spouse about him being around me all the time and oops he can’t meet up with the expectation because he’s human. It was then I found out that I had given my spouse more priority than an ever present friend, God.

Don’t get it twisted, I had been a Christian all along, but I had actually taken the fact that marriage is a three great cord, lightly. The cord comprises of God, man and his wife; not husband and wife only.  It is beautifully put in the bestselling book of Bishop T.D. Jakes, The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord.

Every member of this cord has their functions and when one of them is excluded, the vacuum will be felt. It was at this time, I discovered that God will always be there whenever my spouse is not. Loneliness is not cured by the presence of another person in your life. Once you cannot overcome loneliness while single, you may be married yet remain lonely. You can be so busy alone and feel as if you have a company of a whole lot of people with you. Build your self esteem. If you are struggling with loneliness while alone, you may still be lonely in the company of lot of friends. The presence of God in your life fills great vacuum and His Spirit teaches all things including how to handle your relationship.

I was able to overcome this period of my life through God’s help. My spouse and I had to re-strategize our lives since he also want his wife to be happy always. We had to move to another house, though it was not extraordinary place like the initial house, but it took care of the proximity between our places of work, house and church. It also helped our effectiveness and efficiency in all ramifications because the home is not far any more for any one of us.

If you are married but do all things as if you are a single parent because the other partner is not always there….. If you have to make all the important decisions in the home front alone because he/she is not always available….maybe the kids don’t even recognize him/his authority because they hardly see him because of his tight schedule….He never even knows the kids need him at the next PTA because he never get bothered about their school activities…Dear, if all these and more are what you experience despite your married status, take it from me, you are married but living as a single.

Marriage is partnership and not a sole proprietorship thing. Get your spouse in the boat, you are meant to cruise together, don’t go solo. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him or seek help from trusted counselors and mentors. Get connected back to your wife; keep the flame of that love hot and burning. Don’t die in silence. Two good heads are better than one; don’t give yourself headache trying to make a vital decision alone which concerns the whole family.  Your presence is more important than the regular presents you buy for her, she needs you. He needs you to understand him more…see into his heart now that you are in his life. Spice up your spouse’s life; make it better than you met it.

Don’t get married because you want to overcome loneliness…overcome it before you get married less your bore your partner with your regular mood swings. Marriage is team work; don’t play ball on the pitch alone when you already have team mates. Your spouse and God are your team mates…the absence of any of the team members may permit the enemy to score against you!