Letter to my Past

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Did you remember that I mentioned that Martha used to dread sex? Yes, she once had fear of sexual intimacy with her husband Matt. Her husband specifically told me that she doesn’t look forward to intimacy and she has refused to tell him why. He tried to be patient with her but he seems to be tired to cajoling her to make love each time he is in the mood. What was supposed to be pleasure has turned out to be spiced with a lot of pressure.

I took time out with Martha; it was all written in her eyes, that there was something she is hiding, a past that has refused to heal. Martha was raped by her maternal uncle when she was six years and that singular incident changed her life forever.

For twenty years she struggled with self esteem and dreads any man coming near her. It was a miracle that she agreed to marry Matt who she never allowed to touch her till many days after their wedding. I told Martha that the journey to having a great relationship with her husband starts with forgiving her rapist and letting go of all the hurts. She needed to seek healing because the past was tearing her apart.

One thing I made her do was to write a letter to her past. I made her vent all her stored up anger on the piece of paper. She cried as she poured out bottled up emotions in words to her uncle who took her innocence and stole her virginity. Matt who watched from my PA’s desk couldn’t hold back the tears either. I remember holding Martha’s hand as I told her to call forth her uncle’s name and declare forgiveness. It was a hard nut to crack yet it was great seeing her go through closure after many years of internal pain and trauma.

It was after this healing process that she started learning to love her body and accept Matt’s show of affection. Matt learnt how to be gentle with her as she learns to accept his touch and take it one step at a time.

Pains of yesterday should never be carried into the future. Hurts from past relationships can hinder happiness of future relationships if not well taken care of. We may not be able to stop people from hurting us but we can determine how long we want to feel the pain.

Guard your heart against Heart breakers

wpid-for-my-blogYour heart is so precious and should not be toyed with. A lot of times we attract wrong people into our lives and then wonder why they treat us badly. Anyone who does not place value on you will not treat you well.

Let me start by asking you what value you place on yourself. A lot of times we see signs from a prospective heart breaker, yet we ignore them and reassure ourselves that what we feel for our partner is enough to take care of our relationship. Love should not be one sided. For a relationship to survive, affection and devotion must be mutual. It should be a two way thing. It should be symbiotic and not parasitic.

In a relationship, the communication line must be kept open. Are you both making effort to reach each other as often as you can or is the effort that of one person alone?  If she calls all the time and he never makes an effort to reciprocate unless when he needs something from her, he is a predator. If the only time she ‘flashes’ his phone or send text messages is when she wants something from him; she won’t last long in that relationship.
As a single person, if all your partner is asking for is sex and he/she can’t be disciplined enough to wait till you exchange marital vows. Watch it! You are courting a heart breaker.

If you have aborted for him once and he is still not ready for marriage but he keeps asking for sex, you are probably a play thing in his hands and he will soon do away with you.

A lot of us don’t know we need to first commit our hearts to God before we commit it to men. A man who has no regard for what God says about sex or sin will not find it difficult to cheat on you. Someone who keeps friends with womanizers and adulterers will soon tread that path if he does not change company.

It is good to admire the shape or the figure of that guy or babe but it is more rewarding to look out for the kind of future that person projects.

Let me conclude with the advice I usually give singles when they ask for counsel just as they are about to  start a new relationship; ‘Fall in love with your heart but don’t let your brain go to sleep while in love, open your eyes and be sure to observe and address all negative signs’. May you never be a victim of serial abuse!

Beneath the Smile

He looks to you like a born leader, he handles life-issues like an expert, and he is every upcoming youth’s mentor but beneath his smile, he is battling with his sexuality. He wishes he could enjoy sex like it is portrayed in the porn films and romance novels. He has an urge that is barely pacified each time he has sex with his wife.
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She is a diva. Her voice is like  a nightingale’s, she has everything a young lady would aspire for; fame, wealth and connection but she has this past that keeps haunting her every night and behind closed doors, she can’t stop wetting her pillow with tears. She wishes she could change the consequences that her wayward past life has on her future. She had aborted in the past and this has left her with a ruptured womb. What man would want to marry such a woman, she often asks herself.

They make a cute couple; they are a bundle of inspiration to countless lives as they reach out to souls to bless them on a regular basis, still, after so many years of marriage they are yet to have a child of their own. They give hope to people in the open yet on their bed they wish all hope is not lost for their marriage to birth biological children.

Dear Friends, let us ponder on the words of Paul of Tarsus which says, “We were troubled on every side; yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed…” II Corinthians 4:8-9 I also love the words of wisdom from King Solomon which reads, “If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small”…Proverbs 24:10.

We all have our ‘thorn in the flesh’; it may be light or ugly. We all have scars, the memory of which may still be fresh or long forgotten, but in all, let our hope and determination to pull through be stronger than the urge to throw in the towel. This is not just the usual relationship article you read, this is a motivational pill for someone; it is the soothing balm for your soul. Weeping may endure for a night; surely joy comes in the morning. Dear friend, I write to remind you that there is light at the end of your tunnel and you will burst into a beautiful laugh soon.
Envisage the beautiful future you seek and laugh as if it is here already! Be hopeful, be grateful and be thankful for how far you have come. It will always be better. Seek professional help if need be but don’t give up on your life. Be strong at heart, you are a plus to the world!

Let’s go back to Eden

Many times we wonder where God is when we pass through great challenges in our relationship. The fact remains that God has always been around but more often than not, we refuse Him full access as regards our love lives. Most times we involve God when we need success in our career, business and contracts but when it comes to relationship, we feel we don’t need Him or we forget to carry Him along. Let me quickly remind you that relationship is originally God’s idea brought to limelight in the Garden of Eden…youImage remember Adam and Eve …right? You can’t know how best to utilize an idea that was not originally yours…the same way we need God’s help and intervention to make our relationship/marriage work. It is His idea that we get married…you can’t steal that idea from Him, and since it is His idea, He alone knows how best to make it work.

Marriage as intended by God is a threefold cord between God, Man and his wife that cannot be easily broken. Each of them is a team mate in the field of marriage and each one has a very important role to play. Undermining God’s role in our relationship/marriage is usually where our problem starts. There is the theory of the missing rib and it was formulated by God, so there are some things we can’t handle on our own in relationship that only God can fix. A quick glance at Genesis 2 and 3 shows Adam had no problem in his relationship when his communication was intact with God. Problem only arose when his wife decided to disobey God’s ordinances and they both paid dearly for it. We struggle on our way without God’s aid.

God sees and knows what we pass through. In fact, He has emotions because He sometimes gets angry and at a time, He even regretted creating man because of man’s atrocities. We have a God who is not insensitive to our struggles, our pains and the temptations we face every day. He knows and feels what we feel when we go through all of these emotions, He sees how we struggle with pornography, masturbation, fornication and adultery. It hurts Him to see us wallow in what He dislikes but at the same time He is standing by waiting for us to call for His help against every sexual perversion we find ourselves addicted to.

God sees our weaknesses and He is not giving up on us and all we need to do is stop putting Him in a box. Let’s stop restricting Him and start including Him 24/7 in our love affairs. Have you forgotten that He is LOVE? He alone can help us love. He is the lover of our soul.

God is concerned when you struggle with sex with your spouse; He sees the tears on your pillow when you even try hiding it from your better half. He reads your heartbeats because your existence is sustained by His breathe; He alone can turn everything that looks so difficult around. Do me a favour, let’s go back to Eden; let’s get back to the feet of the originator of marriage. Let’s seek the audience of Him who is called LOVE. Admit that you have struggled enough on your own and you need His help and His ‘manual’ to fix your marriage/relationship. Don’t be scared to go naked before God who made you and gave you the heart to love. Come on now buddy, let’s go back to Eden.

 (Special thanks to WINNIE MULTIMEDIA BB PIN: 22A92266 for the photograph and @iamDayoSamuel for the graphics)

 

A call to my Spouse’s ex

angry 3Are you in a relationship where your spouse’s ex keeps hovering and hanging around? Is your spouse’s phone constantly bombarded by his/her ex demanding needless attention? Do you ever wonder why single girls refuse to respect the sanctity of matrimony and keep pursuing married men despite even knowing his wife one on one? Just hang in there because I have a word for you right here….

Mimi knew of an unusual closeness between her spouse and Zima, only that she couldn’t place her finger on what exactly was going on. Her spouse; Mike and Zima grew up in the same neighborhood and Zima has always been regarded as a distant family friend. It was obvious to all close friends while Mike was growing up that Zima was obsessed with him but he always told anyone that cared to listen that he had no iota of feelings for Zima as he sees her like one of his siblings.

Over time and even after Mike got married, Zima still kept in touch. She shares all her relationship issues with Mike and patiently listens to his advice on the phone. She seemed to be having issues with almost every guy she dated; they were not measuring up to the kind of man she wants.

Note that intimacy is easily built with someone who you are in constant communication with. What you discuss often determines the kind of intimacy you build. If you are often discussing emotional and sensitive issues with someone of the opposite sex, it’ll get to a time that an emotional switch will be turned on for one of the party towards the other person and it just takes a matter of time before the other person catches the fire if the constant communication continues. This happened to Mike and before he knew what was wrong he had committed adultery with Zima. Shortly after she got pregnant, Mike was devastated; he had to run to one of his Mentors to tell him the mess he had found himself in. Not only did his Mentor scold him sternly, he demanded to see Zima who he told his mind about respecting the sanctity of a holy matrimony. You knew this man was married, why did you gun for him was his question to her.

All this while, Mimi did not know what was going on and her husband really didn’t want her to know at that time, she was too much of an angel to have been betrayed. She had always tried her best to satisfy her husband sexually, anytime she can’t meet up with his sexual cravings, she makes it up to him without delay the next day. She however did not know that Mike had stopped desiring her sexually…all to no fault of hers.

Many months later, Mimi knew all that transpired between her spouse and Zima….. Zima lost the pregnancy but the communication between Mike and Zima didn’t stop.

Mike’s explanation to his wife is that the calls are just platonic ones…no feelings attached but Mimi wants the calls to stop because she believes an old flame still has the potential of starting a fresh fire if fanned. She decided she had to talk to Zima since she had previously met her on one or two occasions. She took her husband’s phone and pulled a call through to Zima. “We have to talk….” was all she could say and Zima excused herself that she was in a public transport and that Mimi should call her back soon.

Mike got to know about the call and felt very bad….”I don’t have feelings for her again…I am only helping her with some information she needs for a project”, he told his wife. “Let her seek for help somewhere else….you’re not the right person to help her because of the past between you two”, Mimi replied her husband as she poured out her hurt and disappointment. Mike promised to keep a distance between him and Zima.

Mimi didn’t call Zima back rather she called Mike’s mentor who he confided in the past; she told him about the call she made to Zima. The mentor advised her not to call her back rather he gave her a prayer point, “That God would cause an irreconcilable quarrel between Mike and Zima”. He further told her that he would inform her when the time is right to call Zima if at all it would be necessary.

Mimi obeyed, she is now so concerned about her spouse. She has determined to make sure that sexual intimacy between her spouse and herself does not suffer. She learnt from her mentor that a man who is sexually ‘over fed’ at home will be too weak to respond to sexual distractions and cravings from ‘strange’ women.

Sexual intercourse results in a soul tie. It is very difficult to break such bonds because it is spiritual, it is a covenant. That is why it is very crucial that if you are married, sleep only with your spouse and if you’re still single, do not get involved in premarital sex (that’s God’s command). Married couples should avoid habitually denying each other of sex, so as to avoid falling into adultery for denying your body for too long; even Apostle Paul advices against it.

Devil hates happy home and that is always his target. God needs united couples and families to establish His kingdom on earth and devil will stop at nothing in frustrating that plan. Singles who wish to get married to men/women should think twice, God is not in support of this, it is one of the tricks of devil to distort the beautiful future of such singles. Dear beloved single, stop being obsessed with someone else’s spouse.

 

My Spouse’s Ex

ImageDavid’s parents never supported his relationship with Leah from day one. It took a lot of pressure, personal conviction and confirmation from God before David decided to put an end to their four years courtship. However, it was only in David’s heart that the relationship was over; he couldn’t face Leah to tell her. They were each other’s first love and he remembered promising her to always be there for her no matter what happens. David always found it difficult to hurt people’s feelings, especially those he loved dearly; but in this situation, it was so crystal clear that God wanted him to move on in life but definitely not with Leah.

Not so long after, he met Treasure whom he fell in love with. He loved almost everything about her. He took his time to ask her out and she gave her consent to their lives together. It was after Treasure gave a yes to his proposal that David told her about his ex; Leah, he told her that he did not end the relationship verbally with her but in due time she should discern his distance means he is no more interested. Treasure was not happy that he didn’t end it with his ex verbally but David re-assured her that there won’t be any issue.

In a short while, Leah found out and confronted David who confirmed that he had met somebody else.  Leah was so bitter she almost committed suicide, she reminded David of his endless promises to her. David begged her and promised to still remain her friend. To fulfill his promise, she mandated him to call her everyday until she gets over the whole trauma. He promised he will and also told his fiancée; Treasure, about it all. Treasure felt there was no big deal in the daily call to Leah since it was for her to get over her broken relationship with David.

David and Treasure are now married; Treasure discovered her husband still calls Leah and that realization has made her very sad. There were times that she had caught him receiving calls outside their home and when she walks up to him suddenly, he usually has guilt written all over his face. Let me chip it in here that throughout his relationship with Leah, he never slept with her, yes! He is from a familywith strong moral values that believe abstinence from sex before marriage is not negotiable.

Your Ex is your past; don’t empower it to trouble your present and future. Singles must be careful not to believe love is blind and then fail to notice any form of anomaly during their courtship, there are some things that need to be dealt with while courting. If you caress and pamper those things instead of addressing them, they will grow very strong and contend with you in marriage.

So he/she flirts with someone else while you are courting and you feel comfortable with it because he has fixed the wedding date between you two? You are playing with fire. An Ex is an old flame that has the power to start up a new fire of emotions in you if you refuse to create the necessary distance. If your fiancé/fiancée sees nothing wrong in telling ‘small’ lies now in courtship, marriage to him/her won’t stop that behavior. Some spinsters and bachelors need serious ‘overhauling’ of their behavior before they are fit for marriage.  Dear single sister, if you attracted him with your beauty, you will need good character to retain him. Parents, let’s train our kids well because an attractive lady without morals and manners will make a mess of her husband and home. A handsome man who has a problem zipping up will end up in disgrace. It is true that there is no perfect spouse but discipline is critical. Let your ex remain your ex; your spouse is too precious to be disturbed with a past that didn’t end well.

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When last did we talk?

ImagePhilip and Paula are lovebirds, they’ve been married for some years and they have had things going well for them. Their careers keep getting better year after year. The more it gets better the more time it steals from their relationship. It got to a point that communication between both of them became badly affected because they hardly had time to sit together, chat, stroll and look into each other’s eyes like they used to do.

 

Not too long, Philip stumbled on a text message on his wife’s phone that showed she has been in constant emotional talks with someone of the opposite sex. He was dumbfounded. What did he do wrong? Why would Paula pay him back this way despite how he has been devoted to her? He confronted her and she denied having any sexual relations with her friend but it was so evident that she was too close to this guy; he seemed to know all the things happening to her in recent times which her husband did not know.  

 

I know of some couples who do not joke with date nights or nights out with each other, they make it a point of duty to observe it regularly or once a month; because they know that it helps them to connect strongly with one another as it fans the flame of intimacy between them. You always have a way of creating quality time for someone you value so much no matter how tight your schedule is.

 

It is so important that you call your spouse regularly just to express how much you care and value him/her. Learn to send romantic messages to your spouse at work; it helps to reduce the weight of pressure he/she may be facing. Don’t underestimate the power of an emotional message. Words are powerful; they can make or mar our moods. 

 

Some couples may find it so hard to eat dinner together because they arrive home at different times; however, praying together before bed time is not negotiable. Don’t trade it for anything. Praying couples win together. Try as much as possible to avoid arguments and if they occur, don’t go to bed at night without resolving them. You both form a strong team; successful teammates don’t fight one another, rather they celebrate and watch each other’s back wildly.

 

When last did you have deep communication? I mean when last did you express your profound feelings for each other without uttering any words? When last did you make love? It may be possible that in between your tight schedules you both tried to have sex, but did you create time for real love making? Don’t get so busy that you do not have enough time to enjoy your spouse at this deepest level.

 

I will strongly advice that your spouse should be your best friend. This helps both of you to keep bonding despite the pressures you face daily. You start building bridges between you and your spouse when you keep secrets from one another. Don’t fall for the snare of the enemy, protect your love-life and preserve your relationship. Don’t throw away that beautiful thing going on for you as a result of your carelessness and negligence. Learn to be selfless in your relationship to others most especially to your spouse. Whatever happens to your spouse affects you either directly or indirectly so why take the risk of being careless. Believe it or not, your spouse is your life. He/she is your fellow pilgrim in this journey of life, how you treat him/her will determine whether you will enjoy or endure the journey.

 

It is pertinent that we know that our relationship needs maintenance the same way we care for our fixed assets. A relationship you neglect will suffer. You have the power to make your relationship what you want it to be. Don’t gamble with your love-life. A lot of people are social media savvy at the expense of the emotional wealth of their relationship. Don’t be a social media celebrity/guru at the expense of your home. A sage once said, “it is better to be phoneless than to be homeless” (Roger that). A man/woman is truly wealthy if he/she is healthy emotionally.

 

If your spouse will have to clamor and struggle always in order to spend quality time alone with you, especially for bonding….watch it…your communication network is weak and needs urgent attention(service). For a woman, real intimacy starts with talk. Create time to listen to her ‘spoken’ and ‘silent’ words. 

 

So let me ask you, “When last did you talk with your spouse?” You may need to relearn how to talk not only with your mouth but also with your eyes, hands and your whole body. Your spouse’s body language is critical here if you don’t want to lose his/her heart. Re-connect with your spouse now, make that call to him/her, and send that love message, book a date night for both of you. It is well with you.

 

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Divorce?…Not Me!

ImageIt is so disheartening to see how great marriages we envy crash these days like a house of cards. Divorce has now become a cancer eating deep into the fabrics of beautiful homes and one begins to wonder if there is hope for the institution of marriage. Without any doubt there is still hope for the great institution of marriage but one of the ways to tackle the divorce issue is to identify some of the causes of seemingly irreparable damage in marriages which leads to divorces a lot of times.

 

  Now let me share with you a few reasons why marriages fail… 

INFIDELITY: – It is not easy to bear the betrayal and hurt of a cheating spouse. It takes a broken and healed soul to forgive a spouse who indulges in extra marital affairs. The union may not last if one of the spouses is an unrepentant cheat who cannot stop having illicit affairs, though he/she may beg for forgiveness each time he/she is caught with someone else. It is even more heartbreaking if the cheat is indulging in a same sex (gay) relationship. The betrayed partner in most cases may never recover from the shock and thus the relationship may collapse like a house of cards. 

A marriage may come to an end if there is a NO SEX situation. This could be as a result of a spouse being obsessed with pornography and masturbation so he/she no longer derives pleasure in real sex, thus he/she commits EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY because all the emotions that such a person is supposed to bestow on his/her spouse is being invested on addictive behaviors like pornography, drinking, womanizing, gambling, masturbation and more. In this kind of situation, the betrayed spouse may go through EMOTIONAL NEGLECT which will cause the couple to drift apart emotionally, though they may still share the same bed. At this point, they are no longer soul mates but mere bed mates.

POOR COMMUNICATION make couples disconnect with time and this may sometimes be because of LONG SEPARATION. Some great couples have lost their homes as a result of distance created in pursuit of jobs/career/contracts that keep them away from each other for too long. In some cases communication breakdown is a result of misunderstanding, immaturity, different backgrounds (upbringing and culture), irreconcilable differences, refusing to offer forgiveness for a wrong committed or choosing not to overlook a character flaw.

FINANCIAL CONFLICT can end a relationship easily. In the economy we are in today, it is not even enough for the man only to be gainfully employed, his wife must have what she is bringing to the table no matter how little, that is when she is a good helpmeet. If a woman’s financial needs cannot be met by her husband for a long time without a ray of hope of when things will change for better, she may leave the man without a blink of an eye. 

A relationship that is devoid of AFFECTION and APPRECIATION will end up in frustration. Human beings are created to stay around those who appreciate and celebrate them even for the little things they do. When this is lacking at home, they tend to seek it somewhere else and hover over anyone that cares to feed them with it.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE ends a marriage quickly. It is even advisable that the abused partner seek urgent help lest the marriage ends his/her life. Abuse is a terrible thing to experience because it deprives the victim of joy, comfort and happiness and in return inflicts untold pain (emotional and physical) on him/her. 

When people with low self-esteem or unhealthy values get married to each other, there is a temptation for them to want to compete with one another instead of complete each other, so untamed EGO, PRIDE, AND INSUBORDINATION towards one another will erode the beauty of companionship and partnership in marriage. The competition between them becomes unhealthy and could cause divorce if not checked on time.

 

Divorce can be a thing of the past in our society if we CHANGE OUR VIEW ABOUT MARRIAGE: Couples need to learn to view themselves as imperfect souls coming from different cultural backgrounds with different upbringing, so they must learn to exercise patience, perseverance and tolerance by accommodating and managing each other’s uniqueness and peculiarities. Forgiveness is golden and must be imbibed by couples who wish to stay together forever. 

We also need to imbibe MORALS, VALUES AND VIRTUES: Each home must have these and must stay true to them. They guide one’s steps even when faced with sexual temptations.

Sometimes what we need is PROFESSIONAL HELP: Couples need to know that the same way they tell a medical doctor about their ailments is the same way they need to talk to a marriage counselor about their marital issues, especially when things seem to be going out of hand.

Don’t joke with TIME OUT WITH ONE ANOTHER: Marital vows are strong and binding. We should not just say our marital vows with our lips alone, we should recite them with our heart and re-visit them regularly to check whether we are still standing by them. Couples should always take time out despite their busy schedules to get away and spend time together without the kids. They should assess each other to know whether they are better lovers or whether they have drifted apart to become just friends.

Above all, we must NEVER LEAVE GOD OUT OF THE EQUATION: Marriage is a three cord between God, man and his wife. Just the same way you cannot operate a device well without consulting the manufacturer’s manual, we need God’s manual on marriage to make our marriage work. We must be ready to obey His precepts concerning marriage since marriage is His divine idea.

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Much ado about sex in marriage

ImageHave you ever wondered why a sexually eager spouse is married to someone who is not too excited about sex? Do you know a couple or couples who are about to give up on their marriage because of sex issues? Tell them to hang on and read up this piece before making any serious decision.

Myles Munroe, in his book, The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage has this to say: Marriage involves commitment. Sex has very little to do with commitment; it is a 100-percent physical response to physiological and biochemical stimuli. Sex is one expression of commitment in marriage, but it never creates commitment. By itself, sex neither makes nor breaks a marriage. Marriage is broader and deeper than sex, and transcends it. Marriage is perhaps one percent sex; the rest is ordinary, everyday life. If you marry for sex, how are you going to handle the other 99 percent?

In case you don’t agree with Myles Munroe that the importance of sex in marriage is as low as one percent, let us raise the bar to five percent. If then marriage is five percent sex, how will you handle the remaining ninety-five percent of what marriage entails if you marry because of sex. I always tell singles that if your inability to control your sexual urge is the main reason why you decide to marry, then you have gotten wrong the whole concept of marriage. This is because your spouse will not be available 24/7 to satisfy your sexual cravings. Work or occasion may cause you to drift apart for a short while, so ‘if you no fit hold body’ or learn how to control your sexual cravings, you may likely ‘screw up’ in marriage.

You deserve thumbs up and a pat on the back if you are married and you are on the same page sexually with your spouse. That means you largely do not have issues when it comes to satisfying each other’s sexual cravings. On the other hand, if you are married to someone who seems not to be excited about sex or ready for sex when you are ‘in the mood’, then we need to talk.

I want to believe that you loved your spouse so much before walking down the aisle with him/her, so what happened? Why have you drifted from being great lovers to just friends? Sex is a deep, sweet communication between a man and his wife; it is only healthy in marriage. That seriously means if a married couple do not find time to make love often, they will drift apart emotionally. Sex helps couples connect at the deepest level beyond description, covenant between married couples are always renewed each time they make love.

You can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, but you can only make love to someone you adore, cherish, respect and feel so deeply in love with. So one of the reasons why your sex life is dragging may be that you have fallen out of love with your spouse. Sometimes, this is possible if you are distracted by someone else who appeals so much to you that you do not mind sharing your deepest intimate moments with; you may be transferring all the emotions that need to be bestowed on your spouse to your new ‘catch’.

What if your husband wants a change in your body shape or size? Please make a conscious effort to work on it because men are easily aroused by what they see. A woman on the other hand needs her emotions and feelings to be fed always with attention and care. A woman you do not connect with emotionally may disconnect sexually.

Now if two sexually eager partners get married as a couple and they enjoy sex a whole lot, they may engage in sex so much that other areas of their marriage that need their attention begin to suffer or lag. On the other hand, if the man and his wife are both not interested in sex, they may do without it for a long time and this will invariably affect their emotional connection and communication; they may stop being lovers and drift to just being friends.  

Marriage needs maintenance, so does your sex life. Therefore, if your partner is less interested in sex, you are in the best position to motivate him/her or learn how to get him/her in the mood. Love him/her the way he/she wants to be loved. Knowing his/her love languages will go a long way. You both will need to talk about it and be honest with one another. This is why I encourage couples to do self-assessment with each other as often as possible to ascertain the healthiness or otherwise of their relationship. In some instances, for example when talking about it is yielding no result, or when you are not making progress while working at it, you may need to book an appointment with a certified sex therapist.

God encourages that you enjoy the wife of your youth. You are not permitted to stop loving that spouse of yours after saying “Yes I do”. It is well with your marriage. I value you greatly.

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Abused…but not Shattered

ImageThis is a special dedication to every rape victim…

To everyone who has survived and healed from the scar of rape.

To every girl child that is still silent and still hurting…

To every lady whose wound is still very fresh and contemplating suicide as a way to end the trauma.

Just keep hanging on dear…God is trying to hold your hand…kindly reach out to Him and let Him help you through.

 

The wise book gives an account of Princess Tamar who was raped by her step-brother Prince Amnon. Due to this her royal apparel got replaced with ashes. Her self esteem got affected no wonder we did not read of any exploits of hers after that terrible incident.. It could be that she did not recover from the trauma and stigma.

 

I got the shock of my life some few days back when I read a broadcast of a 14 year old boy who raped at 2 year old girl to death. One begin to wonder the values and virtues that are being taught in our homes these days.

 

Jacob Jume was said to have taken advantage of his sick sister few minutes after the nurses and doctor on duty at the time had made their routine ward round and gone on break. According to Vanguard reports, the 30 year old victim was injected with a sedative and while she was partially incapacitated by the medication, her brother, Jacob allegedly raped her. This happened not too long ago in Benue State Nigeria.

 

I was watching CNN some days back and I saw a campaign and protest done in Kenya against rape because a lady has just been confined to a wheel chair as a result of gang rape; that broke my heart.

 

There are lot of people suffering silently, stigmatised and living in fear of what the public will say when they find out that they were once raped. The responses to my article DON’T TOUCH MY BODY which I wrote earlier this year which is centred on child abuse(rape) were alarming as some close allies of mine confessed to have gone through similar abuse. Same way, some many people around us are going through this and we seems to be less concerned.

 

If we decide today to be responsible for every girl child around us starting from our home, we will know when a sex predator is hovering around them. Let us try to be more sensitive despite our busy schedule, let’s hear the silent voices of the violated around us. Lot of girls, ladies and women are shrinking due to abuse from men they trusted so much. Not only must we be physically active, our spiritual alertness is also of paramount importance. Rape has gone beyond physical, the evil forces are capitalising on it to undress our babes of their royal apparel. It is only a survivor and a victor that bounces back to fulfil destiny like the few ones that are speaking out now.

 

Let’s embark on both spiritual and physical rally against rape. Let’s protect every girl child and lady as if they are our blood and treasure.

 

Do you think it is easy to convince a rape victim that sex between lovers/couple is “sweet” after all she has been through? Do you think a rape survivor can easily believe all men are not the same? Think on these…

 

Dear husband, the act of rape is forcing yourself on your woman to have sex with her. You married her, you had your style with which you wooed her to say yes to you, why can’t you use same love language or ‘taming’ method to make her sleep with you willingly?

 

For every rape victim still hurting, don’t give up on life yet. There is a beautiful story of your life about to be written; it’s the beginning of a glorious chapter. Don’t give up until you’ve looked up; it’s never too late until you become late.

 

If you’re still battling with the trauma of rape or you know someone who is still hurting or struggling with her self esteem because of this, link up with us so we can help you get the necessary help and connect you to great survivors of the ordeal. Don’t die in silence, it is not your end, it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. A campaign against rape has just taken a new dimension, we are not stopping until our girls, ladies and women are totally free to walk around without the fear of sexual harassment or abuse.

 

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