The Other Side Of Me
The Other Side Of Me
To everyone who has survived and healed from the scar of rape.
To every girl child that is still silent and still hurting…
To every lady whose wound is still very fresh and contemplating suicide as a way to end the trauma.
Just keep hanging on dear…God is trying to hold your hand…kindly reach out to Him and let Him help you through.
The wise book gives an account of Princess Tamar who was raped by her step-brother Prince Amnon. Due to this her royal apparel got replaced with ashes. Her self esteem got affected no wonder we did not read of any exploits of hers after that terrible incident.. It could be that she did not recover from the trauma and stigma.
I got the shock of my life some few days back when I read a broadcast of a 14 year old boy who raped at 2 year old girl to death. One begin to wonder the values and virtues that are being taught in our homes these days.
Jacob Jume was said to have taken advantage of his sick sister few minutes after the nurses and doctor on duty at the time had made their routine ward round and gone on break. According to Vanguard reports, the 30 year old victim was injected with a sedative and while she was partially incapacitated by the medication, her brother, Jacob allegedly raped her. This happened not too long ago in Benue State Nigeria.
I was watching CNN some days back and I saw a campaign and protest done in Kenya against rape because a lady has just been confined to a wheel chair as a result of gang rape; that broke my heart.
There are lot of people suffering silently, stigmatised and living in fear of what the public will say when they find out that they were once raped. The responses to my article DON’T TOUCH MY BODY which I wrote earlier this year which is centred on child abuse(rape) were alarming as some close allies of mine confessed to have gone through similar abuse. Same way, some many people around us are going through this and we seems to be less concerned.
If we decide today to be responsible for every girl child around us starting from our home, we will know when a sex predator is hovering around them. Let us try to be more sensitive despite our busy schedule, let’s hear the silent voices of the violated around us. Lot of girls, ladies and women are shrinking due to abuse from men they trusted so much. Not only must we be physically active, our spiritual alertness is also of paramount importance. Rape has gone beyond physical, the evil forces are capitalising on it to undress our babes of their royal apparel. It is only a survivor and a victor that bounces back to fulfil destiny like the few ones that are speaking out now.
Let’s embark on both spiritual and physical rally against rape. Let’s protect every girl child and lady as if they are our blood and treasure.
Do you think it is easy to convince a rape victim that sex between lovers/couple is “sweet” after all she has been through? Do you think a rape survivor can easily believe all men are not the same? Think on these…
Dear husband, the act of rape is forcing yourself on your woman to have sex with her. You married her, you had your style with which you wooed her to say yes to you, why can’t you use same love language or ‘taming’ method to make her sleep with you willingly?
For every rape victim still hurting, don’t give up on life yet. There is a beautiful story of your life about to be written; it’s the beginning of a glorious chapter. Don’t give up until you’ve looked up; it’s never too late until you become late.
If you’re still battling with the trauma of rape or you know someone who is still hurting or struggling with her self esteem because of this, link up with us so we can help you get the necessary help and connect you to great survivors of the ordeal. Don’t die in silence, it is not your end, it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. A campaign against rape has just taken a new dimension, we are not stopping until our girls, ladies and women are totally free to walk around without the fear of sexual harassment or abuse.
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Everyone in Grace Chapel adores Lily where she is a worship leader. People always look forward to worship sessions led by her because God’s presence is always felt by her ministrations. Not only is she anointed, she is also beautiful, tall and slim and she is fondly described by her close friends. Everyone was looking forward to the blessed man that would have her hand in marriage and yes Lily accepted Paul’s proposal. Paul was envied by all eligible bachelors because it was not too long that he joined the Chapel that he proposed to Lily and she accepted almost immediately as if she had been waiting for him all her life. Their courtship period was memorable as they had chance to visit great places, attend life-changing seminars and of course go through the mandatory marriage counseling sessions. The counseling sessions opened them up to a lot of things. The courtship was already a year old and both have met each other’s parents.
They were at the last stage of the counseling session when the Counselor asked them if they had information which is very vital to their relationship that has not yet been revealed to each other. Paul had almost a clean slate as he would put it, still a virgin at the age of twenty-nine and he has promised to remain so till he gets married, so he expects his wife-to-be to be same. Lily however said she may have one or two things Paul need to know about her and she promise to tell him after the counseling session. It’s not going to be a big deal after all, she has always been a ‘church girl’, Paul muttered to himself. He however was in for a rude shock when Lily told him the most kept secret she never reveals to outsiders.
“I have a ten year old son. I had him at the age of fifteen. I was just a victim of circumstance. Armed robbers attacked our house, not only were my parents shot, I was also raped. I was rushed to the hospital after the incident to be taken care of. I don’t know what went wrong, it just happened that we later found out that I was pregnant as a result of the rape; my mum who had lost my dad due to the attack could not bear to have me go through abortion. I had to carry the baby to full term. My baby boy Hosea lives with my aunt in Ghana, I only go to see him once or twice a year. My family decided that he should be with my aunt so as not to be hunted by the memories surrounding his birth”, she said concluding her story.
Paul was speechless for so long, it was written all over his face that he was not happy with what he just heard. “I had always wanted to marry a virgin”, he lamented. He was not only disappointed that his fiancée is not a virgin, but that she was raped and also has a child out of wedlock? That sounds so terrible indeed. He really needs time to think about it. And he did think about it and came to the conclusion that he cannot marry Lily any longer.
It was a terrible time for Lily as she found it so hard to believe that Paul would leave her on account of a past she has no control over. She was devastated and heartbroken.
Lily, you don’t need to apologize over a past you have no control over. All you need to do is appreciate your creator for a beautiful tomorrow already promised. Not every man is man-enough to groom you. Someone has been specially equipped to accept you the way you are. For every Ruth, there is “a” Boaz waiting for her who will no longer remember her dirty past. If God in His infinite mercy decide not to remember your past anymore, who is that man that still condemns you? The adulterous woman was condemned but Jesus refused to condemn her with a warning to go and sin no more.
Naomi’s closest relation who was supposed to marry Ruth wouldn’t accept her because he couldn’t take his eyes away from her scar (Ruth 4:1-6). Anyone that wants to tear open your healing wound should not be allowed to come near you. This is because they will end up bringing back dried tears.
Let the bleeding of your scar stop, refuse to be stigmatized, wipe your tears, someone better is coming your way who will no longer remember your dirty past or hold you accountable for it.
Quinn and Kate had just returned from their honeymoon and were both resting on the bed when Kate’s phone buzzed. ‘Ssssh who could that be’, she muttered and picked her phone to answer the call not interested in the caller’s identity. ‘It’s me Princess’ she could hear her mother’s voice clearly. Not willing to wake up her prince charming, she un-wrapped Quinn’s arms from her body and tiptoed into the bathroom. ‘What is it mum, am still basking in the fragrance of my honeymoon and…’ Her mum did not allow her to finish her statement as there was a matter of urgency that needed her attention. ‘It’s your son Richard, he has been sick since you left for honeymoon and we have been taking care of him, the case however got worse few hours ago when he lost consciousness, he is on his way to the theater as the doctor said the only way to save his life is to carry out a surgery on him immediately’. Kate held her breath, she couldn’t believe what she just heard, she left her five years old son, hale and healthy before her wedding which was followed by her honeymoon. ‘God…Richard must not die, I will die if he does because I went through a lot when his father denied his pregnancy and I singlehandedly took care of him till now’, Kate soliloquized as tears rush down her eyes. And to make matter worse, she never told her spouse, Quinn anything about Richard her son, she tactically hid him so as not to lose Quinn. He had loved and cared for her so much that she didn’t want to lose him because of her son. She was hoping that after their honeymoon, she would be able to ask him for forgiveness and then tell him. All of a sudden, she remembered Quinn must have felt her absence beside him; she turned back to return to the bedroom only to see her spouse Quinn, some meters away from her.
‘Who is Richard?’ he asked looking at her with great confusion. ‘Am so sorry baby, I was hoping to explain everything about him to you after the honeymoon, I didn’t want to lose you because of him,’ Kate said as she knelt down before him weeping profusely. ‘And what makes you think that you will not lose me now?’ he asked with disappointment written all over him. ‘I might as well not know a whole lot of things about you if you could hide the fact that you have a five year old son I have never heard about despite our one and half year of courtship’, he concluded.
No man/woman wants to be kept in the dark as regards his/her spouse. No one wants to be treated as a fool and no one wants his/her intelligence to be played upon. You owe your spouse the responsibility of disclosing any information about your past that needed to be known. Never let it be heard from a third party when you get married or few days/hours to your wedding, it kills trust. No sin is too big to be forgiven; no past is too ugly to be forgotten. Pour out your heart, stop hiding your wound, let the wound heal. There are some past you may say are inconsequential, but there are some that leave scars, never joke with them. If you hide details of your past from your spouse so as not to lose him/her, what is the assurance that you will keep him/her after marriage when the bubble burst?
We all love our spouses to be sincere, honest and transparent. Openness does the magic in sealing trust in relationships. From the Holy Book, we learnt that, Ruth did not disguise her ‘Moab’ identity to fit it among the Jews. She was transparent and showed that despite her “unwelcomed” identity, she was ready to embrace The God of the Israelites and that endeared Boaz’s heart to her. If you hide things from your spouse-to-be now, you’ll keep hiding things from him/her when you both get married and that is detrimental to your marriage. Great couples don’t hide secrets, they share secrets.
Being open with your spouse helps him/her to watch your back and keep praying for you. You only hide what you are not healed from, you share testimonies of what you are healed from despite its scar; so if there is a past you need healing for, please get help, seek good counselors and advisers. We may not be the cause of what happened to us in the past but we are responsible for how we handle our reaction to it.
When you make mistake and keep hiding it from your spouse, you need to tell lies and compromise some things to keep ‘the covering’ going; the more you do this, the farther you drift from your spouse and the weaker your relationship becomes until you can no longer hold it together and then your cup gets full and overflows for everyone to see. Allow your spouse to cover your nakedness now because he/she has been anointed and called to do so; “they were both naked and not ashamed”… (The Holy Bible). Don’t wait until your dirty linen is washed in the public. ‘I don’t want him to know I was once married; I don’t want him to know I was once a sex worker; I don’t want her to know I have a child out of wedlock with another woman…” All these secrets and more break up marriages and create unhappy homes when the truth is later revealed to the other partner. Save yourself from future unhappiness, embarrassment and heartaches. Tell him/her all s/he needs to know before you walk down the aisle. If s/he loves you enough…s/he will not leave you despite your past or mistake and s/he will be able to walk through with you in any circumstance you are in life. If s/he decides to leave you for being honest about your past or mistake, it means you deserve someone better, someone like Boaz to Ruth who will love you despite your past or mistake. It is better said now than later when it will be too late to bear.