Jilted…but not defeated

Pretty young woman with arms raised

Most of us have been through different kinds of abusive relationships yet we stay put in the relationship hoping our partner will change after marriage. That exactly is where we go wrong. If s/he cannot change the bad attitudes now it will take a miracle for the change to happen after marriage. This is because we display our best attitudes during courtship just to win our lover’s heart only to relax when we are married. In this edition, I will be discussing the prevalent kinds of abuse people go through in relationships. They are emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse.


I was once a victim of emotional abuse. I once dated a guy who could walk in any time of the day to declare that our relationship was over. Each time this happened, I would cry and become very devastated only for him to come back few weeks or days later begging on his knees that his life would be meaningless without me. Going by my love for him, I accept him back easily only for him to repeat his folly few weeks later. This went on and on, the more it repeats itself, the more I became an emotional wreck. In about our one year courtship, I had the relationship ‘broken’ and ‘repaired’ like seven times until I said it was enough. Any man/woman that takes pleasure in making you cry is not worthy to have you. Let me put it this way, if your partner toys with your emotions, then s/he cannot be your spouse. Free yourself before you tie the knot. Remove his/her spell on you before you walk down that aisle. Some supposed lovers will date their partners, use and dump them after promising heaven and earth. Those are the people I call heartbreakers, ‘human-abusers’ and ‘jilters’. No matter the pain you have gone through in the past; do not let it be your end because it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. For surely, there is light at the end of the tunnel.


Have you ever been through verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is when you are always put down through utterances and words. If insults, destructive criticisms and words that hurt someone’s self esteem are usually used on you, then it means you are being subjected to verbal abuse from your attacker. The worse is when such person is your lover/partner. Such person make you feel inferior before his/her friends, colleagues, family and well wishers. If you are in a relationship with that kind of a person, then you are in a destructive relationship. Such a relationship will not allow you to be your best. It will only discourage you from discovering and using your potentials. Your fiancé/fiancée should see you as a blessing and not an excess baggage, anything short of this is not worth it.


Rape, incest, sexual assault, prostitution, lesbianism, homosexuality to mention a few are forms of sexual abuse. Sex is designed to be enjoyed between a married man and his wife, anything otherwise is perverse and has consequence. I put it to you that virginity is still a virtue, fornication remains a capital sin. Times may change but foundational principles behind humanity remains unchanged. Save yourself from everlasting guilt and sexually transmitted disease, abstinence from sex is the key if you are yet to marry. For those who were raped or taken advantage of forcefully, there is hope. Don’t live in the pain of the past, seek professional help, go for counselling, and talk to someone who can help you overcome the stigma.  You do have a great future and it is possible to end up marrying someone who will value you and treat you with royalty just as you were created to be.


Anyone that takes pleasure in inflicting physical pain on you through beating or hitting you with hard objects is subjecting you to physical abuse. Some ladies have become slaves in the hands of their ‘macho’ fiancé. They are being molested and hit with hard objects most times for every mistake they do. Some even harm their partners for mere suspicion because they are possessive. If the guy keeps beating you now while you are still courting, he will likely kill and bury you secretly after marrying you. There are some ladies too who are good   in slapping the men in their lives, this is nothing but perversion of the highest order. True love cares; it does not inflict injury on someone. Set yourself free now from that destructive relationship before you lose your life. A word is enough for the wise.


For all those who have been jilted one time or the other, it is not the end of life, do not commit suicide. That s/he walks out of your life means you deserve someone better. Don’t give up on life, you will love again and you will be happy!




Let the wounds heal…


“I will never love again”, Ladi stated emphatically as he bore his heart to his best friend Kola who was tired of telling him to move on and forget his supposed fiancee who ditched him a month to their wedding. That exactly was six years ago when Lauren called to tell Ladi that their dream of being together as husband and wife was over. It was a rude shock for him but he kept convincing himself that it was a joke and that his babe would eventually change her mind. Six years after, he still lived in the illusion that his once fiancee  Lauren who he has refused any form of contact with him will one day change her mind and if not, then he won’t marry anyone else.

“She was my first love”, he kept telling anyone that cared to listen; “and she will remain my only love.” he usually concludes. “Can’t you see that she does not love you again?” Kola asked him. “She never stopped loving me,” he snapped. “It is so obvious that you do not want to face reality friend, if she loves you enough, she will never have walked out of your life one month to your wedding”, Kola told his friend. Ladi shook his head, no one seems to understand him, they don’t know how much he hurts for Lauren. She is everything and more of what he ever dreamt for in a wife. She brought beauty to his life when she came in and it seems she has taken away the same beauty the day she walked out. When she announced the ‘call-off’ of their relationship, he had run to her house to beg her, he remembered crying his heart out that she meant the world to him, but Lauren seems to have made up her mind. She said it was just over and marriage between them would not work. It was some months later that he heard she got married to someone else. Ladi couldn’t bring himself to love someone else because he believed that a tangible part of him had gone with Lauren. Gosh, he gave that relationship his best. And to think of it, he had already bought her wedding dress. Lauren had the wedding dress parceled back to him. He still has the dress in his closet and he usually check out the dress with tears in his eyes, hoping and praying that Lauren would one day come back to her senses and elegantly walk down the aisle with him.

Much as the above is a fiction, there are lot of people whose hearts have been broken like Ladi and have refused to go on in life, hoping for a sweet yesterday that will never come. It is okay to get injured but it is bad to remain wounded for life. Someone may toy with your feelings once but never allow him/her cage your heart forever; let the pains of yesterday go. It hurts to go through disappointment but it hurts more to refuse to get over the disappointment.

In same vein, there are lots of men/women whose spouse walked out of their marriage and this has left them devastated. It is so painful to feel betrayed by one’s spouse after putting so much in a marriage but it is more awful to remain sad for the rest of your life. Learn to forgive your spouse and yourself. Some people blame themselves for things that go wrong. It is okay to take the blame for whatever wrong that happened but it is not okay to blame yourself forever. Forgive yourself and let the wounds heal. Can you for once remember the good you did? Can you please try to celebrate yourself today, make yourself happy and let’s see how that will affect how you feel? Can you try to take yourself out, treat ‘you’ to a nice time and for once forget the misery you went through in that relationship? Sweetheart, there is always ‘the light’ waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up on life simply because s/he walked out of that relationship or because you failed that job interview or lose the contract. No one has the power to make you sad without your consent. It is okay to cry over a sweet relationship turned sour but you have an obligation to get over the bitter past and live for a beautiful tomorrow. Loaded in your tomorrow is a package of beautiful life, don’t trade it with your untreated wounded heart, so let yesterday go, forget the past and determine to live again. You have a right not to love again because you lost a beloved spouse or had your heart broken but you will do yourself no good by refusing to let the wound heal. So, get the healing balm, take yourself out, keep good company, listen to good music, read great books /articles; watch inspiring films and be positive about life. You will succeed!