My Spouse’s Ex

ImageDavid’s parents never supported his relationship with Leah from day one. It took a lot of pressure, personal conviction and confirmation from God before David decided to put an end to their four years courtship. However, it was only in David’s heart that the relationship was over; he couldn’t face Leah to tell her. They were each other’s first love and he remembered promising her to always be there for her no matter what happens. David always found it difficult to hurt people’s feelings, especially those he loved dearly; but in this situation, it was so crystal clear that God wanted him to move on in life but definitely not with Leah.

Not so long after, he met Treasure whom he fell in love with. He loved almost everything about her. He took his time to ask her out and she gave her consent to their lives together. It was after Treasure gave a yes to his proposal that David told her about his ex; Leah, he told her that he did not end the relationship verbally with her but in due time she should discern his distance means he is no more interested. Treasure was not happy that he didn’t end it with his ex verbally but David re-assured her that there won’t be any issue.

In a short while, Leah found out and confronted David who confirmed that he had met somebody else.  Leah was so bitter she almost committed suicide, she reminded David of his endless promises to her. David begged her and promised to still remain her friend. To fulfill his promise, she mandated him to call her everyday until she gets over the whole trauma. He promised he will and also told his fiancée; Treasure, about it all. Treasure felt there was no big deal in the daily call to Leah since it was for her to get over her broken relationship with David.

David and Treasure are now married; Treasure discovered her husband still calls Leah and that realization has made her very sad. There were times that she had caught him receiving calls outside their home and when she walks up to him suddenly, he usually has guilt written all over his face. Let me chip it in here that throughout his relationship with Leah, he never slept with her, yes! He is from a familywith strong moral values that believe abstinence from sex before marriage is not negotiable.

Your Ex is your past; don’t empower it to trouble your present and future. Singles must be careful not to believe love is blind and then fail to notice any form of anomaly during their courtship, there are some things that need to be dealt with while courting. If you caress and pamper those things instead of addressing them, they will grow very strong and contend with you in marriage.

So he/she flirts with someone else while you are courting and you feel comfortable with it because he has fixed the wedding date between you two? You are playing with fire. An Ex is an old flame that has the power to start up a new fire of emotions in you if you refuse to create the necessary distance. If your fiancé/fiancée sees nothing wrong in telling ‘small’ lies now in courtship, marriage to him/her won’t stop that behavior. Some spinsters and bachelors need serious ‘overhauling’ of their behavior before they are fit for marriage.  Dear single sister, if you attracted him with your beauty, you will need good character to retain him. Parents, let’s train our kids well because an attractive lady without morals and manners will make a mess of her husband and home. A handsome man who has a problem zipping up will end up in disgrace. It is true that there is no perfect spouse but discipline is critical. Let your ex remain your ex; your spouse is too precious to be disturbed with a past that didn’t end well.

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Matured…but not Married

ImageSisi has four siblings and the youngest of them, Lola would be getting married this weekend. Sisi is thirty four years and she is beginning to get worried that she won’t be able to get any suitable suitor before she grows old. She seems to be on the big side as regards her size and she has been making frantic efforts to reduce her weight. There has been so much pressure on her of recent as all her friends are either married or already have one or more kids to their credits.

‘Lanre is forty years and he is yet to settle down. All the ladies he has come across either seems not to be the right material for him or they can’t cope with the expectations he is looking for in a wife . He has however concluded that there may not be a woman out there who will surpass all the good virtues he has seen in his great mother.

Bola will be thirty-five this month and she had waited all these years to get married. When the suitor wasn’t forth coming she gave herself wholly to fulfilling purpose and even made savings to go for her Masters abroad, few months ago she met Bade, the man of her dreams, who though is some few years older than her has never been married. As she marks her birthday this month, she will also be getting married despite her family had almost given up on her getting a bachelor as a suitor.

There are great lessons to learn from the lives of Sisi, ‘Lanre and Bola. Sisi might not have a suitor right now; it doesn’t mean her time will not come. To many, Lanre is over ripe and may be under pressure to settle down with anyone that comes his way. However, marriage is not a game or a trial and error venture that can be joined into with any partner. A look at the tips below will be of help to anyone in Sisi and Lanre’s situation:

Don’t compromise standard regardless of how pressurized you may be to get married. Marriage is a life-time contract and not a short term venture and as such should not be entered with anyone you don’t know too well.

Always be positive about life, that you have a delay now does not mean you will be denied of a spouse of your own as long as you are interested in getting married.

Work on yourself, be presentable, be current and smart. If you need to work on your shape or figure, do that, hit the gym if need be. Stop bad eating habits that may be making you add unnecessary weights. Dress well, be neat, know how well to combine the clothes in your wardrobe. Look beautiful, no one is ugly, we only have people who don’t know how to take care of themselves. You only attract your quality in the opposite sex.

Learn about relationship and how to treat people. Go for counsel, read books, articles and listen to podcasts or messages about relationship. Ignorance is not an excuse.

Has there been any case of delayed marriages in your family? if it a common phenomenon, there’s nothing to worry about, you only need to talk to God ‘seriously’ to make the cup pass over you because Him only do the impossible when after you’ve tried your best and things seems not to be working.

God not only instituted marriage, He is very much interested in our relationship as He wants the best for us, you need to be connected to Him and ask Him to direct your path just as He brought Ruth and Boaz together.

Get a need and fulfill it. Pursue purpose; don’t just keep waiting endlessly and lying idle. Mike Murdock wrote in his book, Laws of Recognition, “Productive women attract productive men. It happened in the case of Ruth, yours will not be an exception. (Ruth chapter 3 and 4)

Talk to a Relationship Coach, there may be something you need to share with him/her that might have caused the delay.

Don’t set unrealistic expectations for your spouse to be. There is no perfect man/woman only God is perfect.

Never ever give up on yourself and future. Your time will come and you will meet your spouse.

 

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Married but lonely

I had a time of loneliness few months after I got married. The kind of house my spouse and I desired to live after we got married was some distance away from where we both worked. We loved the house and thought the distance won’t cause any problem until few months after we got married. My spouse would drive for hours to and fro work every day and this weighed down on him. Later on he decided to just be coming home like twice a week because he also has to minister in church at the midweek service and church was closer to his work place than home. I had dreamt of having a spouse that would be around me almost every hour of the day…such huge expectation you think? So, the less of my spouse I see daily; the more devastated I become.  I became so lonely. I have family members around who check on me when I come back from work at night but that couldn’t fill the void my spouse left. It was at this period in my life that I discovered that I had placed so much expectation on my spouse about him being around me all the time and oops he can’t meet up with the expectation because he’s human. It was then I found out that I had given my spouse more priority than an ever present friend, God.

Don’t get it twisted, I had been a Christian all along, but I had actually taken the fact that marriage is a three great cord, lightly. The cord comprises of God, man and his wife; not husband and wife only.  It is beautifully put in the bestselling book of Bishop T.D. Jakes, The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord.

Every member of this cord has their functions and when one of them is excluded, the vacuum will be felt. It was at this time, I discovered that God will always be there whenever my spouse is not. Loneliness is not cured by the presence of another person in your life. Once you cannot overcome loneliness while single, you may be married yet remain lonely. You can be so busy alone and feel as if you have a company of a whole lot of people with you. Build your self esteem. If you are struggling with loneliness while alone, you may still be lonely in the company of lot of friends. The presence of God in your life fills great vacuum and His Spirit teaches all things including how to handle your relationship.

I was able to overcome this period of my life through God’s help. My spouse and I had to re-strategize our lives since he also want his wife to be happy always. We had to move to another house, though it was not extraordinary place like the initial house, but it took care of the proximity between our places of work, house and church. It also helped our effectiveness and efficiency in all ramifications because the home is not far any more for any one of us.

If you are married but do all things as if you are a single parent because the other partner is not always there….. If you have to make all the important decisions in the home front alone because he/she is not always available….maybe the kids don’t even recognize him/his authority because they hardly see him because of his tight schedule….He never even knows the kids need him at the next PTA because he never get bothered about their school activities…Dear, if all these and more are what you experience despite your married status, take it from me, you are married but living as a single.

Marriage is partnership and not a sole proprietorship thing. Get your spouse in the boat, you are meant to cruise together, don’t go solo. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him or seek help from trusted counselors and mentors. Get connected back to your wife; keep the flame of that love hot and burning. Don’t die in silence. Two good heads are better than one; don’t give yourself headache trying to make a vital decision alone which concerns the whole family.  Your presence is more important than the regular presents you buy for her, she needs you. He needs you to understand him more…see into his heart now that you are in his life. Spice up your spouse’s life; make it better than you met it.

Don’t get married because you want to overcome loneliness…overcome it before you get married less your bore your partner with your regular mood swings. Marriage is team work; don’t play ball on the pitch alone when you already have team mates. Your spouse and God are your team mates…the absence of any of the team members may permit the enemy to score against you!

 

 

Caught pants down

Richards rolled over to the other side of the bed, touching his wife lightly on her arm. She has just returned from the ‘ladies’ and seems to have resumed her sleep. It’s just 2.00am and Richards seems not to be sleeping. Rose placed her other hand on his arm, signifying she’s still much awake. ‘Not yet asleep?’ he asked her. ‘I am about to doze off’I can’t sleep, am disturbed’, he replied. ‘Disturbed?’ she turned to face her husband of five years, a man she has come to love and adore. ‘Yes baby, there’s something I need to tell you….’ Both were silent for a while; before Rose decided to speak up ‘Is it about another woman?’ ‘Yes dear’… ’is the woman Linda?’ she asked trying to clear her suspicion. ‘Yes’, he sighed. ‘Did you sleep with her?’ There was another silence before he summoned up courage to talk. ‘Yes I did’. ‘Oh my God’, she sighed….

Tears refuse to come as she quickly sat up on the bed…’am so sorry dear, I know I have messed up but I really need you to help me out…it’s a temptation…I need you to help me come out of this mess..I need you…’ Richards broke down in tears. His wife couldn’t help this time but to cry too. She saw it coming. She suspected the early morning and late night calls from this so called Linda but her husband had always re-assured her that they were nothing to the calls. She had not met the girl but her spirit had always told her the girl had a mission. Only that she did not pray about it.  Oh God, how she had missed it, Richards was every woman’s dream, handsome, outspoken, social, independent and successful entrepreneur…why on earth could this happen to her.

‘Baby please, I need you to help me out of this mess’, Richards cried out again holding his wife. Rose pushed him away. She has been hurt…her heart broken and yes the marriage covenant has been tampered with. Where on earth did she miss it; Rose pondered. She had never denied him sex and even if she has to due to tiredness or any other reason, she had always made it up for him with an appointment. And yes, they were both virgins when they married, so he has been her first and vice versa. Why did he go for another woman? Oh God, and her family, friends and colleagues hold him in high esteem. Why did he let her down so shamefully?  She has to make up her mind on what to do; it is either she throw him the towel by walking out of the marriage or forgives him. How on earth can she ever forgive him after warning him of that same lady?

She stood from up from the bed, not knowing what to do next. Richards reached out again to her, as it was almost 3.00am in the morning. She was about to push away his hand again but before she could do that Richards was already on his knees pleading. ‘For love of God Rose, please don’t leave me, if you do I am finished’. The words were too heavy for her but the hurt was also too painful. She let down the tears…words are not adequate to express her hurt. Both of them have always been great advocate of unconditional love, their lives have been a model to lots of youths around them, so how will these people feel if she walks out of her marriage. And does she really want a divorce? Oh God… she had thought her husband was different and that he will never cheat on her but just few years into their marriage…he failed her.

Richards rose to his feet and embrace his wife. ‘you are the only woman I want to be with…I let down my guard and fell flat…it was a temptation and I fell for it…my conscience won’t let me be because you have been very faithful…please help me get back to my feet dear and I promise you that it will never happen again.’

Rose held on to him tightly as if her life depends on it….but the tears kept flowing because she couldn’t yet come to terms with the fact that he betrayed her trust…

Infidelity destroys trust…It breaks home…It shatters heart and bruises one’s emotions. It however can be forgiven.  That it can be forgiven is not a justification for it.  Why would you on a good day want to sleep with another man/woman other than your spouse? Marriage vows are sacred and must be treated as such. It is not a sin to be tempted but where we err is when we fall for the temptation.

Richard took a big step by confessing to his covenant partner that he had missed it. He took the right step…he did not wait for his spouse to discover it….he has a conscience that is not yet sealed. He felt so bad about the situation he found himself and he opened up to his woman. No matter how bad he may feel; the fact remains that he messed up big time.

Rose has a justification to divorce him because he breached the marriage contract (vow) by committing adultery, but divorce is not the solution. Richards pleaded…he has cried out for help….this is the first time he had ever done that… he deserves to be forgiven and given another chance. He may however need to go for counseling or talk to spiritual mentors who he is accountable to. He will need to work hard to earn his wife’s trust again. Infidelity is a serious crime in marriage and its consequences may be very bad depending on how well it is handled. Don’t just believe it can never happen to you, rather be accountable and open with your spouse. Let your spouse watch your back and do not let down your guard. Don’t be unnecessarily close to someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Once you are having strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, seek help on time. Your ability to control your emotions shows that you are matured. Don’t be a prey to the enemy. Don’t hurt your spouse; don’t pull down the lovely home you have built with your hands. Don’t subject your kids to untold heartache. “Drink waters out of your own cistern (of a pure marriage relationship), and fresh running waters out of your own well”– Holy Bible