Married but crushing on someone else

About two years ago a celebrity friend of mine asked me if I have ever fallen in love with someone else since I got married. LOL…that to me looks like a JAMB question so I asked him to answer the question first before I give my answer. His answer was yes and mine was same. Aha…wait before you crucify me, I know there is a thin line between lust and love and sometimes we may have been infatuated with someone else and think we are in love with the person.

I know we have been taught to fall in love over and over with our spouse and never be distracted with a strange woman or man. But the reality is intimacy in marriage is intentional. To keep falling in love with your spouse continuously takes work, yes hard work. Marriage is not for lazy folks. You see, distractions will come, in fact you may think you did not make the best marital choice if you decide to check out every person that catches your fancy.

For the married, it is very important to constantly ask yourself ‘why did I get married to him/her in the first place?’. I am sure you were so much in love with this person before you married him or her. What are those things you ‘fell’ for? (if indeed you fell in love then LOL). An honest answer to these questions is the first move in redirecting your focus and attention to the one you love.
What about the singles who are engaged and courting, planning to walk down the aisle yet crushing on someone else? You may need to pause to dot your Is and cross your Ts. You really need to pause to know if your heart is sending you a signal you need not ignore. It will be very bad to be married to one person and be connected emotionally to someone else. Pressures should not be the reason you want to marry. Love should be the reason. In the words of Praise Fowowe, ‘Love is a decision that is based on a commitment to add value to someone else for the rest of your life without expecting a thank you’.

It is very good for singles to go for pre-marital counselling before walking down the aisle. It is not a good experience to be married and wishing to be single all over again. Take all the time you need to make the choice that will walk through the journey of life with you no matter what you face.

Don’t blame the divorced

Wait till you finish reading this before you’re justified to raise an eyebrow …..…
Don’t condemn the title of this article until you’re through reading this piece. Don’t make any conclusion until you have gone through all that is written here.

Would you have encouraged a woman who is constantly subjected to physical and emotional torture by her spouse to stay put in that marriage till she is beaten to death?
Would you advice someone whose spouse is an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress to stay forever in the marriage until she/he contacts STD? Even the Bible approves divorce on the ground of infidelity because infidelity breaks the covenant of marriage. It is not everyone that is graced like Prophet Hosea to wait on his harlot wife till she repents.

Today as I sit to write, I remember a dear cousin I lost a few years ago at her mid-thirties. She died leaving her young daughter and the son of her teenage years. We knew she had issues in the home front; her husband was ‘a man of war’ at home. At one time in the early days of her marriage she was diagnosed with high blood pressure after ‘a shouting match’ with her husband, which left her almost collapsing. Anyone who would have suggested divorce or temporary separation from her husband at that time would have been tagged ‘enemy of progress’ but we all know better now. She one day collapsed on her way from her work as a result of a heart attack which I knew couldn’t be separated from the war at home.

It is not safe to be living with a spouse whose sanity is not certain. Any spouse that doesn’t see anything wrong in making his/her partner cry or sad, needs a mental and marital checkup. If your spouse’s happiness no longer matters to you, you are no longer normal; ‘mehn….’, seek for help.
Some men/women are meant to emulate Apostle Paul and not get married. See, my guy; it is not compulsory to get married. If you cannot love your spouse unconditionally just as God has laid it down, don’t marry, period! It is miserable to get married and be wishing to be single all over again.

Dear friend, before you blame the divorced, listen to their stories. I usually advise singles to delete divorce from their dictionary and replace it with ‘unlimited forgiveness’ once they get married but the advice is for singles who marry right. You can’t follow God’s leading to the letter while choosing your life partner and marry wrongly. God is the best match maker. Go ask Ruth and Boaz. God’s calculation enables us marry our better half; what manipulation does is to merge Samson and Delilah together.

If God can overlook Ruth’s past and still find her suitable to be in the lineage of Jesus, if He decided to forgive Bathsheba and still crowned her son as the next king of Israel after David, tell me who are you to judge and blame a divorcee whom God has empowered to love and re-marry? A lot of people have made mistakes in ignorance and have found themselves in circumstances beyond their control because no human is perfect. The good news however is that we have a perfect God who specializes in making perfect our imperfections.

You should feel bad for someone who once loved but promised not to love again because of his/her past experience. You should however be happy for one who has taken a bold step to love again despite an ugly past or failed marriage. May our relationships be better each day and may we experience heaven on earth in our marriages. Amen!

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Love is not enough

ImageFranca is on her way to the hospital, this is the fifth time in three months that her precious daughter, Frances is battling with health crisis. She has sickle cell anaemia and each time she goes through a crisis, her mum, Franca, is always filled with grief and heartache knowing it was something she and her spouse could have avoided. Now her daughter will have to miss her school exams again this term on health grounds. The agony and pain her daughter goes through each time is indescribable.

I lost a bright and brilliant cousin when he was 21 years old to sickle cell anaemia. My beautiful Biology teacher in the college also died at age 39 to the same ailment. As if that was not enough, one of my close friends in college passed away while we were getting ready for our final year due to the same ailment. Ever since then, I have taken time to know what genotype is all about and how it affects the kids one give birth to. 

Why would you with genotype AS decide to marry someone with AS or SS when you know that there is a very high tendency for up to 3 out of 4 of your kids to end up with genotype SS? “Sickle-cell disease (SCD) or sickle-cell anaemia (SCA) or drepanocytosis, is a hereditary blood disorder, characterized by red blood cells that assume an abnormal, rigid, sickle shape. Life expectancy for someone with this disease is short. The term disease is applied because the inherited abnormality causes a pathological condition that can lead to death and severe complications. “(Source: Internet)

Wait, I have strong faith in the miracle working power of God and I preach it always. However, the bible advises that you do not dare such life threatening venture if your faith is not as big as the minute mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20)

I know two Medical Doctors who were in love and planned to get married but the lady declined when she discovered her future spouse and herself were both of genotype AS. She had seen patients, especially kids, go through untold pain and life threatening moments because of their genotype and so she did not want to bring kids to this world who would suffer the same fate. Her fiancé who is a strong believer in miracles told her his own genotype could change to AA before they get married. She told him to go and pray for the change to happen first and then he can come back after the change to propose to her again.

The man took it as a big challenge and prayed to God. His genotype did change to AA. His fiancée had to take the result to not less than three laboratories to confirm the change before she believed. Today they are both married and all their kids are healthy. Do not tell me love is blind. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. Do not make decisions that will make your kids curse you tomorrow. Why birth kids to subject them to regular pain and torture? In your counseling session before marriage, medical tests and advice also count. No knowledge is useless.

Love is beautiful but marry for reasons stronger than the feelings that give you sleepless nights if you have not heard from him/her. Marry for reasons that will make you both stay together even when you do not feel those butterflies in your stomach again. Marry for reasons that will make both of you stick together through thick and thin.

A lot of marriages in the western world crash when the feelings are gone; marriages that last are beyond feelings, they have strong pillars built on values, virtues and vows. It takes dogged commitment for anything to last. It takes more than “I’m in love” to keep a relationship together forever. It is the festive period, a lot of people will meet and claim to be in love when they mingle at recreational centers and holiday spots. Be wise, be careful, do not let your mind and head go to sleep when you are in love lest you get tied down to lust thinking it is love. Let us do it again in 2014. Thanks for staying with me in 2013 and especially for voting for this blog; we won the Best Relationship Blog Award (Judges’ Choice) from Nigerian Blog Awards 2013; your vote pulled it through for us. I value you greatly.

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Before You walk down the Aisle

ImageI hope you know that marriage life need greater investment than the wedding day. The wedding day is a ceremony of few hours while marriage life which begins immediately after the wedding entails countless hours culminating into many years which I term forever.

 

It is better you dot your I(s) and cross your. T(s) before walking down the aisle with him/her. I want to believe you know your future spouse’s temperament? So let me ask you, ‘can you cope with him/her?’ Until you are able to satisfactorily answer that question, I bet you’re ill prepared for the marriage life. 

 

Temperament is a natural behavioural pattern. It depicts how someone behaves. Your spouse can either be SANGUINE, CHOLERIC, MELANCHOLIC or PHLEGMATIC according to a proto-psychological theory, although it is possible for someone to have a mixture of the types.

 

A SANGUINE is pleasure-seeking and sociable and so enjoys talking much. A CHOLERIC on the other hand is ambitious and leader-like in nature so they are ruthless and may seems to cause trouble. A MELANCHOLIC is analytical and thoughtful, they think more than they talk. A PHLEGMATIC is relaxed and quiet, s/he is a lay back person.

 

There are however no bad or good temperament. Take for instance, you don’t need to be put off by a SANGUINE because s/he talks too much, what if s/he makes sure that the talks are so loaded with sense and not rubbish. There are lot of people making impact via their talks. There is no temperament that cannot be managed and harnessed for the best. I strongly recommend that you read SPIRIT CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT by Tim & Beverly Lahaye; you should also read WHY YOU BEHAVE THE WAY YOU DO by Tim Lahaye.

 

Did I hear you say you’re married to a man who has issue with his temper and who enjoys throwing tantrums? Let me help you with this, I read a story in one of one Local Language Text(Yoruba Language- Nigeria) in my elementary school . A wife who was desperate in winning her husband’s heart over visited a native love doctor to get a love charm she can use on her spouse. The love doctor needed only one ingredient, fresh milk from a lioness.

 

The woman was bent of winning her spouse over and she devised the means of getting the ingredient. She kicked a goat, spice it up and made her way to a thick forest where a lioness can be found. On sighting the lioness from afar, she threw the spiced meat bit by bit from the distance till she exhausted her stock.

 

She did it for the next 21 days and each day she moves closer to the lioness which at this time has recognise her as its good friend. On the 21st day, she took the bold step to touch the lioness and softly tap its milk. Mission accomplished, she made her way quickly to the native doctor who was stunned when she narrated how she was able to milk the almighty lioness.

 

The native doctor wasted no time in telling her that she is the best love charm that can work for her spouse. She was urged to go and use same patience and wisdom she applied in milking the lioness on her spouse. Hmm what an advice! The writings of Apostle Paul to the Galatians chapter 5 verses 22 and 23 listed the fruit of the Spirit which are: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance. 

 

If you possess the above, there is no one you can’t live it. I have seen the hardest heart melt at the feel of love. Go an extra mile for him/her. I know there is something about that man/woman that made you fell in love in the first place. Harness that spot again, rekindle that flame of love, the fruit of Spirit enables you to harness the strength in your spouse’s temperament and yours! You may however have to give your life to Jesus before you can ‘grow’ the fruit of the Spirit. May your marriage be Eden on earth!

 

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Married but lonely

I had a time of loneliness few months after I got married. The kind of house my spouse and I desired to live after we got married was some distance away from where we both worked. We loved the house and thought the distance won’t cause any problem until few months after we got married. My spouse would drive for hours to and fro work every day and this weighed down on him. Later on he decided to just be coming home like twice a week because he also has to minister in church at the midweek service and church was closer to his work place than home. I had dreamt of having a spouse that would be around me almost every hour of the day…such huge expectation you think? So, the less of my spouse I see daily; the more devastated I become.  I became so lonely. I have family members around who check on me when I come back from work at night but that couldn’t fill the void my spouse left. It was at this period in my life that I discovered that I had placed so much expectation on my spouse about him being around me all the time and oops he can’t meet up with the expectation because he’s human. It was then I found out that I had given my spouse more priority than an ever present friend, God.

Don’t get it twisted, I had been a Christian all along, but I had actually taken the fact that marriage is a three great cord, lightly. The cord comprises of God, man and his wife; not husband and wife only.  It is beautifully put in the bestselling book of Bishop T.D. Jakes, The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord.

Every member of this cord has their functions and when one of them is excluded, the vacuum will be felt. It was at this time, I discovered that God will always be there whenever my spouse is not. Loneliness is not cured by the presence of another person in your life. Once you cannot overcome loneliness while single, you may be married yet remain lonely. You can be so busy alone and feel as if you have a company of a whole lot of people with you. Build your self esteem. If you are struggling with loneliness while alone, you may still be lonely in the company of lot of friends. The presence of God in your life fills great vacuum and His Spirit teaches all things including how to handle your relationship.

I was able to overcome this period of my life through God’s help. My spouse and I had to re-strategize our lives since he also want his wife to be happy always. We had to move to another house, though it was not extraordinary place like the initial house, but it took care of the proximity between our places of work, house and church. It also helped our effectiveness and efficiency in all ramifications because the home is not far any more for any one of us.

If you are married but do all things as if you are a single parent because the other partner is not always there….. If you have to make all the important decisions in the home front alone because he/she is not always available….maybe the kids don’t even recognize him/his authority because they hardly see him because of his tight schedule….He never even knows the kids need him at the next PTA because he never get bothered about their school activities…Dear, if all these and more are what you experience despite your married status, take it from me, you are married but living as a single.

Marriage is partnership and not a sole proprietorship thing. Get your spouse in the boat, you are meant to cruise together, don’t go solo. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him or seek help from trusted counselors and mentors. Get connected back to your wife; keep the flame of that love hot and burning. Don’t die in silence. Two good heads are better than one; don’t give yourself headache trying to make a vital decision alone which concerns the whole family.  Your presence is more important than the regular presents you buy for her, she needs you. He needs you to understand him more…see into his heart now that you are in his life. Spice up your spouse’s life; make it better than you met it.

Don’t get married because you want to overcome loneliness…overcome it before you get married less your bore your partner with your regular mood swings. Marriage is team work; don’t play ball on the pitch alone when you already have team mates. Your spouse and God are your team mates…the absence of any of the team members may permit the enemy to score against you!

 

 

Caught pants down

Richards rolled over to the other side of the bed, touching his wife lightly on her arm. She has just returned from the ‘ladies’ and seems to have resumed her sleep. It’s just 2.00am and Richards seems not to be sleeping. Rose placed her other hand on his arm, signifying she’s still much awake. ‘Not yet asleep?’ he asked her. ‘I am about to doze off’I can’t sleep, am disturbed’, he replied. ‘Disturbed?’ she turned to face her husband of five years, a man she has come to love and adore. ‘Yes baby, there’s something I need to tell you….’ Both were silent for a while; before Rose decided to speak up ‘Is it about another woman?’ ‘Yes dear’… ’is the woman Linda?’ she asked trying to clear her suspicion. ‘Yes’, he sighed. ‘Did you sleep with her?’ There was another silence before he summoned up courage to talk. ‘Yes I did’. ‘Oh my God’, she sighed….

Tears refuse to come as she quickly sat up on the bed…’am so sorry dear, I know I have messed up but I really need you to help me out…it’s a temptation…I need you to help me come out of this mess..I need you…’ Richards broke down in tears. His wife couldn’t help this time but to cry too. She saw it coming. She suspected the early morning and late night calls from this so called Linda but her husband had always re-assured her that they were nothing to the calls. She had not met the girl but her spirit had always told her the girl had a mission. Only that she did not pray about it.  Oh God, how she had missed it, Richards was every woman’s dream, handsome, outspoken, social, independent and successful entrepreneur…why on earth could this happen to her.

‘Baby please, I need you to help me out of this mess’, Richards cried out again holding his wife. Rose pushed him away. She has been hurt…her heart broken and yes the marriage covenant has been tampered with. Where on earth did she miss it; Rose pondered. She had never denied him sex and even if she has to due to tiredness or any other reason, she had always made it up for him with an appointment. And yes, they were both virgins when they married, so he has been her first and vice versa. Why did he go for another woman? Oh God, and her family, friends and colleagues hold him in high esteem. Why did he let her down so shamefully?  She has to make up her mind on what to do; it is either she throw him the towel by walking out of the marriage or forgives him. How on earth can she ever forgive him after warning him of that same lady?

She stood from up from the bed, not knowing what to do next. Richards reached out again to her, as it was almost 3.00am in the morning. She was about to push away his hand again but before she could do that Richards was already on his knees pleading. ‘For love of God Rose, please don’t leave me, if you do I am finished’. The words were too heavy for her but the hurt was also too painful. She let down the tears…words are not adequate to express her hurt. Both of them have always been great advocate of unconditional love, their lives have been a model to lots of youths around them, so how will these people feel if she walks out of her marriage. And does she really want a divorce? Oh God… she had thought her husband was different and that he will never cheat on her but just few years into their marriage…he failed her.

Richards rose to his feet and embrace his wife. ‘you are the only woman I want to be with…I let down my guard and fell flat…it was a temptation and I fell for it…my conscience won’t let me be because you have been very faithful…please help me get back to my feet dear and I promise you that it will never happen again.’

Rose held on to him tightly as if her life depends on it….but the tears kept flowing because she couldn’t yet come to terms with the fact that he betrayed her trust…

Infidelity destroys trust…It breaks home…It shatters heart and bruises one’s emotions. It however can be forgiven.  That it can be forgiven is not a justification for it.  Why would you on a good day want to sleep with another man/woman other than your spouse? Marriage vows are sacred and must be treated as such. It is not a sin to be tempted but where we err is when we fall for the temptation.

Richard took a big step by confessing to his covenant partner that he had missed it. He took the right step…he did not wait for his spouse to discover it….he has a conscience that is not yet sealed. He felt so bad about the situation he found himself and he opened up to his woman. No matter how bad he may feel; the fact remains that he messed up big time.

Rose has a justification to divorce him because he breached the marriage contract (vow) by committing adultery, but divorce is not the solution. Richards pleaded…he has cried out for help….this is the first time he had ever done that… he deserves to be forgiven and given another chance. He may however need to go for counseling or talk to spiritual mentors who he is accountable to. He will need to work hard to earn his wife’s trust again. Infidelity is a serious crime in marriage and its consequences may be very bad depending on how well it is handled. Don’t just believe it can never happen to you, rather be accountable and open with your spouse. Let your spouse watch your back and do not let down your guard. Don’t be unnecessarily close to someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Once you are having strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, seek help on time. Your ability to control your emotions shows that you are matured. Don’t be a prey to the enemy. Don’t hurt your spouse; don’t pull down the lovely home you have built with your hands. Don’t subject your kids to untold heartache. “Drink waters out of your own cistern (of a pure marriage relationship), and fresh running waters out of your own well”– Holy Bible

 

Jilted…but not defeated

Pretty young woman with arms raised

Most of us have been through different kinds of abusive relationships yet we stay put in the relationship hoping our partner will change after marriage. That exactly is where we go wrong. If s/he cannot change the bad attitudes now it will take a miracle for the change to happen after marriage. This is because we display our best attitudes during courtship just to win our lover’s heart only to relax when we are married. In this edition, I will be discussing the prevalent kinds of abuse people go through in relationships. They are emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse.

 

I was once a victim of emotional abuse. I once dated a guy who could walk in any time of the day to declare that our relationship was over. Each time this happened, I would cry and become very devastated only for him to come back few weeks or days later begging on his knees that his life would be meaningless without me. Going by my love for him, I accept him back easily only for him to repeat his folly few weeks later. This went on and on, the more it repeats itself, the more I became an emotional wreck. In about our one year courtship, I had the relationship ‘broken’ and ‘repaired’ like seven times until I said it was enough. Any man/woman that takes pleasure in making you cry is not worthy to have you. Let me put it this way, if your partner toys with your emotions, then s/he cannot be your spouse. Free yourself before you tie the knot. Remove his/her spell on you before you walk down that aisle. Some supposed lovers will date their partners, use and dump them after promising heaven and earth. Those are the people I call heartbreakers, ‘human-abusers’ and ‘jilters’. No matter the pain you have gone through in the past; do not let it be your end because it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. For surely, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Have you ever been through verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is when you are always put down through utterances and words. If insults, destructive criticisms and words that hurt someone’s self esteem are usually used on you, then it means you are being subjected to verbal abuse from your attacker. The worse is when such person is your lover/partner. Such person make you feel inferior before his/her friends, colleagues, family and well wishers. If you are in a relationship with that kind of a person, then you are in a destructive relationship. Such a relationship will not allow you to be your best. It will only discourage you from discovering and using your potentials. Your fiancé/fiancée should see you as a blessing and not an excess baggage, anything short of this is not worth it.

 

Rape, incest, sexual assault, prostitution, lesbianism, homosexuality to mention a few are forms of sexual abuse. Sex is designed to be enjoyed between a married man and his wife, anything otherwise is perverse and has consequence. I put it to you that virginity is still a virtue, fornication remains a capital sin. Times may change but foundational principles behind humanity remains unchanged. Save yourself from everlasting guilt and sexually transmitted disease, abstinence from sex is the key if you are yet to marry. For those who were raped or taken advantage of forcefully, there is hope. Don’t live in the pain of the past, seek professional help, go for counselling, and talk to someone who can help you overcome the stigma.  You do have a great future and it is possible to end up marrying someone who will value you and treat you with royalty just as you were created to be.

 

Anyone that takes pleasure in inflicting physical pain on you through beating or hitting you with hard objects is subjecting you to physical abuse. Some ladies have become slaves in the hands of their ‘macho’ fiancé. They are being molested and hit with hard objects most times for every mistake they do. Some even harm their partners for mere suspicion because they are possessive. If the guy keeps beating you now while you are still courting, he will likely kill and bury you secretly after marrying you. There are some ladies too who are good   in slapping the men in their lives, this is nothing but perversion of the highest order. True love cares; it does not inflict injury on someone. Set yourself free now from that destructive relationship before you lose your life. A word is enough for the wise.

 

For all those who have been jilted one time or the other, it is not the end of life, do not commit suicide. That s/he walks out of your life means you deserve someone better. Don’t give up on life, you will love again and you will be happy!

 

 

 

When the past comes knocking…

Quinn and Kate had just returned from their honeymoon and were both resting on the bed when Kate’s phone buzzed. ‘Ssssh who could that be’, she muttered and picked her phone to answer the call not interested in the caller’s identity. ‘It’s me Princess’ she could hear her mother’s voice clearly. Not willing to wake up her prince charming, she un-wrapped Quinn’s arms from her body and tiptoed into the bathroom. ‘What is it mum, am still basking in the fragrance of my honeymoon and…’ Her mum did not allow her to finish her statement as there was a matter of urgency that needed her attention. ‘It’s your son Richard, he has been sick since you left for honeymoon and we have been taking care of him, the case however got worse few hours ago when he lost consciousness, he is on his way to the theater as the doctor said the only way to save his life is to carry out a surgery on him immediately’. Kate held her breath, she couldn’t believe what she just heard, she left her five years old son, hale and healthy before her wedding which was followed by her honeymoon. ‘God…Richard must not die, I will die if he does because I went through a lot when his father denied his pregnancy and I singlehandedly took care of him till now’, Kate soliloquized as tears rush down her eyes. And to make matter worse, she never told her spouse, Quinn anything about Richard her son, she tactically hid him so as not to lose Quinn. He had loved and cared for her so much that she didn’t want to lose him because of her son. She was hoping that after their honeymoon, she would be able to ask him for forgiveness and then tell him. All of a sudden, she remembered Quinn must have felt her absence beside him; she turned back to return to the bedroom only to see her spouse Quinn, some meters away from her.

‘Who is Richard?’ he asked looking at her with great confusion. ‘Am so sorry baby, I was hoping to explain everything about him to you after the honeymoon, I didn’t want to lose you because of him,’ Kate said as she knelt down before him weeping profusely. ‘And what makes you think that you will not lose me now?’ he asked with disappointment written all over him. ‘I might as well not know a whole lot of things about you if you could hide the fact that you have a five year old son I have never heard about despite our one and half year of courtship’, he concluded.

No man/woman wants to be kept in the dark as regards his/her spouse. No one wants to be treated as a fool and no one wants his/her intelligence to be played upon. You owe your spouse the responsibility of disclosing any information about your past that needed to be known. Never let it be heard from a third party when you get married or few days/hours to your wedding, it kills trust. No sin is too big to be forgiven; no past is too ugly to be forgotten.  Pour out your heart, stop hiding your wound, let the wound heal. There are some past you may say are inconsequential, but there are some that leave scars, never joke with them. If you hide details of your past from your spouse so as not to lose him/her, what is the assurance that you will keep him/her after marriage when the bubble burst?

We all love our spouses to be sincere, honest and transparent. Openness does the magic in sealing trust in relationships. From the Holy Book, we learnt that, Ruth did not disguise her ‘Moab’ identity to fit it among the Jews. She was transparent and showed that despite her “unwelcomed” identity, she was ready to embrace The God of the Israelites and that endeared Boaz’s heart to her. If you hide things from your spouse-to-be now, you’ll keep hiding things from him/her when you both get married and that is detrimental to your marriage. Great couples don’t hide secrets, they share secrets.

Being open with your spouse helps him/her to watch your back and keep praying for you. You only hide what you are not healed from, you share testimonies of what you are healed from despite its scar; so if there is a past you need healing for, please get help, seek good counselors and advisers. We may not be the cause of what happened to us in the past but we are responsible for how we handle our reaction to it.

When you make mistake and keep hiding it from your spouse, you need to tell lies and compromise some things to keep ‘the covering’ going; the more you do this, the farther you drift from your spouse and the weaker your relationship becomes until you can no longer hold it together and then your cup gets full and overflows for everyone to see. Allow your spouse to cover your nakedness now because he/she has been anointed and called to do so; “they were both naked and not ashamed”… (The Holy Bible).  Don’t wait until your dirty linen is washed in the public. ‘I don’t want him to know I was once married; I don’t want him to know I was once a sex worker; I don’t want her to know I have a child out of wedlock with another woman…” All these secrets and more break up marriages and create unhappy homes when the truth is later revealed to the other partner. Save yourself from future unhappiness, embarrassment and heartaches. Tell him/her all s/he needs to know before you walk down the aisle. If s/he loves you enough…s/he will not leave you despite your past or mistake and s/he will be able to walk through with you in any circumstance you are in life. If s/he decides to leave you for being honest about your past or mistake, it means you deserve someone better, someone like Boaz to Ruth who will love you despite your past or mistake. It is better said now than later when it will be too late to bear.

 

Lessons from Delilah

delilah 

Let me start by reminding you that Delilah was specifically asked to seduce Samson and she did just that. She has ever since been immortalized for that great feat, conquering a great man. Every husband is great inclusive of yours and every man wants his wife to be his “seductress”. If you are not able to keep seducing your spouse, some else will do it, and a man’s mind has the ability to keep remembering the one who has the power to get him easily aroused. I hope you are aware that men are easily aroused by what they see and are usually captivated by what arouses them? So a wife who easily arouses her spouse is a woman whose husband will keep remembering every hour of the day. Have you ever been in love that your lover keeps calling you on phone at intervals just to hear your voice or to simply say “I love you”?                                                                                                                          What simply happened then is that he just can’t stop thinking about you. Most women have lost their homes because they are too holy to play “the harlot” or mistress to their husbands. For Christ’s sake, he is your husband, don’t dress like a warrior who is fully kitted while going to bed. The fact is if he is not tempted by you at all, he will outside. In the words of Bisi Adewale, President of College of Marital Success, “You cannot keep a man who your outlook cannot captivate”.

 Why not occupy your man’s mind thoroughly by displaying all for him least he satisfies his appetite outside. Wear things he loves for him in the bedroom, read books on how to be a “terrific wife”. Spice up your sex life with your spouse, don’t be a dull partner. Ways in which you can seduce your spouse include your wears (wear seductive clothes only for him at home), treat him like a King (every man is the king of his home).Don’t deny him your body. A man will easily stick to the woman that treats him right, if you don’t treat him right, someone outside is begging to do so and will in turn keep your spouse, God forbid! Cook him nice meals. A Nigeria adage says, “The way to a man’s heart is his belly”. Open the tap of your brain, think of what you can cook with what you have and ‘oops’ please know your husband’s best meals. It may mean going an extra mile to get his favorite meal ready but please do it so as not to lose his heart; it will make him love you more.

Delilah exposed Samson’s secrets to his enemies. Every man wants a woman who can be his confidant and keep his secrets. Delilah missed it at that point. Do not announce to the world or your friends information confided in you by your spouse, so as not to lose your home. Have a treasure vault in your heart or brain where you can keep vital information about your relationship or love life with your spouse. Records have shown friends losing spouses to each other simply because they have talked too much about some things about their spouses’ private lives that supposed not to be exposed. They have in turn given out their treasure to the swine.

You have to discover your spouse’s strength. Delilah took time to know her lover’s strength only that she used it against him. Study your spouse and know his strength areas, read him like a book. Then, try as much as possible to strengthen him in that area, contribute positively to make him better. You should also know his weakness so as to help him overcome it if possible or manage it to the minimum level.

The greatest book of wisdom, Bible, made us understand that Delilah tormented Samson in other to get the needed information from him. Men hate when their wives nag and torment them. When we nag our men, we push them out. The more we nag or torment them, the farther we push them away. Men love peace and will always pitch their tents with any woman who gives them such. Your man may not have it all today to give you but learn how to appreciate the little he was able to do in the past. A grateful heart never lacks, it is natural. You lose respect when you nag. There is a way of getting your request across without nagging. The reason why harlots easily rip off men is because they make their requests known when giving the men the pleasure they need. It is a give and take. Men naturally are built to give regardless of how rich their wives are but your man may never give you if you ask him the wrong way. We are naturally built to respond to appreciation, so when you appreciate for the little he did in the past even if he did nothing, “haba”, he will be propelled to do more.

On a last note, Delilah put Samson’s head on her laps. Wow! That is an “Almighty formula”. Learn to put your husband’s head on your lap. She turned her lap to his pillow no wonder he surrendered his total strength to her. Putting his head on your lap means providing a beautiful, quiet and stress-less place of abode for him where he can rest from the stress of the day. The sad news is that the opposite is the case in most homes, instead of giving him rest; he receives stress in return. This has chased lot of men into the arms of Delilah out there who is ever waiting to accommodate a man whose wife has denied care, love, attention, romance and peace.

In the words of David O. Adeoye from his book titled: Busy-ness or Business, “…If the atmosphere of your home is not healthy enough to revitalize you, you’ll always go to work tired and wounded. Whenever you leave the market place as a business person discouraged, you are supposed to get back the next day encouraged. If you left wounded, you are supposed to get back healed”.

Let’s learn the good lessons from Delilah and abstain from her negative attitudes least we lose the men we love to the woman we hate (Delilah).

Let the wounds heal…

wounded 

“I will never love again”, Ladi stated emphatically as he bore his heart to his best friend Kola who was tired of telling him to move on and forget his supposed fiancee who ditched him a month to their wedding. That exactly was six years ago when Lauren called to tell Ladi that their dream of being together as husband and wife was over. It was a rude shock for him but he kept convincing himself that it was a joke and that his babe would eventually change her mind. Six years after, he still lived in the illusion that his once fiancee  Lauren who he has refused any form of contact with him will one day change her mind and if not, then he won’t marry anyone else.

“She was my first love”, he kept telling anyone that cared to listen; “and she will remain my only love.” he usually concludes. “Can’t you see that she does not love you again?” Kola asked him. “She never stopped loving me,” he snapped. “It is so obvious that you do not want to face reality friend, if she loves you enough, she will never have walked out of your life one month to your wedding”, Kola told his friend. Ladi shook his head, no one seems to understand him, they don’t know how much he hurts for Lauren. She is everything and more of what he ever dreamt for in a wife. She brought beauty to his life when she came in and it seems she has taken away the same beauty the day she walked out. When she announced the ‘call-off’ of their relationship, he had run to her house to beg her, he remembered crying his heart out that she meant the world to him, but Lauren seems to have made up her mind. She said it was just over and marriage between them would not work. It was some months later that he heard she got married to someone else. Ladi couldn’t bring himself to love someone else because he believed that a tangible part of him had gone with Lauren. Gosh, he gave that relationship his best. And to think of it, he had already bought her wedding dress. Lauren had the wedding dress parceled back to him. He still has the dress in his closet and he usually check out the dress with tears in his eyes, hoping and praying that Lauren would one day come back to her senses and elegantly walk down the aisle with him.

Much as the above is a fiction, there are lot of people whose hearts have been broken like Ladi and have refused to go on in life, hoping for a sweet yesterday that will never come. It is okay to get injured but it is bad to remain wounded for life. Someone may toy with your feelings once but never allow him/her cage your heart forever; let the pains of yesterday go. It hurts to go through disappointment but it hurts more to refuse to get over the disappointment.

In same vein, there are lots of men/women whose spouse walked out of their marriage and this has left them devastated. It is so painful to feel betrayed by one’s spouse after putting so much in a marriage but it is more awful to remain sad for the rest of your life. Learn to forgive your spouse and yourself. Some people blame themselves for things that go wrong. It is okay to take the blame for whatever wrong that happened but it is not okay to blame yourself forever. Forgive yourself and let the wounds heal. Can you for once remember the good you did? Can you please try to celebrate yourself today, make yourself happy and let’s see how that will affect how you feel? Can you try to take yourself out, treat ‘you’ to a nice time and for once forget the misery you went through in that relationship? Sweetheart, there is always ‘the light’ waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up on life simply because s/he walked out of that relationship or because you failed that job interview or lose the contract. No one has the power to make you sad without your consent. It is okay to cry over a sweet relationship turned sour but you have an obligation to get over the bitter past and live for a beautiful tomorrow. Loaded in your tomorrow is a package of beautiful life, don’t trade it with your untreated wounded heart, so let yesterday go, forget the past and determine to live again. You have a right not to love again because you lost a beloved spouse or had your heart broken but you will do yourself no good by refusing to let the wound heal. So, get the healing balm, take yourself out, keep good company, listen to good music, read great books /articles; watch inspiring films and be positive about life. You will succeed!