Start Better Afresh


Leah (not her real name) shared her story on my Twitter Platform some months back when I invited her to facilitate. It was #WhenSinglesgather and she shared how she fell in love at her early twenties to someone her parents would not approve of. But damn it she was in love, expecting a child and nothing could change that…. she had a heart to heart talk with her ‘bobo’ and decided to elope.

She started facing reality when she eloped, her guy started abusing her after the birth of the first child but she was determined to win the love of her man back. She felt the man must be misbehaving because of the pressure of being a father.
The abuse however didn’t stop and she didn’t leave. She had the second child in the midst of abuse. It got to a time that she knew that if she didn’t leave the relationship she would die; after all it is mere co-habitation.

That was how she walked away with two kids in other to stay alive. The first thought would be who will marry her with two kids?
Today she has a new child who is one year plus, got married to the father of the child about three years ago. Her husband happened to be a handsome man who has never been married before. Great things have happened to her, she wrote a book to chronicle her story, which became an Amazon Best Seller; all just because she dared to START BETTER AFRESH.

Ayo, my good friend is a Public Speaker, he met Ebun and they started a beautiful relationship. They both loved the Lord and believe in sexual purity. They of course represent a power couple because they form a formidable team. Few months into their relationship, they wanted to be sure if they would eventually head to the altar. They went for a genotype test. The result of the test shattered their hearts. It showed that they are both AS and they know the implications. They wouldn’t want to have children that will constantly be in pain, children with sickle cell anaemia.

Ayo had the faith that his own genotype could change if he believes and trust God enough; after all he had seen it happen to one of his friends. Ebun however had lost hope on all that, she still loves Ayo but couldn’t go through the risk. One of the most difficult things to do for Ayo was to let her go. Not too long Ebun met another amazing man who happens to be AA, she liked him and told Ayo about the new found man. Ayo gave her his blessings. She got married early this year.

We were so concerned for Ayo, we knew he was happy for Ebun but we also knew he was hurting terribly for not marrying Ebun. I made it a point of duty to keep him in my prayers.
Today, Ayo is engaged to a great woman who shares similar vision with him. They will be walking down the aisle soon; this is because he decided to START AFRESH BETTER.

Now let me share some points with you if you resonate with any of the story above or if you need to start afresh better in any area of your life. Have you been through divorce or know anyone who did? This piece is a good read for him or her.

1. Acknowledge that the previous relationship ended.


2. Do not blame yourself for whatever was beyond your control in the previous relationship. Sometimes we lose something-good to get something-great.


3. Cry if that will make you better. Don’t bottle your emotions. Find someone trust-worthy who you can talk to, to make you feel better. Tears are therapeutic; sometimes it is what you need at the moment to get going.


4. Determine not to make your life come to a standstill all just because your relationship ended.


5. Glean all the lessons possible from previous relationship. Learn from the mistakes you made (if you made any) so you won’t repeat them in future.


6. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you committed and forgive your ex if he or she has hurt you in anyway. He/she may have taken advantage of you in the past; you need to forgive before you can start better afresh.


7. Give yourself time to heal. In case your ex hurt you, you have to grow up emotionally to an extent that you won’t feel bitterness when you remember him or her, until then you are yet to heal. See; don’t be in hurry to start off another relationship when you are still in pains of the past relationship. This will only bring further pains to your new relationship.

This is what I mean. You will unconsciously do transfer aggression to your new partner of the wounds you are still suffering from. This of course will be an unfair treatment on your new partner because he/she will be suffering from injury caused to you by your ex.


8. Seek closure. If it takes too long for you to heal totally from the hurt of the previous relationship, I suggest you seek the help of a professional relationship counsellor. It is okay to mourn a sweet relationship turned sour but if after six months you still hurt so badly as if the hurt is fresh….please seek help as urgent as possible.


9. Get a relationship vision board.
This is a pictorial representation of your dream relationship. Cut out pictures of couples you admire from magazines and internet and paste them on your vision board or cardboard and paste them on the wall of your room where you can always see them.

You can cut out pictures of couples on honeymoon, vacation, date nights and paste them on your vision board where you can always see them. See them, believe them and command them into reality.


10. Get a relationship Affirmation.
Affirmations are powerful. Words are powerful and they can create great things out of nothing.
Write out what you desire for your relationship.
Below is an example of Affirmation written by a client after the session she had with me:
This month I attract my better half
A man who loves me just as Christ loves the church
I attract a faithful man, a man who loves God and is ready to work for and with Him. I attract a man whose genotype is AA, who is patient with me and corrects me in love;
a man who is very much in love with me.
He is filled with my love. I attract a man who finds me attractive than any other lady in the world. He cares for me; he stays successful in every area of life.
We are building a great home together. Together we are fruitful and give birth to wonderful kids. I attract a man who is hard working, who motivates me, support my dreams and career. I attract a man who values my opinion even as we build our home together. I attract a man who never raises his hands to hit me or abuse me verbally. This and many more happen to me naturally and with ease. Amen!


As a man, you can edit it and coin it to suit you. You need to be consistent with reciting the affirmation and believe it strongly.

11. Always improve yourself.
I mean go for self improvement. Don’t remain the way you were when your old relationship ended and expect to attract someone better than your ex with the same old you. Grow yourself, build yourself and stretch yourself.


Challenge yourself to a better you. Would you be attracted to you if you were someone of the opposite sex? Always ask yourself that.

Lastly: Dress for a new beginning.


Dress like a Princess if you want to attract the Prince. Stop dressing like your past relationship. You can start better afresh, you can start NOW. Yes you can!

Before you start another relationship…

So you are contemplating starting another relationship? That means the previous relationship ended. Sometimes we wish our previous relationship(s) worked out because of our huge investment in it (them) but really if our eyes were opened to see the kind of great future carved out for us, we will be glad that the previous relationship ended because it wasn’t designed to bring out the best in us.

Alright, now that there is no one in your life or you are considering if this person you just met is best suited for you. Let me ask you, what lessons did you learn from the previous relationship?

If you were hurt in the past, have you forgiven your ex? Please know that if you’re still hurting from a failed relationship, you’re not healthy enough to start another one. Why? Your wound is probably still fresh or you’re still healing. If any pain is inflicted on your already existing wound, it can cause you more damage and this in return can make you lash out at your new partner or even make him/her want to pay for the offence your ex committed. Let go of yesterday’s hurt, pain and abuse. Only then are you qualified and certified whole and healthy to give another relationship a try.

Do you still cry when you remember the past hurt? Do you still feel bitterness towards your ex when you remember him or her? Then you’re still hurting. ‘How do I get healed if I’m still hurting?’ you may be asking. Let me help you with a few steps. Forgive yourself, forgive the person that hurt you (free them from the prison of your heart). Here, I say forgive…but don’t forget the lessons you learnt from the past hurt. For instance, if he used to abuse you or she cheated on you over and over before the relationship came to an end, forgive. You need this to move on, but don’t forget how to identify a ‘cheat’ or a man who enjoys abusing his partner, so you won’t fall prey to the same kind of person in future.

In healing from the past, love yourself unconditionally. Treat yourself like the king/queen that you are. Take yourself out and give YOU a nice treat. If no one is your VAL, be your own VAL. Look in the mirror and say all the nice things you want to hear about yourself. Learn to encourage and motivate yourself. This is because you can’t love someone else the way they deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself well enough. You can’t give what you don’t have. Period!

In getting healed from the past, listen to music that ministers and feeds your soul. Songs are powerful, they have a way of touching the heart even the deepest part of it. Be sure to surround yourself with people that believe in you. You need them to forget the past and to move on.

‘It takes courage to love again when you have been hurt. The alternative is to give up on love. Don’t! Be brave to love and love again.’ – Anonymous

One thing I want you to know is that not every man is a cheat, not every woman is after your money. There are great individuals whose main concerns are your happiness and joy. Find and surround yourself with such individuals. You can only attract your quality in the opposite sex. You may not be able to attract diamond if all you’re stuffed up with is wood. Birds of the same feather flock together. It therefore means if you want a Prince, you have to become a Princess (and vice versa).

Before you start another relationship, be ready to give your best and be prepared to let your Maker be involved in it all because relationship was and still is His original idea and He is the best matchmaker ever. His record remains unbroken. That your ex left you is not the end of your life, it is the beginning of the best chapters of your life about to be written. I wait to read your love story.another-relationship

My Spouse’s Ex

ImageDavid’s parents never supported his relationship with Leah from day one. It took a lot of pressure, personal conviction and confirmation from God before David decided to put an end to their four years courtship. However, it was only in David’s heart that the relationship was over; he couldn’t face Leah to tell her. They were each other’s first love and he remembered promising her to always be there for her no matter what happens. David always found it difficult to hurt people’s feelings, especially those he loved dearly; but in this situation, it was so crystal clear that God wanted him to move on in life but definitely not with Leah.

Not so long after, he met Treasure whom he fell in love with. He loved almost everything about her. He took his time to ask her out and she gave her consent to their lives together. It was after Treasure gave a yes to his proposal that David told her about his ex; Leah, he told her that he did not end the relationship verbally with her but in due time she should discern his distance means he is no more interested. Treasure was not happy that he didn’t end it with his ex verbally but David re-assured her that there won’t be any issue.

In a short while, Leah found out and confronted David who confirmed that he had met somebody else.  Leah was so bitter she almost committed suicide, she reminded David of his endless promises to her. David begged her and promised to still remain her friend. To fulfill his promise, she mandated him to call her everyday until she gets over the whole trauma. He promised he will and also told his fiancée; Treasure, about it all. Treasure felt there was no big deal in the daily call to Leah since it was for her to get over her broken relationship with David.

David and Treasure are now married; Treasure discovered her husband still calls Leah and that realization has made her very sad. There were times that she had caught him receiving calls outside their home and when she walks up to him suddenly, he usually has guilt written all over his face. Let me chip it in here that throughout his relationship with Leah, he never slept with her, yes! He is from a familywith strong moral values that believe abstinence from sex before marriage is not negotiable.

Your Ex is your past; don’t empower it to trouble your present and future. Singles must be careful not to believe love is blind and then fail to notice any form of anomaly during their courtship, there are some things that need to be dealt with while courting. If you caress and pamper those things instead of addressing them, they will grow very strong and contend with you in marriage.

So he/she flirts with someone else while you are courting and you feel comfortable with it because he has fixed the wedding date between you two? You are playing with fire. An Ex is an old flame that has the power to start up a new fire of emotions in you if you refuse to create the necessary distance. If your fiancé/fiancée sees nothing wrong in telling ‘small’ lies now in courtship, marriage to him/her won’t stop that behavior. Some spinsters and bachelors need serious ‘overhauling’ of their behavior before they are fit for marriage.  Dear single sister, if you attracted him with your beauty, you will need good character to retain him. Parents, let’s train our kids well because an attractive lady without morals and manners will make a mess of her husband and home. A handsome man who has a problem zipping up will end up in disgrace. It is true that there is no perfect spouse but discipline is critical. Let your ex remain your ex; your spouse is too precious to be disturbed with a past that didn’t end well.

You really need to talk to someone? Talk to me via BB pin:29E55A9A

Forgive…but don’t forget

ImageIt is one thing to forgive someone who has hurt you badly in the past…it is another thing not to forget the lessons learnt from the incident so as not to fall victim again in the future. When I say ‘don’t forget’, I do not mean that you should keep putting the person that hurt you in the prison of your heart. I mean, you should glean and keep to your heart the lessons from the experience so that you will not repeat your mistakes and also be in a position to help other hurting people survive their hurts.

I decided to forgive my ex and that is why I no longer hurt when I remember the emotional trauma I went through in that relationship. Until you remember someone who had hurt you in the past and smile rather than curse, you are yet to forgive the person totally. It’s either you are still hurting or partially healed.

I did not forget the lessons I learnt from my ex and that is why I can easily reach out to a heartbroken fellow because I had been through what they are passing through. I needed to go through my own experience to be fully equipped to help someone who passes through a similar situation.

When my ex came to ask for another chance with me after messing up the various chances he had in the past, I quickly remembered the lessons I had learnt and told him there could be no other chance as he had used up all the chances. I discovered that patching up and continuing in that relationship was going to turn me into an emotional wreck because he has a ministry of breaking precious hearts like mine. The lessons I learnt coupled with the understanding I had from reading the Purpose Driven Life by bestselling author, Rick Warren; made me discover that there is a difference between forgiving someone who had broken your heart several times and then allowing them back again. It is the right thing to forgive but if s/he does not have a good track record of managing relationship, there is no point continuing in that relationship.

Healing from a hurt starts with forgiving the person that hurt you whether s/he deserves it or not. When you forgive, you are not doing that person a favor; rather you are lifting a heavy burden and baggage off your heart. The Lord’s prayer…..”Forgive us our trespass as we forgive those who trespass against us….” So your sins are not to be forgiven by God if you refuse to forgive who ever might have hurt you.

Oh, you say I don’t know your hurt, you have once been raped and I am asking you to forgive the rapist…oh you have once been robbed or cheated on and I am asking you to forgive your offender. Seriously, you need to forgive to make closed doors against your destiny open. That’s God’s candid advice and every commandment of God has blessings attached to it so you’ve got no choice my dear than to forgive.

Don’t forget the lessons learnt from the incident….if you were raped maybe because you dressed almost nude in the public, you must have learnt that decent dressing don’t attract rapists. If you have been jilted one time or the other, you must have known the signs to watch out from a playboy or a “Delilah”. God is Supernatural…he is the one that forgives and forgets our sins…we are humans (natural)…we should forgive those who hurt us but should not forget the lessons learnt from the experience in other to avoid being a bigger prey in the future and to be fully equipped to help likely victims around us. Your future is great. I value you. I look forward to answering your questions via BB PIN: 29E55A9A





ImageJude is a promising young guy; he is a first class graduate of Mass communications and he has lot of dreams for the future. One of his goals is to be a successful on air personality (OAP). Getting the right job however seems difficult as he has to be joggling between one to the other. One of the bright sides of his life is his fiancée, Judith. Her daily phone calls always make his day colorful and he always look forward to it. Judith has however changed a bit since some days back, she rarely pick when he calls and she always sound not too excited at the sound of Jude’s voice. He would have paid her a visit to know the reason for the sudden change in her attitude but she is miles away observing her National Youth service Corps (NYSC).

Jude got a call from one of the best radio station in town to come for an interview for the post of on air personality (OAP) and as he puts everything in place on the morning of the interview, he got a call from his beloved Judith. This must be a great luck for his interview, hearing from his wife-to-be. Judith announced to him right there on the phone that she’s no longer in love with him and that they should give their relationship a permanent break because she has moved on.

It was a rude shock for Jude but he has to put himself together for his interview. He will deal with the issue later. It wasn’t easy for him to get composed. His heart was divided, interview on his mind, heartbreak ripping him apart on the other hand. It was his turn to be interviewed, he sat in front of the panelists and was asked to do one thing…..”You are the radio host for a popular relationship program on air, can you please give a brief introduction to today’s episode of the program”…..that was the task.

And here’s Jude response to his test, “Earlier this morning, my girlfriend, best friend and lover broke our relationship of two beautiful years at a time I need her most in my life; I am here with a heavy heart yet I have you my audience waiting for me so I have brace up because life continues. Now I wonder how I can balance life with this heartbreak and other goals I need to accomplish. Today I want to hear your views about how you handled previous heartbreaks in your relationship, let’s learn from you. We also have a Relationship Coach in the house….I, your host Judah Best will be right back after the commercials…”

The panelists were ‘wowed’….he got the job on the spot with lot of mouth watering benefits. His life changed on the day he was jilted. Within six months, he was in high demand as MC and live show host even in higher institutions. It was one of these days that he received a call from Judith, she wants to come back into his life….. 

Jude really loved Judith and he still has feelings for her but she actually left him for someone else once…she left when he needed her most and now she wants to come back…. She is probably making a comeback because of his current status….

Our Ex is our past. It could also be a dirty habit we left, a pitfall we survived from or weakness we had overcome. Seriously, you are married but there is this old flame that used to know the password to set your body on fire…. Just a call from her and you are already undressing her in your mind…To make the matter worse, she is ready to go on a date with you. You’ve got to take control of the ‘lust’ least it lead you to an early grave. Lot of married people made a total mess of their beautiful future because they gave entrance to an Ex into their lives. Some attractions are for your destruction; so beware!


Stop having a hangover over an Ex who has nothing to offer than heartaches. He/she walked out because he/she believes you are not good enough. Don’t stay around someone who only tolerate you but never celebrates you. Jonah (in the bible) had to do away with his ‘over-sleeping’ habit before he could fulfill God’s purpose for his life. Dis-engage from anything that will weigh you down from advancing into the future. You may need to stop picking that call or probably delete that contact from your phonebook or blackberry. You may have to block that follower on twitter that keeps sending you nude pictures. You have the power to prevent yourself from sleeping on the laps of Delilah least you end up like Samson.

 I once dated a guy who could walk in any time of the day to declare that our relationship was over. Each time this happened, I would cry and become very devastated only for him to come back few weeks or days later begging on his knees that his life would be meaningless without me. Going by my love for him, I accept him back easily only for him to repeat his folly few weeks later. This went on and on, the more it repeats itself, the more I became an emotional wreck. In about our one year courtship,the relationship got ‘broken’ and ‘repaired’ like seven times until I said it was enough. I told him that although I have forgiven him but I have discovered that he is not emotionally matured to handle relationships for now least he makes a mess of my life. I told him I can no longer trust him with my heart because he has no good track records.

 Any man/woman that takes pleasure in making you cry is not worthy to have you. Let me put it this way, if your partner toys with your emotions, then s/he cannot be your spouse.

Seriously, if the ‘bad’ that you Ex has to offer outweighs the ‘good’….don’t open the door of your heart to him or her again. Add me on this BB PIN: 29E55A9A if you need someone to talk to. I value you!