What is Your Love Language?

Welcome to Emotions with Grace Festus. Today, I talk about, ask you a question, What is Your Love Language? In this premier episode, I try to define LOVE and went further to make you understand that you can’t love someone else the way he/she deserved to be loved if you don’t love yourself fully. I also gave some indicators that can help you identify your love language. Listen and enjoy!

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My Spouse’s Ex

ImageDavid’s parents never supported his relationship with Leah from day one. It took a lot of pressure, personal conviction and confirmation from God before David decided to put an end to their four years courtship. However, it was only in David’s heart that the relationship was over; he couldn’t face Leah to tell her. They were each other’s first love and he remembered promising her to always be there for her no matter what happens. David always found it difficult to hurt people’s feelings, especially those he loved dearly; but in this situation, it was so crystal clear that God wanted him to move on in life but definitely not with Leah.

Not so long after, he met Treasure whom he fell in love with. He loved almost everything about her. He took his time to ask her out and she gave her consent to their lives together. It was after Treasure gave a yes to his proposal that David told her about his ex; Leah, he told her that he did not end the relationship verbally with her but in due time she should discern his distance means he is no more interested. Treasure was not happy that he didn’t end it with his ex verbally but David re-assured her that there won’t be any issue.

In a short while, Leah found out and confronted David who confirmed that he had met somebody else.  Leah was so bitter she almost committed suicide, she reminded David of his endless promises to her. David begged her and promised to still remain her friend. To fulfill his promise, she mandated him to call her everyday until she gets over the whole trauma. He promised he will and also told his fiancée; Treasure, about it all. Treasure felt there was no big deal in the daily call to Leah since it was for her to get over her broken relationship with David.

David and Treasure are now married; Treasure discovered her husband still calls Leah and that realization has made her very sad. There were times that she had caught him receiving calls outside their home and when she walks up to him suddenly, he usually has guilt written all over his face. Let me chip it in here that throughout his relationship with Leah, he never slept with her, yes! He is from a familywith strong moral values that believe abstinence from sex before marriage is not negotiable.

Your Ex is your past; don’t empower it to trouble your present and future. Singles must be careful not to believe love is blind and then fail to notice any form of anomaly during their courtship, there are some things that need to be dealt with while courting. If you caress and pamper those things instead of addressing them, they will grow very strong and contend with you in marriage.

So he/she flirts with someone else while you are courting and you feel comfortable with it because he has fixed the wedding date between you two? You are playing with fire. An Ex is an old flame that has the power to start up a new fire of emotions in you if you refuse to create the necessary distance. If your fiancé/fiancée sees nothing wrong in telling ‘small’ lies now in courtship, marriage to him/her won’t stop that behavior. Some spinsters and bachelors need serious ‘overhauling’ of their behavior before they are fit for marriage.  Dear single sister, if you attracted him with your beauty, you will need good character to retain him. Parents, let’s train our kids well because an attractive lady without morals and manners will make a mess of her husband and home. A handsome man who has a problem zipping up will end up in disgrace. It is true that there is no perfect spouse but discipline is critical. Let your ex remain your ex; your spouse is too precious to be disturbed with a past that didn’t end well.

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When last did we talk?

ImagePhilip and Paula are lovebirds, they’ve been married for some years and they have had things going well for them. Their careers keep getting better year after year. The more it gets better the more time it steals from their relationship. It got to a point that communication between both of them became badly affected because they hardly had time to sit together, chat, stroll and look into each other’s eyes like they used to do.

 

Not too long, Philip stumbled on a text message on his wife’s phone that showed she has been in constant emotional talks with someone of the opposite sex. He was dumbfounded. What did he do wrong? Why would Paula pay him back this way despite how he has been devoted to her? He confronted her and she denied having any sexual relations with her friend but it was so evident that she was too close to this guy; he seemed to know all the things happening to her in recent times which her husband did not know.  

 

I know of some couples who do not joke with date nights or nights out with each other, they make it a point of duty to observe it regularly or once a month; because they know that it helps them to connect strongly with one another as it fans the flame of intimacy between them. You always have a way of creating quality time for someone you value so much no matter how tight your schedule is.

 

It is so important that you call your spouse regularly just to express how much you care and value him/her. Learn to send romantic messages to your spouse at work; it helps to reduce the weight of pressure he/she may be facing. Don’t underestimate the power of an emotional message. Words are powerful; they can make or mar our moods. 

 

Some couples may find it so hard to eat dinner together because they arrive home at different times; however, praying together before bed time is not negotiable. Don’t trade it for anything. Praying couples win together. Try as much as possible to avoid arguments and if they occur, don’t go to bed at night without resolving them. You both form a strong team; successful teammates don’t fight one another, rather they celebrate and watch each other’s back wildly.

 

When last did you have deep communication? I mean when last did you express your profound feelings for each other without uttering any words? When last did you make love? It may be possible that in between your tight schedules you both tried to have sex, but did you create time for real love making? Don’t get so busy that you do not have enough time to enjoy your spouse at this deepest level.

 

I will strongly advice that your spouse should be your best friend. This helps both of you to keep bonding despite the pressures you face daily. You start building bridges between you and your spouse when you keep secrets from one another. Don’t fall for the snare of the enemy, protect your love-life and preserve your relationship. Don’t throw away that beautiful thing going on for you as a result of your carelessness and negligence. Learn to be selfless in your relationship to others most especially to your spouse. Whatever happens to your spouse affects you either directly or indirectly so why take the risk of being careless. Believe it or not, your spouse is your life. He/she is your fellow pilgrim in this journey of life, how you treat him/her will determine whether you will enjoy or endure the journey.

 

It is pertinent that we know that our relationship needs maintenance the same way we care for our fixed assets. A relationship you neglect will suffer. You have the power to make your relationship what you want it to be. Don’t gamble with your love-life. A lot of people are social media savvy at the expense of the emotional wealth of their relationship. Don’t be a social media celebrity/guru at the expense of your home. A sage once said, “it is better to be phoneless than to be homeless” (Roger that). A man/woman is truly wealthy if he/she is healthy emotionally.

 

If your spouse will have to clamor and struggle always in order to spend quality time alone with you, especially for bonding….watch it…your communication network is weak and needs urgent attention(service). For a woman, real intimacy starts with talk. Create time to listen to her ‘spoken’ and ‘silent’ words. 

 

So let me ask you, “When last did you talk with your spouse?” You may need to relearn how to talk not only with your mouth but also with your eyes, hands and your whole body. Your spouse’s body language is critical here if you don’t want to lose his/her heart. Re-connect with your spouse now, make that call to him/her, and send that love message, book a date night for both of you. It is well with you.

 

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Love is not enough

ImageFranca is on her way to the hospital, this is the fifth time in three months that her precious daughter, Frances is battling with health crisis. She has sickle cell anaemia and each time she goes through a crisis, her mum, Franca, is always filled with grief and heartache knowing it was something she and her spouse could have avoided. Now her daughter will have to miss her school exams again this term on health grounds. The agony and pain her daughter goes through each time is indescribable.

I lost a bright and brilliant cousin when he was 21 years old to sickle cell anaemia. My beautiful Biology teacher in the college also died at age 39 to the same ailment. As if that was not enough, one of my close friends in college passed away while we were getting ready for our final year due to the same ailment. Ever since then, I have taken time to know what genotype is all about and how it affects the kids one give birth to. 

Why would you with genotype AS decide to marry someone with AS or SS when you know that there is a very high tendency for up to 3 out of 4 of your kids to end up with genotype SS? “Sickle-cell disease (SCD) or sickle-cell anaemia (SCA) or drepanocytosis, is a hereditary blood disorder, characterized by red blood cells that assume an abnormal, rigid, sickle shape. Life expectancy for someone with this disease is short. The term disease is applied because the inherited abnormality causes a pathological condition that can lead to death and severe complications. “(Source: Internet)

Wait, I have strong faith in the miracle working power of God and I preach it always. However, the bible advises that you do not dare such life threatening venture if your faith is not as big as the minute mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20)

I know two Medical Doctors who were in love and planned to get married but the lady declined when she discovered her future spouse and herself were both of genotype AS. She had seen patients, especially kids, go through untold pain and life threatening moments because of their genotype and so she did not want to bring kids to this world who would suffer the same fate. Her fiancé who is a strong believer in miracles told her his own genotype could change to AA before they get married. She told him to go and pray for the change to happen first and then he can come back after the change to propose to her again.

The man took it as a big challenge and prayed to God. His genotype did change to AA. His fiancée had to take the result to not less than three laboratories to confirm the change before she believed. Today they are both married and all their kids are healthy. Do not tell me love is blind. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. Do not make decisions that will make your kids curse you tomorrow. Why birth kids to subject them to regular pain and torture? In your counseling session before marriage, medical tests and advice also count. No knowledge is useless.

Love is beautiful but marry for reasons stronger than the feelings that give you sleepless nights if you have not heard from him/her. Marry for reasons that will make you both stay together even when you do not feel those butterflies in your stomach again. Marry for reasons that will make both of you stick together through thick and thin.

A lot of marriages in the western world crash when the feelings are gone; marriages that last are beyond feelings, they have strong pillars built on values, virtues and vows. It takes dogged commitment for anything to last. It takes more than “I’m in love” to keep a relationship together forever. It is the festive period, a lot of people will meet and claim to be in love when they mingle at recreational centers and holiday spots. Be wise, be careful, do not let your mind and head go to sleep when you are in love lest you get tied down to lust thinking it is love. Let us do it again in 2014. Thanks for staying with me in 2013 and especially for voting for this blog; we won the Best Relationship Blog Award (Judges’ Choice) from Nigerian Blog Awards 2013; your vote pulled it through for us. I value you greatly.

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Much ado about sex in marriage

ImageHave you ever wondered why a sexually eager spouse is married to someone who is not too excited about sex? Do you know a couple or couples who are about to give up on their marriage because of sex issues? Tell them to hang on and read up this piece before making any serious decision.

Myles Munroe, in his book, The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage has this to say: Marriage involves commitment. Sex has very little to do with commitment; it is a 100-percent physical response to physiological and biochemical stimuli. Sex is one expression of commitment in marriage, but it never creates commitment. By itself, sex neither makes nor breaks a marriage. Marriage is broader and deeper than sex, and transcends it. Marriage is perhaps one percent sex; the rest is ordinary, everyday life. If you marry for sex, how are you going to handle the other 99 percent?

In case you don’t agree with Myles Munroe that the importance of sex in marriage is as low as one percent, let us raise the bar to five percent. If then marriage is five percent sex, how will you handle the remaining ninety-five percent of what marriage entails if you marry because of sex. I always tell singles that if your inability to control your sexual urge is the main reason why you decide to marry, then you have gotten wrong the whole concept of marriage. This is because your spouse will not be available 24/7 to satisfy your sexual cravings. Work or occasion may cause you to drift apart for a short while, so ‘if you no fit hold body’ or learn how to control your sexual cravings, you may likely ‘screw up’ in marriage.

You deserve thumbs up and a pat on the back if you are married and you are on the same page sexually with your spouse. That means you largely do not have issues when it comes to satisfying each other’s sexual cravings. On the other hand, if you are married to someone who seems not to be excited about sex or ready for sex when you are ‘in the mood’, then we need to talk.

I want to believe that you loved your spouse so much before walking down the aisle with him/her, so what happened? Why have you drifted from being great lovers to just friends? Sex is a deep, sweet communication between a man and his wife; it is only healthy in marriage. That seriously means if a married couple do not find time to make love often, they will drift apart emotionally. Sex helps couples connect at the deepest level beyond description, covenant between married couples are always renewed each time they make love.

You can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, but you can only make love to someone you adore, cherish, respect and feel so deeply in love with. So one of the reasons why your sex life is dragging may be that you have fallen out of love with your spouse. Sometimes, this is possible if you are distracted by someone else who appeals so much to you that you do not mind sharing your deepest intimate moments with; you may be transferring all the emotions that need to be bestowed on your spouse to your new ‘catch’.

What if your husband wants a change in your body shape or size? Please make a conscious effort to work on it because men are easily aroused by what they see. A woman on the other hand needs her emotions and feelings to be fed always with attention and care. A woman you do not connect with emotionally may disconnect sexually.

Now if two sexually eager partners get married as a couple and they enjoy sex a whole lot, they may engage in sex so much that other areas of their marriage that need their attention begin to suffer or lag. On the other hand, if the man and his wife are both not interested in sex, they may do without it for a long time and this will invariably affect their emotional connection and communication; they may stop being lovers and drift to just being friends.  

Marriage needs maintenance, so does your sex life. Therefore, if your partner is less interested in sex, you are in the best position to motivate him/her or learn how to get him/her in the mood. Love him/her the way he/she wants to be loved. Knowing his/her love languages will go a long way. You both will need to talk about it and be honest with one another. This is why I encourage couples to do self-assessment with each other as often as possible to ascertain the healthiness or otherwise of their relationship. In some instances, for example when talking about it is yielding no result, or when you are not making progress while working at it, you may need to book an appointment with a certified sex therapist.

God encourages that you enjoy the wife of your youth. You are not permitted to stop loving that spouse of yours after saying “Yes I do”. It is well with your marriage. I value you greatly.

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Who stole my Virginity?

It was just a kiss, I swear and I never meant to give away my most treasured virtue…my emotions got the better of me, I responded to every touch and advance he showed me and before I knew it….I had passed the stage of no return. I gave myself to him, and in just few minutes I lost my innocence…Ruby sobs as she took the inventory of her affair with Rolex.

A lot of young girls have lost their innocence on the platform of deceit, rape, abuse and inordinate affections. Our young ones have lost their innocence to pornography, masturbation, lesbianism and all sorts of sexual atrocities. Most parents have in the name of making extra income for the family left their first duty to their kids, moral training. Kids now have to learn about almost everything from films, peers and internet. Guardians, uncles and aunts have made preys out of their nieces and nephews, polluting their minds and bodies with sexual thoughts, materials and acts.

My dear damsel, do not raise alarm that you are raped if you decide to dress half-naked on the streets. Do not lodge a complaint of sexual assault if all you do is wear very tight attires that exposes all your “natural endowments”. Before we crucify that guy for abusing you sexually, we have to first find out what you wore that aroused him.

And to you, dear Youngman, I understand the fact that you masturbate to express your feelings or the emotions going on in your body …and did it really make you feel better or it has now become an addiction? Pornography has become your hobby…oh; it’s a secret hobby that you hide from everyone. You were actually not like this some time ago, you were a gentleman that every parents would be proud of and would want their kids to emulate, so the question is, who took your innocence away? What made you go wild? When did you disconnect from God?

You have actually planned to wait till you find the right mate and never to mess up with any girl…but looking at your scorecard now…you really have messed up big time with lot of girls…jilting and abusing most of them….hmmmm…God is watching you. Have you ever heard the phrase…”flee fornication”? Your maker, God, actually commanded you to run away from anything that will pollute and abuse your body. You simply can’t withstand anything in skirts….you have really gone wild and lost control. Why have you allowed yourself to be so influenced by what you know only leads to destruction?
Dear beloved husband, you were not like this when you first got married. In fact, you were the dream of every young bride then, caring, loving and God-fearing; but now, you have become the lion of the tribe of your house. You now live as the dictator at home, we know you are the head of the house but a great leader influences with love by laying good example. You should have known that something has gone wrong when you had to start forcing your wife to obey you. Where have you missed it? What kind of men are your friends; the ones that beat their wives? Oh come off it, the company you keep have a long way in affecting your behavior and belief. I also heard you now have a mistress who explores with you. So you have forgotten the wife of your youth? Strange women only help men to dig early graves, they make demands that your own wife dare not ask you. Why did you decide to go astray? Why did you decide to break God’s heart? You have lost your innocence and hardened your heart; re-trace your steps back home as God is waiting for you just as He did for the prodigal son.

Dear precious wife, it is good to hear that you now earn a fat salary, at least you can help your spouse out with the family finance; but wait, is it true that you have allowed pride to set in. I find it hard to believe that you no longer respect your husband because you feel you too have arrived. Do not pay evil with evil, even if he has once offended you, you do not have to take back your own pound of flesh. Love does not do that, and you can’t make him feel sorry for the wrong he has done to you by paying him back with wrong. You used to be the sweet, gentle, loving and respectful wife….where has your innocence gone? Why did you allow your friends or films influence you negatively? Who stole your innocence? Do an inventory of your life, re-trace your steps and go back to God…

Jilted…but not defeated

Pretty young woman with arms raised

Most of us have been through different kinds of abusive relationships yet we stay put in the relationship hoping our partner will change after marriage. That exactly is where we go wrong. If s/he cannot change the bad attitudes now it will take a miracle for the change to happen after marriage. This is because we display our best attitudes during courtship just to win our lover’s heart only to relax when we are married. In this edition, I will be discussing the prevalent kinds of abuse people go through in relationships. They are emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse.

 

I was once a victim of emotional abuse. I once dated a guy who could walk in any time of the day to declare that our relationship was over. Each time this happened, I would cry and become very devastated only for him to come back few weeks or days later begging on his knees that his life would be meaningless without me. Going by my love for him, I accept him back easily only for him to repeat his folly few weeks later. This went on and on, the more it repeats itself, the more I became an emotional wreck. In about our one year courtship, I had the relationship ‘broken’ and ‘repaired’ like seven times until I said it was enough. Any man/woman that takes pleasure in making you cry is not worthy to have you. Let me put it this way, if your partner toys with your emotions, then s/he cannot be your spouse. Free yourself before you tie the knot. Remove his/her spell on you before you walk down that aisle. Some supposed lovers will date their partners, use and dump them after promising heaven and earth. Those are the people I call heartbreakers, ‘human-abusers’ and ‘jilters’. No matter the pain you have gone through in the past; do not let it be your end because it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. For surely, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Have you ever been through verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is when you are always put down through utterances and words. If insults, destructive criticisms and words that hurt someone’s self esteem are usually used on you, then it means you are being subjected to verbal abuse from your attacker. The worse is when such person is your lover/partner. Such person make you feel inferior before his/her friends, colleagues, family and well wishers. If you are in a relationship with that kind of a person, then you are in a destructive relationship. Such a relationship will not allow you to be your best. It will only discourage you from discovering and using your potentials. Your fiancé/fiancée should see you as a blessing and not an excess baggage, anything short of this is not worth it.

 

Rape, incest, sexual assault, prostitution, lesbianism, homosexuality to mention a few are forms of sexual abuse. Sex is designed to be enjoyed between a married man and his wife, anything otherwise is perverse and has consequence. I put it to you that virginity is still a virtue, fornication remains a capital sin. Times may change but foundational principles behind humanity remains unchanged. Save yourself from everlasting guilt and sexually transmitted disease, abstinence from sex is the key if you are yet to marry. For those who were raped or taken advantage of forcefully, there is hope. Don’t live in the pain of the past, seek professional help, go for counselling, and talk to someone who can help you overcome the stigma.  You do have a great future and it is possible to end up marrying someone who will value you and treat you with royalty just as you were created to be.

 

Anyone that takes pleasure in inflicting physical pain on you through beating or hitting you with hard objects is subjecting you to physical abuse. Some ladies have become slaves in the hands of their ‘macho’ fiancé. They are being molested and hit with hard objects most times for every mistake they do. Some even harm their partners for mere suspicion because they are possessive. If the guy keeps beating you now while you are still courting, he will likely kill and bury you secretly after marrying you. There are some ladies too who are good   in slapping the men in their lives, this is nothing but perversion of the highest order. True love cares; it does not inflict injury on someone. Set yourself free now from that destructive relationship before you lose your life. A word is enough for the wise.

 

For all those who have been jilted one time or the other, it is not the end of life, do not commit suicide. That s/he walks out of your life means you deserve someone better. Don’t give up on life, you will love again and you will be happy!