Start Better Afresh

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Leah (not her real name) shared her story on my Twitter Platform some months back when I invited her to facilitate. It was #WhenSinglesgather and she shared how she fell in love at her early twenties to someone her parents would not approve of. But damn it she was in love, expecting a child and nothing could change that…. she had a heart to heart talk with her ‘bobo’ and decided to elope.

She started facing reality when she eloped, her guy started abusing her after the birth of the first child but she was determined to win the love of her man back. She felt the man must be misbehaving because of the pressure of being a father.
The abuse however didn’t stop and she didn’t leave. She had the second child in the midst of abuse. It got to a time that she knew that if she didn’t leave the relationship she would die; after all it is mere co-habitation.

That was how she walked away with two kids in other to stay alive. The first thought would be who will marry her with two kids?
Today she has a new child who is one year plus, got married to the father of the child about three years ago. Her husband happened to be a handsome man who has never been married before. Great things have happened to her, she wrote a book to chronicle her story, which became an Amazon Best Seller; all just because she dared to START BETTER AFRESH.

Ayo, my good friend is a Public Speaker, he met Ebun and they started a beautiful relationship. They both loved the Lord and believe in sexual purity. They of course represent a power couple because they form a formidable team. Few months into their relationship, they wanted to be sure if they would eventually head to the altar. They went for a genotype test. The result of the test shattered their hearts. It showed that they are both AS and they know the implications. They wouldn’t want to have children that will constantly be in pain, children with sickle cell anaemia.

Ayo had the faith that his own genotype could change if he believes and trust God enough; after all he had seen it happen to one of his friends. Ebun however had lost hope on all that, she still loves Ayo but couldn’t go through the risk. One of the most difficult things to do for Ayo was to let her go. Not too long Ebun met another amazing man who happens to be AA, she liked him and told Ayo about the new found man. Ayo gave her his blessings. She got married early this year.

We were so concerned for Ayo, we knew he was happy for Ebun but we also knew he was hurting terribly for not marrying Ebun. I made it a point of duty to keep him in my prayers.
Today, Ayo is engaged to a great woman who shares similar vision with him. They will be walking down the aisle soon; this is because he decided to START AFRESH BETTER.

Now let me share some points with you if you resonate with any of the story above or if you need to start afresh better in any area of your life. Have you been through divorce or know anyone who did? This piece is a good read for him or her.

1. Acknowledge that the previous relationship ended.

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2. Do not blame yourself for whatever was beyond your control in the previous relationship. Sometimes we lose something-good to get something-great.

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3. Cry if that will make you better. Don’t bottle your emotions. Find someone trust-worthy who you can talk to, to make you feel better. Tears are therapeutic; sometimes it is what you need at the moment to get going.

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4. Determine not to make your life come to a standstill all just because your relationship ended.

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5. Glean all the lessons possible from previous relationship. Learn from the mistakes you made (if you made any) so you won’t repeat them in future.

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6. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you committed and forgive your ex if he or she has hurt you in anyway. He/she may have taken advantage of you in the past; you need to forgive before you can start better afresh.

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7. Give yourself time to heal. In case your ex hurt you, you have to grow up emotionally to an extent that you won’t feel bitterness when you remember him or her, until then you are yet to heal. See; don’t be in hurry to start off another relationship when you are still in pains of the past relationship. This will only bring further pains to your new relationship.

This is what I mean. You will unconsciously do transfer aggression to your new partner of the wounds you are still suffering from. This of course will be an unfair treatment on your new partner because he/she will be suffering from injury caused to you by your ex.

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8. Seek closure. If it takes too long for you to heal totally from the hurt of the previous relationship, I suggest you seek the help of a professional relationship counsellor. It is okay to mourn a sweet relationship turned sour but if after six months you still hurt so badly as if the hurt is fresh….please seek help as urgent as possible.

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9. Get a relationship vision board.
This is a pictorial representation of your dream relationship. Cut out pictures of couples you admire from magazines and internet and paste them on your vision board or cardboard and paste them on the wall of your room where you can always see them.

You can cut out pictures of couples on honeymoon, vacation, date nights and paste them on your vision board where you can always see them. See them, believe them and command them into reality.

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10. Get a relationship Affirmation.
Affirmations are powerful. Words are powerful and they can create great things out of nothing.
Write out what you desire for your relationship.
Below is an example of Affirmation written by a client after the session she had with me:
Affirmation:
This month I attract my better half
A man who loves me just as Christ loves the church
I attract a faithful man, a man who loves God and is ready to work for and with Him. I attract a man whose genotype is AA, who is patient with me and corrects me in love;
a man who is very much in love with me.
He is filled with my love. I attract a man who finds me attractive than any other lady in the world. He cares for me; he stays successful in every area of life.
We are building a great home together. Together we are fruitful and give birth to wonderful kids. I attract a man who is hard working, who motivates me, support my dreams and career. I attract a man who values my opinion even as we build our home together. I attract a man who never raises his hands to hit me or abuse me verbally. This and many more happen to me naturally and with ease. Amen!

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As a man, you can edit it and coin it to suit you. You need to be consistent with reciting the affirmation and believe it strongly.

11. Always improve yourself.
I mean go for self improvement. Don’t remain the way you were when your old relationship ended and expect to attract someone better than your ex with the same old you. Grow yourself, build yourself and stretch yourself.

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Challenge yourself to a better you. Would you be attracted to you if you were someone of the opposite sex? Always ask yourself that.

Lastly: Dress for a new beginning.

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Dress like a Princess if you want to attract the Prince. Stop dressing like your past relationship. You can start better afresh, you can start NOW. Yes you can!

Don’t blame the divorced

Wait till you finish reading this before you’re justified to raise an eyebrow …..…
Don’t condemn the title of this article until you’re through reading this piece. Don’t make any conclusion until you have gone through all that is written here.

Would you have encouraged a woman who is constantly subjected to physical and emotional torture by her spouse to stay put in that marriage till she is beaten to death?
Would you advice someone whose spouse is an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress to stay forever in the marriage until she/he contacts STD? Even the Bible approves divorce on the ground of infidelity because infidelity breaks the covenant of marriage. It is not everyone that is graced like Prophet Hosea to wait on his harlot wife till she repents.

Today as I sit to write, I remember a dear cousin I lost a few years ago at her mid-thirties. She died leaving her young daughter and the son of her teenage years. We knew she had issues in the home front; her husband was ‘a man of war’ at home. At one time in the early days of her marriage she was diagnosed with high blood pressure after ‘a shouting match’ with her husband, which left her almost collapsing. Anyone who would have suggested divorce or temporary separation from her husband at that time would have been tagged ‘enemy of progress’ but we all know better now. She one day collapsed on her way from her work as a result of a heart attack which I knew couldn’t be separated from the war at home.

It is not safe to be living with a spouse whose sanity is not certain. Any spouse that doesn’t see anything wrong in making his/her partner cry or sad, needs a mental and marital checkup. If your spouse’s happiness no longer matters to you, you are no longer normal; ‘mehn….’, seek for help.
Some men/women are meant to emulate Apostle Paul and not get married. See, my guy; it is not compulsory to get married. If you cannot love your spouse unconditionally just as God has laid it down, don’t marry, period! It is miserable to get married and be wishing to be single all over again.

Dear friend, before you blame the divorced, listen to their stories. I usually advise singles to delete divorce from their dictionary and replace it with ‘unlimited forgiveness’ once they get married but the advice is for singles who marry right. You can’t follow God’s leading to the letter while choosing your life partner and marry wrongly. God is the best match maker. Go ask Ruth and Boaz. God’s calculation enables us marry our better half; what manipulation does is to merge Samson and Delilah together.

If God can overlook Ruth’s past and still find her suitable to be in the lineage of Jesus, if He decided to forgive Bathsheba and still crowned her son as the next king of Israel after David, tell me who are you to judge and blame a divorcee whom God has empowered to love and re-marry? A lot of people have made mistakes in ignorance and have found themselves in circumstances beyond their control because no human is perfect. The good news however is that we have a perfect God who specializes in making perfect our imperfections.

You should feel bad for someone who once loved but promised not to love again because of his/her past experience. You should however be happy for one who has taken a bold step to love again despite an ugly past or failed marriage. May our relationships be better each day and may we experience heaven on earth in our marriages. Amen!

{Credits to WINNIE MULTIMEDIA STUDIO BB Pin: 22A92266 for the photograph. Thanks to @iamdayosamuel for the graphics on the displayed picture}

Divorce?…Not Me!

ImageIt is so disheartening to see how great marriages we envy crash these days like a house of cards. Divorce has now become a cancer eating deep into the fabrics of beautiful homes and one begins to wonder if there is hope for the institution of marriage. Without any doubt there is still hope for the great institution of marriage but one of the ways to tackle the divorce issue is to identify some of the causes of seemingly irreparable damage in marriages which leads to divorces a lot of times.

 

  Now let me share with you a few reasons why marriages fail… 

INFIDELITY: – It is not easy to bear the betrayal and hurt of a cheating spouse. It takes a broken and healed soul to forgive a spouse who indulges in extra marital affairs. The union may not last if one of the spouses is an unrepentant cheat who cannot stop having illicit affairs, though he/she may beg for forgiveness each time he/she is caught with someone else. It is even more heartbreaking if the cheat is indulging in a same sex (gay) relationship. The betrayed partner in most cases may never recover from the shock and thus the relationship may collapse like a house of cards. 

A marriage may come to an end if there is a NO SEX situation. This could be as a result of a spouse being obsessed with pornography and masturbation so he/she no longer derives pleasure in real sex, thus he/she commits EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY because all the emotions that such a person is supposed to bestow on his/her spouse is being invested on addictive behaviors like pornography, drinking, womanizing, gambling, masturbation and more. In this kind of situation, the betrayed spouse may go through EMOTIONAL NEGLECT which will cause the couple to drift apart emotionally, though they may still share the same bed. At this point, they are no longer soul mates but mere bed mates.

POOR COMMUNICATION make couples disconnect with time and this may sometimes be because of LONG SEPARATION. Some great couples have lost their homes as a result of distance created in pursuit of jobs/career/contracts that keep them away from each other for too long. In some cases communication breakdown is a result of misunderstanding, immaturity, different backgrounds (upbringing and culture), irreconcilable differences, refusing to offer forgiveness for a wrong committed or choosing not to overlook a character flaw.

FINANCIAL CONFLICT can end a relationship easily. In the economy we are in today, it is not even enough for the man only to be gainfully employed, his wife must have what she is bringing to the table no matter how little, that is when she is a good helpmeet. If a woman’s financial needs cannot be met by her husband for a long time without a ray of hope of when things will change for better, she may leave the man without a blink of an eye. 

A relationship that is devoid of AFFECTION and APPRECIATION will end up in frustration. Human beings are created to stay around those who appreciate and celebrate them even for the little things they do. When this is lacking at home, they tend to seek it somewhere else and hover over anyone that cares to feed them with it.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE ends a marriage quickly. It is even advisable that the abused partner seek urgent help lest the marriage ends his/her life. Abuse is a terrible thing to experience because it deprives the victim of joy, comfort and happiness and in return inflicts untold pain (emotional and physical) on him/her. 

When people with low self-esteem or unhealthy values get married to each other, there is a temptation for them to want to compete with one another instead of complete each other, so untamed EGO, PRIDE, AND INSUBORDINATION towards one another will erode the beauty of companionship and partnership in marriage. The competition between them becomes unhealthy and could cause divorce if not checked on time.

 

Divorce can be a thing of the past in our society if we CHANGE OUR VIEW ABOUT MARRIAGE: Couples need to learn to view themselves as imperfect souls coming from different cultural backgrounds with different upbringing, so they must learn to exercise patience, perseverance and tolerance by accommodating and managing each other’s uniqueness and peculiarities. Forgiveness is golden and must be imbibed by couples who wish to stay together forever. 

We also need to imbibe MORALS, VALUES AND VIRTUES: Each home must have these and must stay true to them. They guide one’s steps even when faced with sexual temptations.

Sometimes what we need is PROFESSIONAL HELP: Couples need to know that the same way they tell a medical doctor about their ailments is the same way they need to talk to a marriage counselor about their marital issues, especially when things seem to be going out of hand.

Don’t joke with TIME OUT WITH ONE ANOTHER: Marital vows are strong and binding. We should not just say our marital vows with our lips alone, we should recite them with our heart and re-visit them regularly to check whether we are still standing by them. Couples should always take time out despite their busy schedules to get away and spend time together without the kids. They should assess each other to know whether they are better lovers or whether they have drifted apart to become just friends.

Above all, we must NEVER LEAVE GOD OUT OF THE EQUATION: Marriage is a three cord between God, man and his wife. Just the same way you cannot operate a device well without consulting the manufacturer’s manual, we need God’s manual on marriage to make our marriage work. We must be ready to obey His precepts concerning marriage since marriage is His divine idea.

Do you need a listening ear? Reach out to me on BBM: 29E55A9A

The theory of the missing rib

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I remember that almost every subject I was taught in college have one or more theories backing it up. Going through the greatest wise book I discovered that the subject of marriage is not exempted too. Amidst the theories on which marriage is based is the theory of the missing rib. This was propounded in Genesis 2:22 – 23 which says” And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, He made a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said this is now bone of my bones….”

Let me start by telling you that the theory of the missing rib is real. The woman was specifically created to complete the man. Yes, man enjoyed God’s presence and companionship in the Garden of Eden but there was a vacuum that needed to be filled in man’s life by someone who was made from him and that looks like him in another way; there comes the woman. That definitely means that for every Adam, there’s always “an” Eve. This also means you have the tendency to attract your type into your life. I love the way the Old King James version of the bible usually puts it “And this begets this”…. You have the ability to attract your quality in person.  So whoever you have in your life now is the person your quality was able to attract, so dear, don’t blame your partner alone for how things turn out to be in your relationship. It therefore means if you are not currently proud of your relationship, you will need to improve on yourself to be a better person, the better YOU will in turn influence your spouse positively. Divorce is not the way-out, you are the way you. The improved YOU will improve your relationship; this also applies to other ramifications of life, don’t blame your colleagues for bad situations at work or business place until you have first checked yourself and improve yourself to make the situation better. You must check out for the dirt in your eye before you are qualified to point out the dirt in your neighbor’s eye.

A trial and error method in choosing a spouse in the past only attracted Delilah to Samson’s life. Let me put it this way, God’s calculation helps bring your soul mate just as it happened to Adam while your manipulation only attracts Delilah. Oh I do remember that Eve gave her man the apple and this got them driven out of Eden, don’t blame God for that. Adam actually failed to groom his bride and that was the outcome. There is the ‘husband-wife mentorship’ that Adam needed to take Eve through, am sure he got too busy to do the training for her or probably postponed it to another time; and that got too late.  What you teach your wife will reflect in her lifestyle. I hope you remember Ananias and Sapphira in the books of Acts of Apostles chapter 5 (Holy Bible); the guy also failed to mentor his wife rightly. I am so sure he had handed over the steering wheel of the home to his wife because his wife was so bold delivering the ‘lie speech’ she has rehearsed to Apostle Peter. I am sure she gave her husband the suggestions of how the plan would go in concealing the actual facts of their land sales. Of a truth, birds of same feather flock together, great people think alike so also average and poor minded people. It therefore means that if you want to get married to a king, you must be a queen yourself. Live it, cultivate it and dream it till it comes to manifestation. What you don’t think and behave you cannot become.

To my married colleagues, do you know that wonders happen when couples pray together? So no matter your busy schedule always make it a point of duty to pray with your spouse because if one can chase a thousand, two will definitely chase ten thousands together, so says the Holy Scriptures. Great couples win together!

Caught pants down

Richards rolled over to the other side of the bed, touching his wife lightly on her arm. She has just returned from the ‘ladies’ and seems to have resumed her sleep. It’s just 2.00am and Richards seems not to be sleeping. Rose placed her other hand on his arm, signifying she’s still much awake. ‘Not yet asleep?’ he asked her. ‘I am about to doze off’I can’t sleep, am disturbed’, he replied. ‘Disturbed?’ she turned to face her husband of five years, a man she has come to love and adore. ‘Yes baby, there’s something I need to tell you….’ Both were silent for a while; before Rose decided to speak up ‘Is it about another woman?’ ‘Yes dear’… ’is the woman Linda?’ she asked trying to clear her suspicion. ‘Yes’, he sighed. ‘Did you sleep with her?’ There was another silence before he summoned up courage to talk. ‘Yes I did’. ‘Oh my God’, she sighed….

Tears refuse to come as she quickly sat up on the bed…’am so sorry dear, I know I have messed up but I really need you to help me out…it’s a temptation…I need you to help me come out of this mess..I need you…’ Richards broke down in tears. His wife couldn’t help this time but to cry too. She saw it coming. She suspected the early morning and late night calls from this so called Linda but her husband had always re-assured her that they were nothing to the calls. She had not met the girl but her spirit had always told her the girl had a mission. Only that she did not pray about it.  Oh God, how she had missed it, Richards was every woman’s dream, handsome, outspoken, social, independent and successful entrepreneur…why on earth could this happen to her.

‘Baby please, I need you to help me out of this mess’, Richards cried out again holding his wife. Rose pushed him away. She has been hurt…her heart broken and yes the marriage covenant has been tampered with. Where on earth did she miss it; Rose pondered. She had never denied him sex and even if she has to due to tiredness or any other reason, she had always made it up for him with an appointment. And yes, they were both virgins when they married, so he has been her first and vice versa. Why did he go for another woman? Oh God, and her family, friends and colleagues hold him in high esteem. Why did he let her down so shamefully?  She has to make up her mind on what to do; it is either she throw him the towel by walking out of the marriage or forgives him. How on earth can she ever forgive him after warning him of that same lady?

She stood from up from the bed, not knowing what to do next. Richards reached out again to her, as it was almost 3.00am in the morning. She was about to push away his hand again but before she could do that Richards was already on his knees pleading. ‘For love of God Rose, please don’t leave me, if you do I am finished’. The words were too heavy for her but the hurt was also too painful. She let down the tears…words are not adequate to express her hurt. Both of them have always been great advocate of unconditional love, their lives have been a model to lots of youths around them, so how will these people feel if she walks out of her marriage. And does she really want a divorce? Oh God… she had thought her husband was different and that he will never cheat on her but just few years into their marriage…he failed her.

Richards rose to his feet and embrace his wife. ‘you are the only woman I want to be with…I let down my guard and fell flat…it was a temptation and I fell for it…my conscience won’t let me be because you have been very faithful…please help me get back to my feet dear and I promise you that it will never happen again.’

Rose held on to him tightly as if her life depends on it….but the tears kept flowing because she couldn’t yet come to terms with the fact that he betrayed her trust…

Infidelity destroys trust…It breaks home…It shatters heart and bruises one’s emotions. It however can be forgiven.  That it can be forgiven is not a justification for it.  Why would you on a good day want to sleep with another man/woman other than your spouse? Marriage vows are sacred and must be treated as such. It is not a sin to be tempted but where we err is when we fall for the temptation.

Richard took a big step by confessing to his covenant partner that he had missed it. He took the right step…he did not wait for his spouse to discover it….he has a conscience that is not yet sealed. He felt so bad about the situation he found himself and he opened up to his woman. No matter how bad he may feel; the fact remains that he messed up big time.

Rose has a justification to divorce him because he breached the marriage contract (vow) by committing adultery, but divorce is not the solution. Richards pleaded…he has cried out for help….this is the first time he had ever done that… he deserves to be forgiven and given another chance. He may however need to go for counseling or talk to spiritual mentors who he is accountable to. He will need to work hard to earn his wife’s trust again. Infidelity is a serious crime in marriage and its consequences may be very bad depending on how well it is handled. Don’t just believe it can never happen to you, rather be accountable and open with your spouse. Let your spouse watch your back and do not let down your guard. Don’t be unnecessarily close to someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Once you are having strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, seek help on time. Your ability to control your emotions shows that you are matured. Don’t be a prey to the enemy. Don’t hurt your spouse; don’t pull down the lovely home you have built with your hands. Don’t subject your kids to untold heartache. “Drink waters out of your own cistern (of a pure marriage relationship), and fresh running waters out of your own well”– Holy Bible