Don’t blame the divorced

Wait till you finish reading this before you’re justified to raise an eyebrow …..…
Don’t condemn the title of this article until you’re through reading this piece. Don’t make any conclusion until you have gone through all that is written here.

Would you have encouraged a woman who is constantly subjected to physical and emotional torture by her spouse to stay put in that marriage till she is beaten to death?
Would you advice someone whose spouse is an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress to stay forever in the marriage until she/he contacts STD? Even the Bible approves divorce on the ground of infidelity because infidelity breaks the covenant of marriage. It is not everyone that is graced like Prophet Hosea to wait on his harlot wife till she repents.

Today as I sit to write, I remember a dear cousin I lost a few years ago at her mid-thirties. She died leaving her young daughter and the son of her teenage years. We knew she had issues in the home front; her husband was ‘a man of war’ at home. At one time in the early days of her marriage she was diagnosed with high blood pressure after ‘a shouting match’ with her husband, which left her almost collapsing. Anyone who would have suggested divorce or temporary separation from her husband at that time would have been tagged ‘enemy of progress’ but we all know better now. She one day collapsed on her way from her work as a result of a heart attack which I knew couldn’t be separated from the war at home.

It is not safe to be living with a spouse whose sanity is not certain. Any spouse that doesn’t see anything wrong in making his/her partner cry or sad, needs a mental and marital checkup. If your spouse’s happiness no longer matters to you, you are no longer normal; ‘mehn….’, seek for help.
Some men/women are meant to emulate Apostle Paul and not get married. See, my guy; it is not compulsory to get married. If you cannot love your spouse unconditionally just as God has laid it down, don’t marry, period! It is miserable to get married and be wishing to be single all over again.

Dear friend, before you blame the divorced, listen to their stories. I usually advise singles to delete divorce from their dictionary and replace it with ‘unlimited forgiveness’ once they get married but the advice is for singles who marry right. You can’t follow God’s leading to the letter while choosing your life partner and marry wrongly. God is the best match maker. Go ask Ruth and Boaz. God’s calculation enables us marry our better half; what manipulation does is to merge Samson and Delilah together.

If God can overlook Ruth’s past and still find her suitable to be in the lineage of Jesus, if He decided to forgive Bathsheba and still crowned her son as the next king of Israel after David, tell me who are you to judge and blame a divorcee whom God has empowered to love and re-marry? A lot of people have made mistakes in ignorance and have found themselves in circumstances beyond their control because no human is perfect. The good news however is that we have a perfect God who specializes in making perfect our imperfections.

You should feel bad for someone who once loved but promised not to love again because of his/her past experience. You should however be happy for one who has taken a bold step to love again despite an ugly past or failed marriage. May our relationships be better each day and may we experience heaven on earth in our marriages. Amen!

{Credits to WINNIE MULTIMEDIA STUDIO BB Pin: 22A92266 for the photograph. Thanks to @iamdayosamuel for the graphics on the displayed picture}

Abused…but not Shattered

ImageThis is a special dedication to every rape victim…

To everyone who has survived and healed from the scar of rape.

To every girl child that is still silent and still hurting…

To every lady whose wound is still very fresh and contemplating suicide as a way to end the trauma.

Just keep hanging on dear…God is trying to hold your hand…kindly reach out to Him and let Him help you through.

 

The wise book gives an account of Princess Tamar who was raped by her step-brother Prince Amnon. Due to this her royal apparel got replaced with ashes. Her self esteem got affected no wonder we did not read of any exploits of hers after that terrible incident.. It could be that she did not recover from the trauma and stigma.

 

I got the shock of my life some few days back when I read a broadcast of a 14 year old boy who raped at 2 year old girl to death. One begin to wonder the values and virtues that are being taught in our homes these days.

 

Jacob Jume was said to have taken advantage of his sick sister few minutes after the nurses and doctor on duty at the time had made their routine ward round and gone on break. According to Vanguard reports, the 30 year old victim was injected with a sedative and while she was partially incapacitated by the medication, her brother, Jacob allegedly raped her. This happened not too long ago in Benue State Nigeria.

 

I was watching CNN some days back and I saw a campaign and protest done in Kenya against rape because a lady has just been confined to a wheel chair as a result of gang rape; that broke my heart.

 

There are lot of people suffering silently, stigmatised and living in fear of what the public will say when they find out that they were once raped. The responses to my article DON’T TOUCH MY BODY which I wrote earlier this year which is centred on child abuse(rape) were alarming as some close allies of mine confessed to have gone through similar abuse. Same way, some many people around us are going through this and we seems to be less concerned.

 

If we decide today to be responsible for every girl child around us starting from our home, we will know when a sex predator is hovering around them. Let us try to be more sensitive despite our busy schedule, let’s hear the silent voices of the violated around us. Lot of girls, ladies and women are shrinking due to abuse from men they trusted so much. Not only must we be physically active, our spiritual alertness is also of paramount importance. Rape has gone beyond physical, the evil forces are capitalising on it to undress our babes of their royal apparel. It is only a survivor and a victor that bounces back to fulfil destiny like the few ones that are speaking out now.

 

Let’s embark on both spiritual and physical rally against rape. Let’s protect every girl child and lady as if they are our blood and treasure.

 

Do you think it is easy to convince a rape victim that sex between lovers/couple is “sweet” after all she has been through? Do you think a rape survivor can easily believe all men are not the same? Think on these…

 

Dear husband, the act of rape is forcing yourself on your woman to have sex with her. You married her, you had your style with which you wooed her to say yes to you, why can’t you use same love language or ‘taming’ method to make her sleep with you willingly?

 

For every rape victim still hurting, don’t give up on life yet. There is a beautiful story of your life about to be written; it’s the beginning of a glorious chapter. Don’t give up until you’ve looked up; it’s never too late until you become late.

 

If you’re still battling with the trauma of rape or you know someone who is still hurting or struggling with her self esteem because of this, link up with us so we can help you get the necessary help and connect you to great survivors of the ordeal. Don’t die in silence, it is not your end, it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. A campaign against rape has just taken a new dimension, we are not stopping until our girls, ladies and women are totally free to walk around without the fear of sexual harassment or abuse.

 

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Battered Bride

ImageRufus raise his fist for the second time and hit his wife at her right temple, she staggered and this time hit her head on the wall, she drifted downwards immediately and fell down flat. He made another effort to pounce on her on the floor but discovered that he was hitting a lifeless body. The ambulance was called in and Rita was rushed to the hospital, the fact however remains that Rufus had inflicted so much injury on her and she couldn’t survive ordeal. She died not fulfilling her days, she passed away without maximizing her potentials, and she died still full of treasures that would have blessed the world and countless lives.

A lot of women have become a punching bag in the hands of the men they love so much, this way they became shadow of themselves, living a life full of regrets because they found themselves in a great bondage of being brutalized regularly by the person they love, admire and respect. Kicks, slaps, blow and being hit on any part of the body has become a daily experience, this is so sad.

 God stipulates that no man should put asunder the couple He has joined together; He also instructed husbands to love their wives. (Ephesians 5:28). A man who loves his wife will never beat her and he who loves his wife loves his life. Now, the man and his wife are one flesh (one body) and it is impossible for someone to start beating himself when he is not mad. It therefore means that a man that beats his wife is not in his right senses and should see the psychiatrist immediately. A man can claim at times that his wife annoyed him by raising her voice and uttering abusive words. Every great man should know when to walk out when a hot argument seems to be in the pipeline. In fact, it is of great advice that man that cannot control his anger should not get married. If you know that you have an anger problem now, visit those who are masters in anger management and get help for yourself less you destroy yourself and your loved ones.

As a woman, it is good to love your man and still keep being around him despite the strife between you two. It is however very unwise to keep staying around any man who treats you like a boxing mate in the boxing bout. Beating up a woman in the name of correcting her is a blow below the belt and abuse of the highest order. In as much that divorce is not a wise and first option out, it is wise to keep away from him for safety or contact your family and friends who can give an immediate rescue less they wake up to find your corpse.

It is also very strange to hear that there are ‘husband beaters’ among our women who will lock the doors, sit on their husbands, beat them and at same time be the ones crying for help; wonders will never end. It is wrong to inflict pains on others not to talk of someone who is your flesh and blood.

For women going through different forms of abuse, reach out for help, there are organizations that shelter abused women who seek refuge from their abusive spouses for a while as the case is being looked into professionally; they also help handle legal issues as related to women abuse. One of such organization is PROJECT ALERT in Nigeria. You can reach out to them by checking them out via Google; the contacts through which you can reach them are available on their website. Don’t die in pains and in silence when you can live your life maximally. Reach out for help so that you can save your life and those of your loved ones. It is well with you. You can reach me on BB PIN: 25E9E245 if you have questions as relate to this.

 

 

Don’t touch my body too

ImageMy heart is touched at the great responses I received to the first part of this message; don’t touch my body and it is a confirmation that lot of kids close to us are either still being abused daily or are still struggling from the bruises sustained from previous abuse(s).

I am so concerned with the after effect of the abuse as many never get total healing from the hurts, bruises or damage done to their self esteem. This episode is to address the hurt, bruises and suggest helps that victims of sexual abuse can use.

A wise man once said, “A problem is half solved when it is shared.” Not every victim of sexual abuse will be rescued by an observant teacher as it happened in Princess’ case (refer to: DON’T TOUCH MY BODY…. http://t.co/bDTc45CoH5 on my blog); but many will get help if they can confide in a counselor or a mentor who can provide help and address the situation.

No matter the abuse you have been through, you need to understand that it hurts God to see you go through such ordeal and it breaks His heart to see you still struggling with the bruises of the maltreatment. Whatever might have happened to you in the past has not reduced your value because you are wonderfully and fearfully made. You are a master piece and nothing on earth can change that. It does happen that when you allow your heart to be defeated by what happened to you, you may think less of yourself and then your self esteem is affected. You are not inferior no matter what happened to you. It is only a passing phase of your life which will also pass. 

Can you begin to speak positively to your life? Wake up every day and look into the mirror, speak greatness to the person you see. Declare that; “I am great, I have a glorious future, I have a glorious destiny, I am original, I am a designer’s make, configured for the best. No matter what I have been through, God is going to see me through. The top is my place and I will get there.”

Friend, don’t just say those words, believe them, register them in your mind and live them. Whatever you think has a way of affecting your life. It is possible that you remember the ordeal at times, the scars may still be there but you have to refuse to live in your past. Whatever happened is in your yesterday and you need to de-register it from your ‘thinking system’ if you want to forge ahead. I love the tweets of @Kirkfranklin which reads: I’m so glad God doesn’t hold my past against me while he works on my future. #grace

He further ‘tweeted’: Matter of fact, He worked my future out before my past was even present! #moregrace.

Have you ever prayed to God about it? You need to because He cares. I Peter 5:7. He has a way of touching the wounded and broken hearts. Where psychologists and doctors fail, He prevails. He heals invincible wounds and scars, because He is the Creator, we call Him the Great Physician.

One thing you must also note is the people you share your past with. Be careful who you share your ordeal with, some friends are not equipped to help you pass through what you are experiencing, and they end up complicating the issue. They may sympathize with you and later turn to tale bearers behind you, so watch it. Only confide and seek counsel from able hands. 

That you were mal-handled by a man/woman does not mean every other person will treat you same way. There are good people who will treat you right and celebrate you. There are times that it may be necessary to leave the environment that reminds you of previous hurts and abuse; this is good for your mind and self esteem. 

More importantly, we are responsible for every child that is being abused around us, if we cannot do anything to help, there are authorities, non-governmental organizations and human right activists that will go to any extent to take care of the situation, report to them. Everyone has a part to play in sanitizing our environment; it begins with you and me.

 

 

 

 

Don’t touch my body

My heart is touched and greatly grieved as I witness the proceedings of the first case attended to in the court room. The plaintiff is a ten year old girl while the defendants are her mother and step father who had been abusing the little girl sexually for over ten months. The girl’s teacher who happens to be a great mother had noticed the girl’s movement has been with great difficulty; she called the girl to ask her if she had injury on her leg. She answered both yes and no at same with fear written all over her face, the teacher also noticed her bruised face and asked her about it. The girl was silent for a while.

The teacher knew something must be fishing; she held the girl close but the girl stiffened not welcoming her teacher’s embrace. The teacher, Mrs. Magdalene however assures the girl of no harm and within some few seconds she started feeling at ease. It was this time that the girl spoke, “Daddy will kill me if I tell anyone”. Mrs. Magdalene was shocked, how could a girl’s father threaten death to her on disclosure of facts. Upon enquiry, she got to know that the man was actually the girl’s step father or her mother’s boyfriend as they were not yet legally married. The man however has been abusing the girl sexually and beating her up every time she puts up resistance. The girl’s mother, Caroline, has never been happy with her little girl, Princess, she feels she is the reason why she is not getting enough attention from male admirers. Now that she has gotten Edward to appreciate her body, she will not let Princess stop her happiness.

What Caroline did not know however is that Edward has been abusing her daughter behind her. She sees the bruises on her body, but Edwards is always quick to explain that he had to discipline her for her rudeness, laziness and lack of discipline. Princess was never given any chance to explain, and so she became a shadow of herself until a blessed mother in form of her new teacher noticed the sadness and bruises on her face. The teacher after knowing the plight of Princess took the case to the school administrator who first had Princess checked up at the school’s health centre. The doctor confirmed that she has been tampered with severally. It was at this point that the matter was turned in turn to the police.

Caroline and her live-in husband were arrestedImage. immediately. It was at the court that Caroline was hearing for the first time that her beloved boyfriend Edward had been sleeping with her daughter for ten months.

Not only will Princess need rehabilitation, she needs change of environment, new guardians and her self esteem need to be worked on. She has been emotionally and sexually abused. Caroline was sentenced to ten years imprisonment while Edward got fifteen years imprisonment sentence. 

A lot of single mothers need to be applauded for being strong for their kid(s) giving them the best through thick and thin; yet some set of single mothers have thrown caution to the air in quest of getting suitors for themselves. There is so much sexual perversion in the society these days that I fear for the future of our kids. We have a challenge before us. We are responsible for what happen to our next generation, so let’s get equip and equip our off springs. If you do not learn to teach your kids about sex education, he/she will learn it either from friends or internet. Start by teaching them early the parts of their bodies that are public and private. Don’t wait until they have been abused before you start regretting…it may be too late then. It is good to have lesson teacher for your kids at home….it is great to hear that you send them for special studies in church/mosque; but how sure are you that ‘those lesson times’ are not used for something else? Don’t trust anyone too much at the risk of the sanity of your kids, the best you can do is to let your kids know the boundaries and make sure you are their best friends, that way they can confide in you anytime.

I have heard lot of cases of incest, uncles abusing their little nieces, step brothers and sisters involving in terrible acts. It is very sad to see so called respectable religious guardians abusing innocent kids in their care, house- helps abusing the children in their custody….. My question is who is touching your kid’s body behind you? Don’t get carried away making money while your kids’ future is being tampered with; teach your kids how to be accountable to you and how to report any “touch” or “closeness” that makes them feel uncomfortable. Let’s bring sanity back to the society by protecting the kids in our care; we will all give account to God one day, what will be in your score card?

 

 

 

Jilted…but not defeated

Pretty young woman with arms raised

Most of us have been through different kinds of abusive relationships yet we stay put in the relationship hoping our partner will change after marriage. That exactly is where we go wrong. If s/he cannot change the bad attitudes now it will take a miracle for the change to happen after marriage. This is because we display our best attitudes during courtship just to win our lover’s heart only to relax when we are married. In this edition, I will be discussing the prevalent kinds of abuse people go through in relationships. They are emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse.

 

I was once a victim of emotional abuse. I once dated a guy who could walk in any time of the day to declare that our relationship was over. Each time this happened, I would cry and become very devastated only for him to come back few weeks or days later begging on his knees that his life would be meaningless without me. Going by my love for him, I accept him back easily only for him to repeat his folly few weeks later. This went on and on, the more it repeats itself, the more I became an emotional wreck. In about our one year courtship, I had the relationship ‘broken’ and ‘repaired’ like seven times until I said it was enough. Any man/woman that takes pleasure in making you cry is not worthy to have you. Let me put it this way, if your partner toys with your emotions, then s/he cannot be your spouse. Free yourself before you tie the knot. Remove his/her spell on you before you walk down that aisle. Some supposed lovers will date their partners, use and dump them after promising heaven and earth. Those are the people I call heartbreakers, ‘human-abusers’ and ‘jilters’. No matter the pain you have gone through in the past; do not let it be your end because it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. For surely, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Have you ever been through verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is when you are always put down through utterances and words. If insults, destructive criticisms and words that hurt someone’s self esteem are usually used on you, then it means you are being subjected to verbal abuse from your attacker. The worse is when such person is your lover/partner. Such person make you feel inferior before his/her friends, colleagues, family and well wishers. If you are in a relationship with that kind of a person, then you are in a destructive relationship. Such a relationship will not allow you to be your best. It will only discourage you from discovering and using your potentials. Your fiancé/fiancée should see you as a blessing and not an excess baggage, anything short of this is not worth it.

 

Rape, incest, sexual assault, prostitution, lesbianism, homosexuality to mention a few are forms of sexual abuse. Sex is designed to be enjoyed between a married man and his wife, anything otherwise is perverse and has consequence. I put it to you that virginity is still a virtue, fornication remains a capital sin. Times may change but foundational principles behind humanity remains unchanged. Save yourself from everlasting guilt and sexually transmitted disease, abstinence from sex is the key if you are yet to marry. For those who were raped or taken advantage of forcefully, there is hope. Don’t live in the pain of the past, seek professional help, go for counselling, and talk to someone who can help you overcome the stigma.  You do have a great future and it is possible to end up marrying someone who will value you and treat you with royalty just as you were created to be.

 

Anyone that takes pleasure in inflicting physical pain on you through beating or hitting you with hard objects is subjecting you to physical abuse. Some ladies have become slaves in the hands of their ‘macho’ fiancé. They are being molested and hit with hard objects most times for every mistake they do. Some even harm their partners for mere suspicion because they are possessive. If the guy keeps beating you now while you are still courting, he will likely kill and bury you secretly after marrying you. There are some ladies too who are good   in slapping the men in their lives, this is nothing but perversion of the highest order. True love cares; it does not inflict injury on someone. Set yourself free now from that destructive relationship before you lose your life. A word is enough for the wise.

 

For all those who have been jilted one time or the other, it is not the end of life, do not commit suicide. That s/he walks out of your life means you deserve someone better. Don’t give up on life, you will love again and you will be happy!