Betrayed with a kiss….

kissMarilyn is yet to come to terms with the reality that she caught her best friend and spouse red handed, committing adultery. She is not a perfect woman but she has given so much to make her home a great one. She loves her husband dearly and there is nothing that is too big for her to sacrifice for her marriage and her husband knows this so well. She trusted her husband absolutely and so was shocked that her close friend and beloved spouse would stab her at the back.

Jane is battling with low self-esteem. She gets jittery around guys including family members. She hasn’t found the courage to tell anyone yet that Uncle George raped her three years ago right in her father’s house when dad and mum went for their annual vacation. It still hurts anytime she remembers her ordeal in the hands of a relative whom her parents trust and adore so much.

Tito was set up by one of her friends to be gang raped. It was a bitter experience; she lost her virginity due to her friend’s brutal betrayal. She has therefore vowed not to have any female friend again.

Johnson and James grew up together as friends and ended up starting a business which expanded so well in a few years. It got to a time in the course of one of their expansion moves that Johnson discovered the company has been defrauded by one of the contractors. He quickly called in fraud examiners who swept into action immediately. The result showed that James was the brain behind the fraud and he had been doing it since the inception of the business; Johnson suffered a major heart attack from the discovery.

A lot of people have had their hopes dashed and their dreams shattered by people whom they had trusted so much. Some have shared their dreams with pals only to have those pals claim copyright of such ideas later in the future. The importance of trust and fidelity cannot be over emphasized in a relationship. In fact, no true relationship exists without trust because trust is the fuel that drives the vehicle of a relationship. Broken trust is never easily regained because trust is always earned.

Let me ask you, have you ever been betrayed with a kiss just as Judas did to Jesus? Has someone you care so much about caused you great harm in the past? Betrayal when not handled well can cause great enmity between people who were once best friends, business partners, spouses or lovers.

You owe your partner your utmost loyalty. As a guardian or mentor, you owe your protégés and those young ones your loyalty and utmost protection from predators. Do not sexually abuse anyone by virtue of your position. Do not betray the trust bestowed on you by others. Do not lose your respect for a minute of insatiable sexual pleasure. Do not sell your conscience for gold and silver. Do not trade your fellow man’s future out of envy; just like Joseph’s brothers did to him. You don’t need to envy anyone because inside you are great treasures waiting to be harnessed to bless the world.

Self-control is a great virtue, desire and imbibe it. When tempted to do what is wrong or hurt someone else, you have the power to say NO.

You might have stepped on some toes in the past….it is time to reach out for their forgiveness. They may not want you close any more because you betrayed them but you need their forgiveness to keep going in life. Send that apology mail today. Make that call now or you may have to visit him/her in person to physically express how sorry you are for letting them down. Don’t be too proud to go on your knees if need be, don’t let your ego be your doom.

To everyone that has been betrayed with a kiss…wounds sustained from betrayal by friends and loved ones hurt so much but you have to let go of the past so you can enjoy the peace and freedom attached to forgiving. It is well with you.

Help! My Spouse has Changed!

Betty is unable to understand her spouse anymore. He seems to have changed from the guy she courted two years before marriage. He is now exhibiting behaviors that are so strange to her. He snaps at her these days and finds intimacy so boring and weird. And oh, they’ve been intimate since their courtship days. It was a way to prove she loved him. She couldn’t deny him sex, not after he proposed to her in front of his family members on his birthday. He showed he desired her above all other women in the world and that is what every woman wants; a man that will make her his ‘numero uno’.

What Betty did not realize is that learning about one’s future spouse or partner stops once they start having sex before marriage. So most of the signs she was supposed to look out for stopped beingvisible to her, she stoppeddiscovering her fiancé and instead started feeding his sexual urge. The senses cease to work once emotions are out of control and sex is involved.

The same way the foundation of a building is important to its durability, so also is the foundation of any relationship. How was your relationship founded?

Relationship is not synonymous to gambling and we should put in conscious effort when we want to enter into it. A spouse does not just change overnight, there would have been signs that had been overlooked….instead of whining or crying over a spouse whose love and affection you’re losing, it is important that you try to find the source of the problem and address it squarely.

Starting out as a cute couple is beautiful, growing together in love and intimacy as the years go by is more commendable. Successful relationships take great work. It is good to be married to a great partner, it is however better to learn how not to take that spouse of yours for granted day in, day out. We are humans and there is the possibility that we change but what kind of change is taking place in our lives; positive change or otherwise? Any change that is detrimental to our spouse is also detrimental to us. Don’t neglect the treasure you are married to at the expense of the temporal flashy distractions in your work place.

Don’t wave aside any slight issue you notice between you and your spouse, create time to talk about it together.

Circumstances, pressures and daily challenges make people change but how we react to and address the change will determine whether we will lose our spouse to change or not. Learn to be patient and accommodating. Avoid situations that make you snap and shout at your spouse. What will make relationships last arenot feelings, emotions or sexual attraction; it is a dogged determination to stay faithful to the one you made a vow to love. Through the changes, the ageing, the sagging of breasts, menopause, old age, illness and fatigue, you promised to be his/her one and only; now it is time to fulfill the promise.

Pick that phone now; apologize to your spouse for speaking rudely or roughly or angrily to him/her in the past. Don’t be deceived, one of the best decisions you made in life is your marriage to that man/woman, don’t think of divorce now because you just met someone who seems to be spicing up your life; it is a temporary excitement, it will soon fade. Go back home to the man/woman you married; it might not be his/her fault that he/she changed, situations beyond his/her control might have caused it. Kindly hold his/her hand and talk about the change; you both can walk through this change gracefully with smiles on your faces; yes you can. Learn to enjoy the beautiful changes that occur in your spouse’s life as you grow old together; you also have to learn how to cope or manage the changes that ‘somehow’ irritateyou….it may look hard but it will not be when you are ‘in love’.Image

My Spouse’s Ex

ImageDavid’s parents never supported his relationship with Leah from day one. It took a lot of pressure, personal conviction and confirmation from God before David decided to put an end to their four years courtship. However, it was only in David’s heart that the relationship was over; he couldn’t face Leah to tell her. They were each other’s first love and he remembered promising her to always be there for her no matter what happens. David always found it difficult to hurt people’s feelings, especially those he loved dearly; but in this situation, it was so crystal clear that God wanted him to move on in life but definitely not with Leah.

Not so long after, he met Treasure whom he fell in love with. He loved almost everything about her. He took his time to ask her out and she gave her consent to their lives together. It was after Treasure gave a yes to his proposal that David told her about his ex; Leah, he told her that he did not end the relationship verbally with her but in due time she should discern his distance means he is no more interested. Treasure was not happy that he didn’t end it with his ex verbally but David re-assured her that there won’t be any issue.

In a short while, Leah found out and confronted David who confirmed that he had met somebody else.  Leah was so bitter she almost committed suicide, she reminded David of his endless promises to her. David begged her and promised to still remain her friend. To fulfill his promise, she mandated him to call her everyday until she gets over the whole trauma. He promised he will and also told his fiancée; Treasure, about it all. Treasure felt there was no big deal in the daily call to Leah since it was for her to get over her broken relationship with David.

David and Treasure are now married; Treasure discovered her husband still calls Leah and that realization has made her very sad. There were times that she had caught him receiving calls outside their home and when she walks up to him suddenly, he usually has guilt written all over his face. Let me chip it in here that throughout his relationship with Leah, he never slept with her, yes! He is from a familywith strong moral values that believe abstinence from sex before marriage is not negotiable.

Your Ex is your past; don’t empower it to trouble your present and future. Singles must be careful not to believe love is blind and then fail to notice any form of anomaly during their courtship, there are some things that need to be dealt with while courting. If you caress and pamper those things instead of addressing them, they will grow very strong and contend with you in marriage.

So he/she flirts with someone else while you are courting and you feel comfortable with it because he has fixed the wedding date between you two? You are playing with fire. An Ex is an old flame that has the power to start up a new fire of emotions in you if you refuse to create the necessary distance. If your fiancé/fiancée sees nothing wrong in telling ‘small’ lies now in courtship, marriage to him/her won’t stop that behavior. Some spinsters and bachelors need serious ‘overhauling’ of their behavior before they are fit for marriage.  Dear single sister, if you attracted him with your beauty, you will need good character to retain him. Parents, let’s train our kids well because an attractive lady without morals and manners will make a mess of her husband and home. A handsome man who has a problem zipping up will end up in disgrace. It is true that there is no perfect spouse but discipline is critical. Let your ex remain your ex; your spouse is too precious to be disturbed with a past that didn’t end well.

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When last did we talk?

ImagePhilip and Paula are lovebirds, they’ve been married for some years and they have had things going well for them. Their careers keep getting better year after year. The more it gets better the more time it steals from their relationship. It got to a point that communication between both of them became badly affected because they hardly had time to sit together, chat, stroll and look into each other’s eyes like they used to do.

 

Not too long, Philip stumbled on a text message on his wife’s phone that showed she has been in constant emotional talks with someone of the opposite sex. He was dumbfounded. What did he do wrong? Why would Paula pay him back this way despite how he has been devoted to her? He confronted her and she denied having any sexual relations with her friend but it was so evident that she was too close to this guy; he seemed to know all the things happening to her in recent times which her husband did not know.  

 

I know of some couples who do not joke with date nights or nights out with each other, they make it a point of duty to observe it regularly or once a month; because they know that it helps them to connect strongly with one another as it fans the flame of intimacy between them. You always have a way of creating quality time for someone you value so much no matter how tight your schedule is.

 

It is so important that you call your spouse regularly just to express how much you care and value him/her. Learn to send romantic messages to your spouse at work; it helps to reduce the weight of pressure he/she may be facing. Don’t underestimate the power of an emotional message. Words are powerful; they can make or mar our moods. 

 

Some couples may find it so hard to eat dinner together because they arrive home at different times; however, praying together before bed time is not negotiable. Don’t trade it for anything. Praying couples win together. Try as much as possible to avoid arguments and if they occur, don’t go to bed at night without resolving them. You both form a strong team; successful teammates don’t fight one another, rather they celebrate and watch each other’s back wildly.

 

When last did you have deep communication? I mean when last did you express your profound feelings for each other without uttering any words? When last did you make love? It may be possible that in between your tight schedules you both tried to have sex, but did you create time for real love making? Don’t get so busy that you do not have enough time to enjoy your spouse at this deepest level.

 

I will strongly advice that your spouse should be your best friend. This helps both of you to keep bonding despite the pressures you face daily. You start building bridges between you and your spouse when you keep secrets from one another. Don’t fall for the snare of the enemy, protect your love-life and preserve your relationship. Don’t throw away that beautiful thing going on for you as a result of your carelessness and negligence. Learn to be selfless in your relationship to others most especially to your spouse. Whatever happens to your spouse affects you either directly or indirectly so why take the risk of being careless. Believe it or not, your spouse is your life. He/she is your fellow pilgrim in this journey of life, how you treat him/her will determine whether you will enjoy or endure the journey.

 

It is pertinent that we know that our relationship needs maintenance the same way we care for our fixed assets. A relationship you neglect will suffer. You have the power to make your relationship what you want it to be. Don’t gamble with your love-life. A lot of people are social media savvy at the expense of the emotional wealth of their relationship. Don’t be a social media celebrity/guru at the expense of your home. A sage once said, “it is better to be phoneless than to be homeless” (Roger that). A man/woman is truly wealthy if he/she is healthy emotionally.

 

If your spouse will have to clamor and struggle always in order to spend quality time alone with you, especially for bonding….watch it…your communication network is weak and needs urgent attention(service). For a woman, real intimacy starts with talk. Create time to listen to her ‘spoken’ and ‘silent’ words. 

 

So let me ask you, “When last did you talk with your spouse?” You may need to relearn how to talk not only with your mouth but also with your eyes, hands and your whole body. Your spouse’s body language is critical here if you don’t want to lose his/her heart. Re-connect with your spouse now, make that call to him/her, and send that love message, book a date night for both of you. It is well with you.

 

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Divorce?…Not Me!

ImageIt is so disheartening to see how great marriages we envy crash these days like a house of cards. Divorce has now become a cancer eating deep into the fabrics of beautiful homes and one begins to wonder if there is hope for the institution of marriage. Without any doubt there is still hope for the great institution of marriage but one of the ways to tackle the divorce issue is to identify some of the causes of seemingly irreparable damage in marriages which leads to divorces a lot of times.

 

  Now let me share with you a few reasons why marriages fail… 

INFIDELITY: – It is not easy to bear the betrayal and hurt of a cheating spouse. It takes a broken and healed soul to forgive a spouse who indulges in extra marital affairs. The union may not last if one of the spouses is an unrepentant cheat who cannot stop having illicit affairs, though he/she may beg for forgiveness each time he/she is caught with someone else. It is even more heartbreaking if the cheat is indulging in a same sex (gay) relationship. The betrayed partner in most cases may never recover from the shock and thus the relationship may collapse like a house of cards. 

A marriage may come to an end if there is a NO SEX situation. This could be as a result of a spouse being obsessed with pornography and masturbation so he/she no longer derives pleasure in real sex, thus he/she commits EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY because all the emotions that such a person is supposed to bestow on his/her spouse is being invested on addictive behaviors like pornography, drinking, womanizing, gambling, masturbation and more. In this kind of situation, the betrayed spouse may go through EMOTIONAL NEGLECT which will cause the couple to drift apart emotionally, though they may still share the same bed. At this point, they are no longer soul mates but mere bed mates.

POOR COMMUNICATION make couples disconnect with time and this may sometimes be because of LONG SEPARATION. Some great couples have lost their homes as a result of distance created in pursuit of jobs/career/contracts that keep them away from each other for too long. In some cases communication breakdown is a result of misunderstanding, immaturity, different backgrounds (upbringing and culture), irreconcilable differences, refusing to offer forgiveness for a wrong committed or choosing not to overlook a character flaw.

FINANCIAL CONFLICT can end a relationship easily. In the economy we are in today, it is not even enough for the man only to be gainfully employed, his wife must have what she is bringing to the table no matter how little, that is when she is a good helpmeet. If a woman’s financial needs cannot be met by her husband for a long time without a ray of hope of when things will change for better, she may leave the man without a blink of an eye. 

A relationship that is devoid of AFFECTION and APPRECIATION will end up in frustration. Human beings are created to stay around those who appreciate and celebrate them even for the little things they do. When this is lacking at home, they tend to seek it somewhere else and hover over anyone that cares to feed them with it.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE ends a marriage quickly. It is even advisable that the abused partner seek urgent help lest the marriage ends his/her life. Abuse is a terrible thing to experience because it deprives the victim of joy, comfort and happiness and in return inflicts untold pain (emotional and physical) on him/her. 

When people with low self-esteem or unhealthy values get married to each other, there is a temptation for them to want to compete with one another instead of complete each other, so untamed EGO, PRIDE, AND INSUBORDINATION towards one another will erode the beauty of companionship and partnership in marriage. The competition between them becomes unhealthy and could cause divorce if not checked on time.

 

Divorce can be a thing of the past in our society if we CHANGE OUR VIEW ABOUT MARRIAGE: Couples need to learn to view themselves as imperfect souls coming from different cultural backgrounds with different upbringing, so they must learn to exercise patience, perseverance and tolerance by accommodating and managing each other’s uniqueness and peculiarities. Forgiveness is golden and must be imbibed by couples who wish to stay together forever. 

We also need to imbibe MORALS, VALUES AND VIRTUES: Each home must have these and must stay true to them. They guide one’s steps even when faced with sexual temptations.

Sometimes what we need is PROFESSIONAL HELP: Couples need to know that the same way they tell a medical doctor about their ailments is the same way they need to talk to a marriage counselor about their marital issues, especially when things seem to be going out of hand.

Don’t joke with TIME OUT WITH ONE ANOTHER: Marital vows are strong and binding. We should not just say our marital vows with our lips alone, we should recite them with our heart and re-visit them regularly to check whether we are still standing by them. Couples should always take time out despite their busy schedules to get away and spend time together without the kids. They should assess each other to know whether they are better lovers or whether they have drifted apart to become just friends.

Above all, we must NEVER LEAVE GOD OUT OF THE EQUATION: Marriage is a three cord between God, man and his wife. Just the same way you cannot operate a device well without consulting the manufacturer’s manual, we need God’s manual on marriage to make our marriage work. We must be ready to obey His precepts concerning marriage since marriage is His divine idea.

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Love is not enough

ImageFranca is on her way to the hospital, this is the fifth time in three months that her precious daughter, Frances is battling with health crisis. She has sickle cell anaemia and each time she goes through a crisis, her mum, Franca, is always filled with grief and heartache knowing it was something she and her spouse could have avoided. Now her daughter will have to miss her school exams again this term on health grounds. The agony and pain her daughter goes through each time is indescribable.

I lost a bright and brilliant cousin when he was 21 years old to sickle cell anaemia. My beautiful Biology teacher in the college also died at age 39 to the same ailment. As if that was not enough, one of my close friends in college passed away while we were getting ready for our final year due to the same ailment. Ever since then, I have taken time to know what genotype is all about and how it affects the kids one give birth to. 

Why would you with genotype AS decide to marry someone with AS or SS when you know that there is a very high tendency for up to 3 out of 4 of your kids to end up with genotype SS? “Sickle-cell disease (SCD) or sickle-cell anaemia (SCA) or drepanocytosis, is a hereditary blood disorder, characterized by red blood cells that assume an abnormal, rigid, sickle shape. Life expectancy for someone with this disease is short. The term disease is applied because the inherited abnormality causes a pathological condition that can lead to death and severe complications. “(Source: Internet)

Wait, I have strong faith in the miracle working power of God and I preach it always. However, the bible advises that you do not dare such life threatening venture if your faith is not as big as the minute mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20)

I know two Medical Doctors who were in love and planned to get married but the lady declined when she discovered her future spouse and herself were both of genotype AS. She had seen patients, especially kids, go through untold pain and life threatening moments because of their genotype and so she did not want to bring kids to this world who would suffer the same fate. Her fiancé who is a strong believer in miracles told her his own genotype could change to AA before they get married. She told him to go and pray for the change to happen first and then he can come back after the change to propose to her again.

The man took it as a big challenge and prayed to God. His genotype did change to AA. His fiancée had to take the result to not less than three laboratories to confirm the change before she believed. Today they are both married and all their kids are healthy. Do not tell me love is blind. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. Do not make decisions that will make your kids curse you tomorrow. Why birth kids to subject them to regular pain and torture? In your counseling session before marriage, medical tests and advice also count. No knowledge is useless.

Love is beautiful but marry for reasons stronger than the feelings that give you sleepless nights if you have not heard from him/her. Marry for reasons that will make you both stay together even when you do not feel those butterflies in your stomach again. Marry for reasons that will make both of you stick together through thick and thin.

A lot of marriages in the western world crash when the feelings are gone; marriages that last are beyond feelings, they have strong pillars built on values, virtues and vows. It takes dogged commitment for anything to last. It takes more than “I’m in love” to keep a relationship together forever. It is the festive period, a lot of people will meet and claim to be in love when they mingle at recreational centers and holiday spots. Be wise, be careful, do not let your mind and head go to sleep when you are in love lest you get tied down to lust thinking it is love. Let us do it again in 2014. Thanks for staying with me in 2013 and especially for voting for this blog; we won the Best Relationship Blog Award (Judges’ Choice) from Nigerian Blog Awards 2013; your vote pulled it through for us. I value you greatly.

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Together Forever

ImageThis is an open love letter to my spouse and best friend, Festus Olu Alao on our fifth (5th) Wedding Anniversary on 20th December, 2013.

King, it is almost unbelievable that we are five years in marriage and still running. It has been thirteen years of knowing you; four years of friendship with you, four years of dating you and five years of being your wife and lover.

I still remember 23rd October, 2004 when you proposed to me in my father’s house (smiles). I cannot actually remember giving a yes to your proposal, all I just knew was that we started our courtship a few days later and courted for four good years. I actually did not know you came to propose on that day. Our parents have been best of friends, so you naturally became a family friend but I never imagined myself becoming your wife.

You had come over that beautiful day to check on my dad who was ‘strong’, having learnt of the state of his health from your dad. We got talking about each other’s successes. You asked how I had been coping after the ‘broken courtship’ I had; you knew about it because our parents had a way of sharing information about us with one another. Then you asked a very important question, “What qualities do you look out for in the man you want to marry”. In the spirit of ‘gist’ with a close family friend and brother I ‘ranted’ three qualities I hold dear in my heart. So I said: First, I desire a man who has vision. I knew I had a call on my life and I couldn’t be happy living with a man who has no idea why he was created. Secondly, I desire a man who yearns deeply for God. I know a God-fearing man will obey God’s word to the letter and would do me no evil but good all his days and thirdly, my desire is to marry a handsome man (all smiles). Above all, I had made up my mind that no matter how deep I feel for a man, I will never say yes to him unless I receive God’s consent to go ahead.   

I remember you asked me immediately if you have all those qualities I stated; it was then I realised you had come all the way to ask me out and I had said so much already in words to a prospective suitor. I told you to give me time to sort it out with my God because despite the beautiful feelings I have for you, I cannot give a yes if God says no. I had a bad experience in my previous relationship and I had determined that in future, I would wait for God’s approval before saying yes to any man. 

I remember the first love poem I wrote to you, a few days into our courtship, titled “you’re my dream come true”. I recall you had it typed and laminated, you also had it in your briefcase for months. I may not have been presented with expensive gifts during our courtship days but I cherish your love, respect and attention. Thanks for treating me like royalty.

The respect you show me is reflected in the way I am treated where people hold you in high esteem. Thank you for waking up the sleeping giant in me. You challenged me to become a professional. I became a Chartered Accountant after getting married to you. Thanks for introducing me back to the pulpit; I was so passionate about becoming the best wife and mother that I hardly found time to teach God’s word in church. Exactly three years after our wedding, you gave me the privilege to preach in our church during bible study and that was the beginning of my great moments. You marveled at the depth of God’s words in me and you never stopped giving me more opportunities to speak God’s word.

I am always humbled when I hear your male protégés say they pray they marry a wife like me. Your female siblings and teenage sisters in the church are always so proud to call me their mentor, I am so grateful. I am not a perfect bride; just the same way I have some things I would love you to improve on, I seek daily to become a better wife for you. We both are imperfect and we are honest to admit this to each other. We are however so proud to have a perfect God who is committed to helping us become better day after day. Thank you for encouraging me not to give up on us even when challenges push us so hard. You do not know how fulfilled I feel anytime you call me “My Coach”, especially after our regular relationship talks and assessment of how healthy our union is. Your humility and simplicity motivates me. Thank you for being so excited about the super woman I am evolving into daily. You are my hero!

 Permit me to renew my vow to you in Ruth’s voice to Naomi with these words, “…don’t ask me to go away from you, or to go back without you: for where you go I will go; and where you take your rest I will take my rest; your people will be my people and your God my God.”

 

Once a prostitute…

ImageRahab is not the typical lady you would want to fall in love with on a good day. She was a scarlet woman, one who makes ends meet by sleeping with men of different sizes and status. She has the contacts of political leaders and first-hand information of what is happening in town. She however had a strong reason why she decided to be a prostitute in the first place; yet, no reason is strong enough to be an excuse for indulging in such kind of business you would say. One day she saw a beautiful opportunity to stop trading her body for money; the Israelites were coming to town to survey the wall of Jericho where she resides. Her people would do anything to kill the representatives and she would do everything to protect these young men. Despite the view of the society on the type of job she does, inside her is still a large and beautiful heart. She protected the Israelite men from the attack of her people and she ended up saving her life and those of her relatives when the Israelites eventually came to destroy the land on their way to the promise land. One of the Israelite men fell for her large heart and married her. A woman of her tribe and with such career was a taboo to the people of Israel but she was an exceptional case because she was instrumental to the Israelites getting to their promise land.

Tamar prostituted herself with her father-in-law Judah to get a child of her own. She was initially treated unjustly by her in-laws due to the death of her husband and sent packing, promising to call her back when her late husband’s brother is of marriageable age. She later discovered that she had been deceived and to fight for herself, she disguised like a harlot to seduce her father-in-law. When discovered, people hated and scorned her but Judah; her father-in-law realized he had wronged her greatly by punishing her initially for what was not her fault. He accepted her kids (a set of twins), brought her back into his home not as a wife but as a daughter-in-law to wipe away her shame. He never stopped thanking her for giving him kids whose lineage Jesus Christ emanated from.

A lot of times, we look down on people because they have a past the society is not proud of. What would have become the fate of Ruth if Boaz had looked down on her like ‘a second-hand’ woman because she was once married to someone else? Her people were even forbidden to be married to God’s people because her ancestry is a product of the abominable act between Lot and one of his daughters. Ruth however had great virtues; she was hardworking and loving, little wonder she became the great grandmother of King David.

Why do you keep condemning the one God has forgiven? Why look down on a single parent as if she is worth nothing again? Bathsheba had an illicit affair with David yet God forgave her and made her son king after the demise of King David. Jesus told those that brought the adulterous woman for punishment to be the first to cast a stone against her if they were all without sin. Some prostitutes are wallowing in their filthy lifestyles because they feel no one will ever love them again the way they deserve to be loved. Some were victims of rape while they were young; others were lured into it unconsciously. Some are even on a mission to spread HIV to any man available having contacted same via rape. Until you hear their story, I dare you not to judge them. Have you tried reaching out to them with words of hope and love with the aim of helping them re-trace their steps to their maker? Many a times we have ‘prostituted’ ourselves when we desire to go to bed with someone else other than our spouse, but God forgives us each time we run back to him so who are we to judge someone else?

We do not love truly if we cannot love unconditionally like God. It does not matter if she has aborted before, she deserves to love and be loved again. You may say it is not easy for you to reach out to them; your prayers for them will go a long way. You can also donate to NGOs that cater for prostitutes like the Real Woman Foundation and others.

Save a soul today, a future president or reformer may need to be ‘birthed’ by that prostitute you’re condemning. We need more men like Boaz, Salmon (Rahab’s husband) and Prophet Hosea who will love their spouses deeply and wholly despite their ugly past. She may be a prostitute to you today but her creator may need her to bless destinies tomorrow. I value you greatly!

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Much ado about sex in marriage

ImageHave you ever wondered why a sexually eager spouse is married to someone who is not too excited about sex? Do you know a couple or couples who are about to give up on their marriage because of sex issues? Tell them to hang on and read up this piece before making any serious decision.

Myles Munroe, in his book, The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage has this to say: Marriage involves commitment. Sex has very little to do with commitment; it is a 100-percent physical response to physiological and biochemical stimuli. Sex is one expression of commitment in marriage, but it never creates commitment. By itself, sex neither makes nor breaks a marriage. Marriage is broader and deeper than sex, and transcends it. Marriage is perhaps one percent sex; the rest is ordinary, everyday life. If you marry for sex, how are you going to handle the other 99 percent?

In case you don’t agree with Myles Munroe that the importance of sex in marriage is as low as one percent, let us raise the bar to five percent. If then marriage is five percent sex, how will you handle the remaining ninety-five percent of what marriage entails if you marry because of sex. I always tell singles that if your inability to control your sexual urge is the main reason why you decide to marry, then you have gotten wrong the whole concept of marriage. This is because your spouse will not be available 24/7 to satisfy your sexual cravings. Work or occasion may cause you to drift apart for a short while, so ‘if you no fit hold body’ or learn how to control your sexual cravings, you may likely ‘screw up’ in marriage.

You deserve thumbs up and a pat on the back if you are married and you are on the same page sexually with your spouse. That means you largely do not have issues when it comes to satisfying each other’s sexual cravings. On the other hand, if you are married to someone who seems not to be excited about sex or ready for sex when you are ‘in the mood’, then we need to talk.

I want to believe that you loved your spouse so much before walking down the aisle with him/her, so what happened? Why have you drifted from being great lovers to just friends? Sex is a deep, sweet communication between a man and his wife; it is only healthy in marriage. That seriously means if a married couple do not find time to make love often, they will drift apart emotionally. Sex helps couples connect at the deepest level beyond description, covenant between married couples are always renewed each time they make love.

You can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, but you can only make love to someone you adore, cherish, respect and feel so deeply in love with. So one of the reasons why your sex life is dragging may be that you have fallen out of love with your spouse. Sometimes, this is possible if you are distracted by someone else who appeals so much to you that you do not mind sharing your deepest intimate moments with; you may be transferring all the emotions that need to be bestowed on your spouse to your new ‘catch’.

What if your husband wants a change in your body shape or size? Please make a conscious effort to work on it because men are easily aroused by what they see. A woman on the other hand needs her emotions and feelings to be fed always with attention and care. A woman you do not connect with emotionally may disconnect sexually.

Now if two sexually eager partners get married as a couple and they enjoy sex a whole lot, they may engage in sex so much that other areas of their marriage that need their attention begin to suffer or lag. On the other hand, if the man and his wife are both not interested in sex, they may do without it for a long time and this will invariably affect their emotional connection and communication; they may stop being lovers and drift to just being friends.  

Marriage needs maintenance, so does your sex life. Therefore, if your partner is less interested in sex, you are in the best position to motivate him/her or learn how to get him/her in the mood. Love him/her the way he/she wants to be loved. Knowing his/her love languages will go a long way. You both will need to talk about it and be honest with one another. This is why I encourage couples to do self-assessment with each other as often as possible to ascertain the healthiness or otherwise of their relationship. In some instances, for example when talking about it is yielding no result, or when you are not making progress while working at it, you may need to book an appointment with a certified sex therapist.

God encourages that you enjoy the wife of your youth. You are not permitted to stop loving that spouse of yours after saying “Yes I do”. It is well with your marriage. I value you greatly.

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When a loved one dies…

ImageOur prayer is that our loved one should not die but what if it happens, are we gonna ‘kill’ God for it?

 

When dad passed away some years ago we thought we were also going to lose mum because she refused to be consoled. She has just lost a soul mate. We tried all our best to comfort her although she re-assures us with smiles but deep down in her heart we saw that she was bleeding and fading away. We rallied round her and told her how hard it will be if she decides to leave so soon too knowing I am an only child. 

 

Yes as mum was being comforted, I had a great challenge to stand strong, I have just lost a biological and spiritual father, a mentor and my best friend, one I could tell everything being an only child. My fiance now my spouse was around then and he and dad were just so close and yes we had to delay our wedding for two more years in respect of the man who believed most in the success of our relationship. Things were never the same again after the death of my father.

 

As we summoned up courage to make sure the ministry, legacy and church he left behind continues, we also kept encouraging mum how dad will be so proud of her if she decides to keep living to fulfil purpose just as he did.

 

One of my foremost mentor lost his pretty young wife few years back and as most people begin to ask question why God would allow that happen to His servant, some of us knew how she had pulled through severe heart disease and did not allow that affect her impact on the lives of youths and children at large, she was a beautiful soul. I was more concerned later how my mentor would pull through life for he was so knitted together with his wife, they preached and was always going out together as her health permits. She was indeed the Lord’s Leading Lady.

 

My prayer then has always been that God would strengthen him and help him not to fall in the traps of Delilah as he is a man loved by so many. Not too long after a big memorial service for his late wife in which two of her unpublished books were released and a foundation inaugurated in her name, my mentor announced in church that he is going to marry again and he disclosed the identity of the woman he is now in love with.

 

That stirred up rumour as the press couldn’t believe how a young widower like him would decide to settle for a single mother of two. Now listen, who dared question God when He decided to put Rahab, Bathseba, Ruth and Tamar in Jesus’ lineage? To us, these women did not qualify but God thought otherwise, He uses the foolish things of this world to confuse the wise as He shows His mercy to whom He deems it fit; those were the exact words I sent to my mentor’s new wife to be. Anybody that has a problem with her marrying a man of God because of her past should go and sue God for it.

 

I put a text message across to my mentor and it reads, “My prayer for you since you lost your pretty wife is that God would heal your heart and help you love again and He did it. I am not moved by what the press is saying, I am in no position to judge you for the kind of woman you decide to settle with, I know you know what you’re doing and you’ll not settle for anyone whom your late wife will not be proud of where she is. My prayer is that great seeds will come out of your loins via your new wife. I’ll keep praying for you as you take this giant step to a new phase of your life.”

 

He replied almost immediately with this text, “God bless you for those words, they came at the right time, you don’t have greatly they have encouraged me and yes your words are a confirmation of what God just told me. God bless you woman of God”.

 

A lot of times we have compounded the hurt of the bereaved instead of helping them heal. Our words are so powerful, our motives need to be directed well least we do more harm than good to the people we are meant to hold their hands to cross a phase of their lives. I have seen couples who lost a young child and instead of mourning for life, they put a foundation in remembrance of her to support other kids who are suffering from same cancer she died of. It is painful to lose a loved one but when it happens let us do what will beautify their memory not what will tarnish it. Let me encourage you now to live your life fully in pursuit of purpose so that when you die people will be sad that a great hero is gone; don’t let it be that the world will be celebrating at your demise because of the trouble you caused.

 

Earlier this year, my first cousin Dorcas Philips and I put together a solid gospel musical concert in my late dad’s church to celebrate his 7years memorial service. It was colourful, his numerous proteges were around, some of the lives that were impacted through his ministry were full of joy as they celebrate a man who has touched their lives positively. My mum was there as she is still alive and strong doing exploits for God. We no longer cry when we remember dad but always full of joy for a life well spent.

 

Dad was not there when I was inducted as a Chartered Accountant but he will be so proud of his baby girl wherever he is and he will be so fulfilled that I am pursuing God’s call for my life. My mentor has married the lady he chose and they are beautiful together.

 

My dear friend, we may not be able to prevent a loved one from dying but we can live our lives so beautifully well to make their memory and what they stand for touch lives positively even after their demise. The ball is in your court. I value you greatly.

 

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