Married but crushing on someone else

About two years ago a celebrity friend of mine asked me if I have ever fallen in love with someone else since I got married. LOL…that to me looks like a JAMB question so I asked him to answer the question first before I give my answer. His answer was yes and mine was same. Aha…wait before you crucify me, I know there is a thin line between lust and love and sometimes we may have been infatuated with someone else and think we are in love with the person.

I know we have been taught to fall in love over and over with our spouse and never be distracted with a strange woman or man. But the reality is intimacy in marriage is intentional. To keep falling in love with your spouse continuously takes work, yes hard work. Marriage is not for lazy folks. You see, distractions will come, in fact you may think you did not make the best marital choice if you decide to check out every person that catches your fancy.

For the married, it is very important to constantly ask yourself ‘why did I get married to him/her in the first place?’. I am sure you were so much in love with this person before you married him or her. What are those things you ‘fell’ for? (if indeed you fell in love then LOL). An honest answer to these questions is the first move in redirecting your focus and attention to the one you love.
What about the singles who are engaged and courting, planning to walk down the aisle yet crushing on someone else? You may need to pause to dot your Is and cross your Ts. You really need to pause to know if your heart is sending you a signal you need not ignore. It will be very bad to be married to one person and be connected emotionally to someone else. Pressures should not be the reason you want to marry. Love should be the reason. In the words of Praise Fowowe, ‘Love is a decision that is based on a commitment to add value to someone else for the rest of your life without expecting a thank you’.

It is very good for singles to go for pre-marital counselling before walking down the aisle. It is not a good experience to be married and wishing to be single all over again. Take all the time you need to make the choice that will walk through the journey of life with you no matter what you face.

Start Better Afresh


Leah (not her real name) shared her story on my Twitter Platform some months back when I invited her to facilitate. It was #WhenSinglesgather and she shared how she fell in love at her early twenties to someone her parents would not approve of. But damn it she was in love, expecting a child and nothing could change that…. she had a heart to heart talk with her ‘bobo’ and decided to elope.

She started facing reality when she eloped, her guy started abusing her after the birth of the first child but she was determined to win the love of her man back. She felt the man must be misbehaving because of the pressure of being a father.
The abuse however didn’t stop and she didn’t leave. She had the second child in the midst of abuse. It got to a time that she knew that if she didn’t leave the relationship she would die; after all it is mere co-habitation.

That was how she walked away with two kids in other to stay alive. The first thought would be who will marry her with two kids?
Today she has a new child who is one year plus, got married to the father of the child about three years ago. Her husband happened to be a handsome man who has never been married before. Great things have happened to her, she wrote a book to chronicle her story, which became an Amazon Best Seller; all just because she dared to START BETTER AFRESH.

Ayo, my good friend is a Public Speaker, he met Ebun and they started a beautiful relationship. They both loved the Lord and believe in sexual purity. They of course represent a power couple because they form a formidable team. Few months into their relationship, they wanted to be sure if they would eventually head to the altar. They went for a genotype test. The result of the test shattered their hearts. It showed that they are both AS and they know the implications. They wouldn’t want to have children that will constantly be in pain, children with sickle cell anaemia.

Ayo had the faith that his own genotype could change if he believes and trust God enough; after all he had seen it happen to one of his friends. Ebun however had lost hope on all that, she still loves Ayo but couldn’t go through the risk. One of the most difficult things to do for Ayo was to let her go. Not too long Ebun met another amazing man who happens to be AA, she liked him and told Ayo about the new found man. Ayo gave her his blessings. She got married early this year.

We were so concerned for Ayo, we knew he was happy for Ebun but we also knew he was hurting terribly for not marrying Ebun. I made it a point of duty to keep him in my prayers.
Today, Ayo is engaged to a great woman who shares similar vision with him. They will be walking down the aisle soon; this is because he decided to START AFRESH BETTER.

Now let me share some points with you if you resonate with any of the story above or if you need to start afresh better in any area of your life. Have you been through divorce or know anyone who did? This piece is a good read for him or her.

1. Acknowledge that the previous relationship ended.


2. Do not blame yourself for whatever was beyond your control in the previous relationship. Sometimes we lose something-good to get something-great.


3. Cry if that will make you better. Don’t bottle your emotions. Find someone trust-worthy who you can talk to, to make you feel better. Tears are therapeutic; sometimes it is what you need at the moment to get going.


4. Determine not to make your life come to a standstill all just because your relationship ended.


5. Glean all the lessons possible from previous relationship. Learn from the mistakes you made (if you made any) so you won’t repeat them in future.


6. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you committed and forgive your ex if he or she has hurt you in anyway. He/she may have taken advantage of you in the past; you need to forgive before you can start better afresh.


7. Give yourself time to heal. In case your ex hurt you, you have to grow up emotionally to an extent that you won’t feel bitterness when you remember him or her, until then you are yet to heal. See; don’t be in hurry to start off another relationship when you are still in pains of the past relationship. This will only bring further pains to your new relationship.

This is what I mean. You will unconsciously do transfer aggression to your new partner of the wounds you are still suffering from. This of course will be an unfair treatment on your new partner because he/she will be suffering from injury caused to you by your ex.


8. Seek closure. If it takes too long for you to heal totally from the hurt of the previous relationship, I suggest you seek the help of a professional relationship counsellor. It is okay to mourn a sweet relationship turned sour but if after six months you still hurt so badly as if the hurt is fresh….please seek help as urgent as possible.


9. Get a relationship vision board.
This is a pictorial representation of your dream relationship. Cut out pictures of couples you admire from magazines and internet and paste them on your vision board or cardboard and paste them on the wall of your room where you can always see them.

You can cut out pictures of couples on honeymoon, vacation, date nights and paste them on your vision board where you can always see them. See them, believe them and command them into reality.


10. Get a relationship Affirmation.
Affirmations are powerful. Words are powerful and they can create great things out of nothing.
Write out what you desire for your relationship.
Below is an example of Affirmation written by a client after the session she had with me:
This month I attract my better half
A man who loves me just as Christ loves the church
I attract a faithful man, a man who loves God and is ready to work for and with Him. I attract a man whose genotype is AA, who is patient with me and corrects me in love;
a man who is very much in love with me.
He is filled with my love. I attract a man who finds me attractive than any other lady in the world. He cares for me; he stays successful in every area of life.
We are building a great home together. Together we are fruitful and give birth to wonderful kids. I attract a man who is hard working, who motivates me, support my dreams and career. I attract a man who values my opinion even as we build our home together. I attract a man who never raises his hands to hit me or abuse me verbally. This and many more happen to me naturally and with ease. Amen!


As a man, you can edit it and coin it to suit you. You need to be consistent with reciting the affirmation and believe it strongly.

11. Always improve yourself.
I mean go for self improvement. Don’t remain the way you were when your old relationship ended and expect to attract someone better than your ex with the same old you. Grow yourself, build yourself and stretch yourself.


Challenge yourself to a better you. Would you be attracted to you if you were someone of the opposite sex? Always ask yourself that.

Lastly: Dress for a new beginning.


Dress like a Princess if you want to attract the Prince. Stop dressing like your past relationship. You can start better afresh, you can start NOW. Yes you can!

Guard your heart against Heart breakers

wpid-for-my-blogYour heart is so precious and should not be toyed with. A lot of times we attract wrong people into our lives and then wonder why they treat us badly. Anyone who does not place value on you will not treat you well.

Let me start by asking you what value you place on yourself. A lot of times we see signs from a prospective heart breaker, yet we ignore them and reassure ourselves that what we feel for our partner is enough to take care of our relationship. Love should not be one sided. For a relationship to survive, affection and devotion must be mutual. It should be a two way thing. It should be symbiotic and not parasitic.

In a relationship, the communication line must be kept open. Are you both making effort to reach each other as often as you can or is the effort that of one person alone?  If she calls all the time and he never makes an effort to reciprocate unless when he needs something from her, he is a predator. If the only time she ‘flashes’ his phone or send text messages is when she wants something from him; she won’t last long in that relationship.
As a single person, if all your partner is asking for is sex and he/she can’t be disciplined enough to wait till you exchange marital vows. Watch it! You are courting a heart breaker.

If you have aborted for him once and he is still not ready for marriage but he keeps asking for sex, you are probably a play thing in his hands and he will soon do away with you.

A lot of us don’t know we need to first commit our hearts to God before we commit it to men. A man who has no regard for what God says about sex or sin will not find it difficult to cheat on you. Someone who keeps friends with womanizers and adulterers will soon tread that path if he does not change company.

It is good to admire the shape or the figure of that guy or babe but it is more rewarding to look out for the kind of future that person projects.

Let me conclude with the advice I usually give singles when they ask for counsel just as they are about to  start a new relationship; ‘Fall in love with your heart but don’t let your brain go to sleep while in love, open your eyes and be sure to observe and address all negative signs’. May you never be a victim of serial abuse!

He Proposed…She said No! So what?

My attention was drawn the story of a young man making news on the social media of recent. He went out with his supposed girlfriend to a popular shopping mall and proposed to her right in the midst of the crowd. Guess what? The babe gave a blatant NO!

How do you expect the guy to feel? His ego will be hurt, he will be disappointed and ashamed. He may even feel very angry at himself for putting himself in that position and with his girlfriend for giving him a NO. Above all, he will be unhappy.
Despite this, it is not the end of the world, he shouldn’t lose hope on life because a lady he so much love do not consider him qualify to be her life partner.

More so, the man should have known if the lady was into him or not before proposing in the public. He could have tested her privately with suggestive questions similar to the proposal before coming to the public to embarrass himself. Before you can propose to a lady in the public, you must have made her anxious and be looking forward to when you will pop up the question.

Same way, lot of ladies have been heartbroken because they have fallen in love with men who have no feelings for them or plan to have them as life partner for the future.

So how do you handle such situation when you get a No from a proposal.
-Try as much as possible not to be angry. It may not be easy but it is the best way to keep yourself save.

-Remember it is not the end of the world. Most times, what awaits us in the future is always better and finer than what we regret not having in the present.

-Try as much as possible to get busy doing something profitable. Engage your mind positively. Idle mind will make your heart wandering and throwing a pity party for yourself.

-Do things that make you happy. Listen to great music. Watch interesting films and hang around people that can make you laugh.

-More importantly, you may have to talk to someone whose counsel you respect in case you are losing your mind or not better in days. You know that slogan that usually accompanies drug adverts on radio and television , ‘if symptoms persists after a few days, do consult your doctor’ (smiles). A Relationship counsellor or Mind Therapist will be of great help.

She said no to your proposal, so what? It is not the end of the world, it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. I believe so and I need you too to do so. All the best.


Before you start another relationship…

So you are contemplating starting another relationship? That means the previous relationship ended. Sometimes we wish our previous relationship(s) worked out because of our huge investment in it (them) but really if our eyes were opened to see the kind of great future carved out for us, we will be glad that the previous relationship ended because it wasn’t designed to bring out the best in us.

Alright, now that there is no one in your life or you are considering if this person you just met is best suited for you. Let me ask you, what lessons did you learn from the previous relationship?

If you were hurt in the past, have you forgiven your ex? Please know that if you’re still hurting from a failed relationship, you’re not healthy enough to start another one. Why? Your wound is probably still fresh or you’re still healing. If any pain is inflicted on your already existing wound, it can cause you more damage and this in return can make you lash out at your new partner or even make him/her want to pay for the offence your ex committed. Let go of yesterday’s hurt, pain and abuse. Only then are you qualified and certified whole and healthy to give another relationship a try.

Do you still cry when you remember the past hurt? Do you still feel bitterness towards your ex when you remember him or her? Then you’re still hurting. ‘How do I get healed if I’m still hurting?’ you may be asking. Let me help you with a few steps. Forgive yourself, forgive the person that hurt you (free them from the prison of your heart). Here, I say forgive…but don’t forget the lessons you learnt from the past hurt. For instance, if he used to abuse you or she cheated on you over and over before the relationship came to an end, forgive. You need this to move on, but don’t forget how to identify a ‘cheat’ or a man who enjoys abusing his partner, so you won’t fall prey to the same kind of person in future.

In healing from the past, love yourself unconditionally. Treat yourself like the king/queen that you are. Take yourself out and give YOU a nice treat. If no one is your VAL, be your own VAL. Look in the mirror and say all the nice things you want to hear about yourself. Learn to encourage and motivate yourself. This is because you can’t love someone else the way they deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself well enough. You can’t give what you don’t have. Period!

In getting healed from the past, listen to music that ministers and feeds your soul. Songs are powerful, they have a way of touching the heart even the deepest part of it. Be sure to surround yourself with people that believe in you. You need them to forget the past and to move on.

‘It takes courage to love again when you have been hurt. The alternative is to give up on love. Don’t! Be brave to love and love again.’ – Anonymous

One thing I want you to know is that not every man is a cheat, not every woman is after your money. There are great individuals whose main concerns are your happiness and joy. Find and surround yourself with such individuals. You can only attract your quality in the opposite sex. You may not be able to attract diamond if all you’re stuffed up with is wood. Birds of the same feather flock together. It therefore means if you want a Prince, you have to become a Princess (and vice versa).

Before you start another relationship, be ready to give your best and be prepared to let your Maker be involved in it all because relationship was and still is His original idea and He is the best matchmaker ever. His record remains unbroken. That your ex left you is not the end of your life, it is the beginning of the best chapters of your life about to be written. I wait to read your love story.another-relationship