Married but crushing on someone else

About two years ago a celebrity friend of mine asked me if I have ever fallen in love with someone else since I got married. LOL…that to me looks like a JAMB question so I asked him to answer the question first before I give my answer. His answer was yes and mine was same. Aha…wait before you crucify me, I know there is a thin line between lust and love and sometimes we may have been infatuated with someone else and think we are in love with the person.

I know we have been taught to fall in love over and over with our spouse and never be distracted with a strange woman or man. But the reality is intimacy in marriage is intentional. To keep falling in love with your spouse continuously takes work, yes hard work. Marriage is not for lazy folks. You see, distractions will come, in fact you may think you did not make the best marital choice if you decide to check out every person that catches your fancy.

For the married, it is very important to constantly ask yourself ‘why did I get married to him/her in the first place?’. I am sure you were so much in love with this person before you married him or her. What are those things you ‘fell’ for? (if indeed you fell in love then LOL). An honest answer to these questions is the first move in redirecting your focus and attention to the one you love.
What about the singles who are engaged and courting, planning to walk down the aisle yet crushing on someone else? You may need to pause to dot your Is and cross your Ts. You really need to pause to know if your heart is sending you a signal you need not ignore. It will be very bad to be married to one person and be connected emotionally to someone else. Pressures should not be the reason you want to marry. Love should be the reason. In the words of Praise Fowowe, ‘Love is a decision that is based on a commitment to add value to someone else for the rest of your life without expecting a thank you’.

It is very good for singles to go for pre-marital counselling before walking down the aisle. It is not a good experience to be married and wishing to be single all over again. Take all the time you need to make the choice that will walk through the journey of life with you no matter what you face.

Make it a weekend to Remember

One way to revamp your relationship with Le Boo is to spend quality time with him/her. So I just mapped out 10 things you both can engage in together this weekend. All you need to do is to choose what works out for both of you. Remember that great relationships are products of intentional living by each of the partners involved.

1. Learn a new activity together – Take a dance or photography class or learn how to play monopoly; at least that will enhance your knowledge on financial intelligence.

2. Movies with a twist – Instead of haggling over drama vs. action and settling on a comedy flick to keep the peace, why not leave it up to chance. Close your eyes and pick. Whatever it is, both have to agree to honour the choice or it’s not fun.

3. Have an indoor picnic – Serve dinner on a picnic blanket laid out in the living room. Open a bottle of wine with some favorite finger foods. An indoor picnic can be even more fun and romantic than a traditional outdoor one. It’s quieter and no interruptions!

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4. Go to the theater – The Theater is a date favorite. It’s a little classier than a movie and you get to dress up and soak in some culture.

5. Recreate a memorable date – Think of a favorite past date, something that means something special to you as a couple; where you first met, your first date together, where you professed your love or popped the question.

6. Game night – You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. Try a play date instead. Pick up a deck of cards and aboard game for an indoor date.

7. Play sports – Hit the golf course, tennis court, or any other sport that catch your interest.

8. Attend a concert – Live music is always a great way to spend a date. Get tickets to a big name act or enjoy a local band in the park, or a local club.

9. Go to the beach – Lie in the sun, take a swim, or skip some rocks. A day at the beach is a fun date. Why wait till public holidays before going to the beach?

10. Volunteer – Spend some time at a local shelter or food kitchen or even join a community beautification project. Helping others can actually be a great way to spend time together and do some good in the process. You can even spend time at the orphanage with children who need a parent figure.

I hope this makes sense, and that your weekend be memorable with your spouse and all yours.

To sizzling romance today and always.

When last did you hug your Spouse?

adobe-spark-1How often do you hug your Spouse?

Did you know that by hugging your spouse you immediately give them the benefit of boosting their
oxytocin levels; and that oxytocin levels are responsible for how a person feels. So a simple hug can
reduce the feelings of loneliness, isolation and anger for your spouse.

Did you know that when you hug for several moments you can lift their levels of serotonin and this
can improve your spouse’s mood?

Did you know that a hug between you and your spouse can reduce blood pressure and stress? And
When you help your spouse release their stress it can make a marriage stronger.

Did you know that a hug a day keeps the doctor away? Hugging daily is important because you can
keep your spouse healthy.

Did you know that when you hug there is an easy pressure that is placed on the sternum which creates an emotional charge activating the Solar Plexus Chakra, stimulating the thymus gland, which takes care of body’s production of the white blood cells and those keep a person free from disease and healthy?

Did you know that when you hug your spouse daily the non-verbal physical contact will help them sleep better? Better sleep leads to an array of benefits for your spouse. Studies have shown that a hug lowers stress, which means better sleep.

Did you know that Hugging can lead to kisses and kissing may lead to more intimate moments? A hug a day can improve the intimacy in your marriage. It can even lead to a more vibrant sex life.

Did you know that you should hug your spouse each and every day as an act of showing your love to them? Giving a hug is one of the simplest ways to show your love. Anytime, anywhere a hug can is a healthy reminder to your spouse of why you love them so much.

It’s now time for you to go and hug your spouse each and every day, so that your marriage will become stronger.

I just shared 7 Benefits of Hugging Your Spouse Every Day and it is an excerpt from How to Honeymoon for Life.

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There is no relationship that can survive without commitment. No matter the tips I dish out here on how to honeymoon for life, try them 10x over, they won’t work without commitment. Commitment is what makes couple stay together forever taking steps everyday to better each other’s life.

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Today I want to share something I tagged ‘the lovers’ creed’. They are five words or phrases that lovers who intend to stay together beautifully don’t joke with.
They are:

1. I LOVE YOU: This may sound so common but not saying it often may mean that you are taking your spouse for granted. Be creative about it, don’t just say I love you, say words like, ‘I value you’; ‘You mean so much to me’; ‘I do not take you for granted’. Great words like these are countless; explore the power of words to beautify your relationship.

2. FORGIVE ME/I FORGIVE YOU: Great Lovers are made of givers and forgivers. You cannot honeymoon for life when you keep records of wrong doings of your partner. Be quick to forgive and to profess your forgiveness even if you are not the one at fault. Don’t win the war (fight in your relationship) and end up losing your relationship. Be ready to make sacrifices to make your relationship work. Marriage is selflessness personified.

3. I AM SORRY: This is much related to the above. It is easy to say forgive me and not mean it from your heart. Do always show how sober you are after disappointing your partner; action speaks louder than words. Your body language goes a long way when asking for forgiveness.

4. PLEASE: When asking for favour, don’t demand for it as if it is a right from your spouse, show courtesy. Courtesy has never killed anyone, rather it has helped strengthened countless relationships.

5. THANK YOU: Never get tired of appreciating the one you love. Nothing retains one’s smile like remembering one’s spouse is always grateful and thankful. So today, grab that phone and send a thank you text to the one you love and you will be amazed at the feedback.

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Hello beautiful souls, it’s a great day. We started a series yesterday on How to honeymoon for life. We established that it is important to write out our relationship/romance goals and also create a romance/relationship vision board. It is necessary that you do those two if you are determined to honeymoon for life. Now let’s take this higher…

Let me start with this; think not what your spouse will do to make you happy rather think of what to do to spice up his or her life always. And this takes us to love language. I know you must have heard of love language countless times but the truth is, it does magic to relationships. When you speak your partner’s love language, it shows you are not selfish and you care about what makes him or her happy. I love the way my Mentor defines love; he says, ‘love is a commitment to keep adding value to someone’s life for the rest day of your life without waiting for thank you’. That may sound harsh but it is the raw meaning of unconditional love.

Your spouse’s love language can be physical touch, receiving of gifts, quality time, words of affirmation or acts of service. Now, it is possible to have a combination of two or more love languages; where one will be in greater percentage that the other love language(s). It is possible to identify your spouse’s love language by observing how he or she appreciates people. Please note that what hurts also instructs. What is that thing that will hurt your spouse if you fail to do it to him or her? That ‘thing’ is his/her love language. For instance, if you fail to hug your spouse the way he/she wants and he or she gets angry because of this; it means physical touch (hug) is his/her love language.

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Now you get the drift, today, go find out what your spouse’s love language is and build his or her emotional bank. Did you find this post helpful? If yes, click like or drop a comment. Tomorrow we will delve deeper into this topic. Do have a romantic day!

How to Honeymoon for Life

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Great relationships are result of intentional daily actions by each of the partners involved.

Do you desire to honeymoon for life? I know your answer is yes. Alright then, in the next few days I will be dishing out great tips that can help you achieve the romantic family of your dreams.

Begin today by writing down your relationship goals.
What kind of home do you want with your spouse?

Describe the kind of romance you want to exist between you both.
How often do you both want to hang out?
How intimate do you both want to be?

The next thing you need to do is create a romance or relationship vision board.

I know you must have heard of vision boarding before. So now, you create one for your relationship. Cut out pictures of couples on romantic date or vacation and paste them there. Surf the internet or cut pictures from magazines of couples playing together and in happy mood and also paste them there. Visualize the kind of home you desire.

It is easier to achieve what you see constantly starring at you on your vision board. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married, you can rekindle the flame of your love and romance and make it hot and spicy. It begins with you, so start by writing out your relationship goals same way you write out your financial goals and then go ahead and make a vision board out of them. A romantic relationship is achievable!

Guard your heart against Heart breakers

wpid-for-my-blogYour heart is so precious and should not be toyed with. A lot of times we attract wrong people into our lives and then wonder why they treat us badly. Anyone who does not place value on you will not treat you well.

Let me start by asking you what value you place on yourself. A lot of times we see signs from a prospective heart breaker, yet we ignore them and reassure ourselves that what we feel for our partner is enough to take care of our relationship. Love should not be one sided. For a relationship to survive, affection and devotion must be mutual. It should be a two way thing. It should be symbiotic and not parasitic.

In a relationship, the communication line must be kept open. Are you both making effort to reach each other as often as you can or is the effort that of one person alone?  If she calls all the time and he never makes an effort to reciprocate unless when he needs something from her, he is a predator. If the only time she ‘flashes’ his phone or send text messages is when she wants something from him; she won’t last long in that relationship.
As a single person, if all your partner is asking for is sex and he/she can’t be disciplined enough to wait till you exchange marital vows. Watch it! You are courting a heart breaker.

If you have aborted for him once and he is still not ready for marriage but he keeps asking for sex, you are probably a play thing in his hands and he will soon do away with you.

A lot of us don’t know we need to first commit our hearts to God before we commit it to men. A man who has no regard for what God says about sex or sin will not find it difficult to cheat on you. Someone who keeps friends with womanizers and adulterers will soon tread that path if he does not change company.

It is good to admire the shape or the figure of that guy or babe but it is more rewarding to look out for the kind of future that person projects.

Let me conclude with the advice I usually give singles when they ask for counsel just as they are about to  start a new relationship; ‘Fall in love with your heart but don’t let your brain go to sleep while in love, open your eyes and be sure to observe and address all negative signs’. May you never be a victim of serial abuse!

He Proposed…She said No! So what?

My attention was drawn the story of a young man making news on the social media of recent. He went out with his supposed girlfriend to a popular shopping mall and proposed to her right in the midst of the crowd. Guess what? The babe gave a blatant NO!

How do you expect the guy to feel? His ego will be hurt, he will be disappointed and ashamed. He may even feel very angry at himself for putting himself in that position and with his girlfriend for giving him a NO. Above all, he will be unhappy.
Despite this, it is not the end of the world, he shouldn’t lose hope on life because a lady he so much love do not consider him qualify to be her life partner.

More so, the man should have known if the lady was into him or not before proposing in the public. He could have tested her privately with suggestive questions similar to the proposal before coming to the public to embarrass himself. Before you can propose to a lady in the public, you must have made her anxious and be looking forward to when you will pop up the question.

Same way, lot of ladies have been heartbroken because they have fallen in love with men who have no feelings for them or plan to have them as life partner for the future.

So how do you handle such situation when you get a No from a proposal.
-Try as much as possible not to be angry. It may not be easy but it is the best way to keep yourself save.

-Remember it is not the end of the world. Most times, what awaits us in the future is always better and finer than what we regret not having in the present.

-Try as much as possible to get busy doing something profitable. Engage your mind positively. Idle mind will make your heart wandering and throwing a pity party for yourself.

-Do things that make you happy. Listen to great music. Watch interesting films and hang around people that can make you laugh.

-More importantly, you may have to talk to someone whose counsel you respect in case you are losing your mind or not better in days. You know that slogan that usually accompanies drug adverts on radio and television , ‘if symptoms persists after a few days, do consult your doctor’ (smiles). A Relationship counsellor or Mind Therapist will be of great help.

She said no to your proposal, so what? It is not the end of the world, it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. I believe so and I need you too to do so. All the best.

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Before you start another relationship…

So you are contemplating starting another relationship? That means the previous relationship ended. Sometimes we wish our previous relationship(s) worked out because of our huge investment in it (them) but really if our eyes were opened to see the kind of great future carved out for us, we will be glad that the previous relationship ended because it wasn’t designed to bring out the best in us.

Alright, now that there is no one in your life or you are considering if this person you just met is best suited for you. Let me ask you, what lessons did you learn from the previous relationship?

If you were hurt in the past, have you forgiven your ex? Please know that if you’re still hurting from a failed relationship, you’re not healthy enough to start another one. Why? Your wound is probably still fresh or you’re still healing. If any pain is inflicted on your already existing wound, it can cause you more damage and this in return can make you lash out at your new partner or even make him/her want to pay for the offence your ex committed. Let go of yesterday’s hurt, pain and abuse. Only then are you qualified and certified whole and healthy to give another relationship a try.

Do you still cry when you remember the past hurt? Do you still feel bitterness towards your ex when you remember him or her? Then you’re still hurting. ‘How do I get healed if I’m still hurting?’ you may be asking. Let me help you with a few steps. Forgive yourself, forgive the person that hurt you (free them from the prison of your heart). Here, I say forgive…but don’t forget the lessons you learnt from the past hurt. For instance, if he used to abuse you or she cheated on you over and over before the relationship came to an end, forgive. You need this to move on, but don’t forget how to identify a ‘cheat’ or a man who enjoys abusing his partner, so you won’t fall prey to the same kind of person in future.

In healing from the past, love yourself unconditionally. Treat yourself like the king/queen that you are. Take yourself out and give YOU a nice treat. If no one is your VAL, be your own VAL. Look in the mirror and say all the nice things you want to hear about yourself. Learn to encourage and motivate yourself. This is because you can’t love someone else the way they deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself well enough. You can’t give what you don’t have. Period!

In getting healed from the past, listen to music that ministers and feeds your soul. Songs are powerful, they have a way of touching the heart even the deepest part of it. Be sure to surround yourself with people that believe in you. You need them to forget the past and to move on.

‘It takes courage to love again when you have been hurt. The alternative is to give up on love. Don’t! Be brave to love and love again.’ – Anonymous

One thing I want you to know is that not every man is a cheat, not every woman is after your money. There are great individuals whose main concerns are your happiness and joy. Find and surround yourself with such individuals. You can only attract your quality in the opposite sex. You may not be able to attract diamond if all you’re stuffed up with is wood. Birds of the same feather flock together. It therefore means if you want a Prince, you have to become a Princess (and vice versa).

Before you start another relationship, be ready to give your best and be prepared to let your Maker be involved in it all because relationship was and still is His original idea and He is the best matchmaker ever. His record remains unbroken. That your ex left you is not the end of your life, it is the beginning of the best chapters of your life about to be written. I wait to read your love story.another-relationship

Romance is big deal in marriage

ighodaloMelody was in a hurry, she had to be at the airport in the next three hours to catch her flight to Texas. She is billed to minister at an international family conference. Meanwhile a couple has been waiting in her office to see her for counseling; they have vowed not to leave until they see her. It looks like an emergency;her PA sent a message to her via blackberry messenger to inform her that the couple says they are just a few minutes away from divorce. The word ‘divorce’ struck Melody, she will have to see this couple and she hopes to be done in good time so she meets up with her flight.

‘Drive straight to my office, a couple needs me now’ she instructed her driver. It was not long before she arrived at her office and came face to face with the couple. They looked so young and beautiful together, ‘why on earth would you want out of your marriage?’ Melody asked the couple. The husband pointed to his wife, ‘she says I’m boring, she claims she was happier when she was single. I want her happiness. If letting her go will make her happy, I’m willing to do that’, he concluded looking more confused than sad.

Melody turned to the wife who was already in tears; she waited for her until she could find her voice. ‘He doesn’t understand me. He is not always there when I need him. He doesn’t know how to touch me the way I want to be touched. He doesn’t know how to feed my emotions. He often forgets I love to be hugged, touched and pampered. I hurt emotionally. I want out’ she blurted out.

‘What if he learns how to touch you, hold you and feed your emotions the way you want, will you stay and fight for your marriage?’, Melody asked. The woman’s face lightened up at the question, she looked straight at her husband’s face and looked back at Melody and gave an affirmative nod. Melody smiled as the husband made a sigh of relief.

Melody turned to the man, ’learn your wife’s love language and work with it’. She then faced the woman, ’Lauren, turn to your husband and tell him how you want to be loved and touched’. It was a touching moment as Lauren poured her heart out in tears to her husband of three years. Lamide couldn’t hold back the tears in his eyes as he watched and realized how the things his wife desire are so far apart from the way he has been treating her all these years. ‘I don’t just want us to have sex. I want us to make love always. I want you to care about how I feel when we do it. Not just about you getting satisfied but also being concerned enough to find out whether I enjoyed it or endured it’, Lauren concluded.

‘I am sorry, I never knew this was how I made you feel all this while and you never told me’, he lamented. ’You were always busy making money, too busy to notice how I feel’, she replied. They continued their dialogue and poured their hearts out as Melody watched on, it took them several minutes to notice that Melody was waiting for them to finish. She smiled at them, they are much better than how they were when she sighted them almost two hours ago.

‘I recommend that you take a short vacation to rediscover yourselves. Learn each other’s idea of romance as well as each other’s love language’. Laugh, play and if possible cry together. You need to hold nothing back from each other’. ‘I look forward to seeing you stronger and better together when I come back from Texas’, Melody concluded as she prayed with the couple.

‘Mission accomplished’ Melody smiled at herself as she made her way to the international airport, another family had just been saved from divorce; she is living her purpose.