Married but crushing on someone else

About two years ago a celebrity friend of mine asked me if I have ever fallen in love with someone else since I got married. LOL…that to me looks like a JAMB question so I asked him to answer the question first before I give my answer. His answer was yes and mine was same. Aha…wait before you crucify me, I know there is a thin line between lust and love and sometimes we may have been infatuated with someone else and think we are in love with the person.

I know we have been taught to fall in love over and over with our spouse and never be distracted with a strange woman or man. But the reality is intimacy in marriage is intentional. To keep falling in love with your spouse continuously takes work, yes hard work. Marriage is not for lazy folks. You see, distractions will come, in fact you may think you did not make the best marital choice if you decide to check out every person that catches your fancy.

For the married, it is very important to constantly ask yourself ‘why did I get married to him/her in the first place?’. I am sure you were so much in love with this person before you married him or her. What are those things you ‘fell’ for? (if indeed you fell in love then LOL). An honest answer to these questions is the first move in redirecting your focus and attention to the one you love.
What about the singles who are engaged and courting, planning to walk down the aisle yet crushing on someone else? You may need to pause to dot your Is and cross your Ts. You really need to pause to know if your heart is sending you a signal you need not ignore. It will be very bad to be married to one person and be connected emotionally to someone else. Pressures should not be the reason you want to marry. Love should be the reason. In the words of Praise Fowowe, ‘Love is a decision that is based on a commitment to add value to someone else for the rest of your life without expecting a thank you’.

It is very good for singles to go for pre-marital counselling before walking down the aisle. It is not a good experience to be married and wishing to be single all over again. Take all the time you need to make the choice that will walk through the journey of life with you no matter what you face.

Make it a weekend to Remember

One way to revamp your relationship with Le Boo is to spend quality time with him/her. So I just mapped out 10 things you both can engage in together this weekend. All you need to do is to choose what works out for both of you. Remember that great relationships are products of intentional living by each of the partners involved.

1. Learn a new activity together – Take a dance or photography class or learn how to play monopoly; at least that will enhance your knowledge on financial intelligence.

2. Movies with a twist – Instead of haggling over drama vs. action and settling on a comedy flick to keep the peace, why not leave it up to chance. Close your eyes and pick. Whatever it is, both have to agree to honour the choice or it’s not fun.

3. Have an indoor picnic – Serve dinner on a picnic blanket laid out in the living room. Open a bottle of wine with some favorite finger foods. An indoor picnic can be even more fun and romantic than a traditional outdoor one. It’s quieter and no interruptions!

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4. Go to the theater – The Theater is a date favorite. It’s a little classier than a movie and you get to dress up and soak in some culture.

5. Recreate a memorable date – Think of a favorite past date, something that means something special to you as a couple; where you first met, your first date together, where you professed your love or popped the question.

6. Game night – You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. Try a play date instead. Pick up a deck of cards and aboard game for an indoor date.

7. Play sports – Hit the golf course, tennis court, or any other sport that catch your interest.

8. Attend a concert – Live music is always a great way to spend a date. Get tickets to a big name act or enjoy a local band in the park, or a local club.

9. Go to the beach – Lie in the sun, take a swim, or skip some rocks. A day at the beach is a fun date. Why wait till public holidays before going to the beach?

10. Volunteer – Spend some time at a local shelter or food kitchen or even join a community beautification project. Helping others can actually be a great way to spend time together and do some good in the process. You can even spend time at the orphanage with children who need a parent figure.

I hope this makes sense, and that your weekend be memorable with your spouse and all yours.

To sizzling romance today and always.

When last did you hug your Spouse?

adobe-spark-1How often do you hug your Spouse?

Did you know that by hugging your spouse you immediately give them the benefit of boosting their
oxytocin levels; and that oxytocin levels are responsible for how a person feels. So a simple hug can
reduce the feelings of loneliness, isolation and anger for your spouse.

Did you know that when you hug for several moments you can lift their levels of serotonin and this
can improve your spouse’s mood?

Did you know that a hug between you and your spouse can reduce blood pressure and stress? And
When you help your spouse release their stress it can make a marriage stronger.

Did you know that a hug a day keeps the doctor away? Hugging daily is important because you can
keep your spouse healthy.

Did you know that when you hug there is an easy pressure that is placed on the sternum which creates an emotional charge activating the Solar Plexus Chakra, stimulating the thymus gland, which takes care of body’s production of the white blood cells and those keep a person free from disease and healthy?

Did you know that when you hug your spouse daily the non-verbal physical contact will help them sleep better? Better sleep leads to an array of benefits for your spouse. Studies have shown that a hug lowers stress, which means better sleep.

Did you know that Hugging can lead to kisses and kissing may lead to more intimate moments? A hug a day can improve the intimacy in your marriage. It can even lead to a more vibrant sex life.

Did you know that you should hug your spouse each and every day as an act of showing your love to them? Giving a hug is one of the simplest ways to show your love. Anytime, anywhere a hug can is a healthy reminder to your spouse of why you love them so much.

It’s now time for you to go and hug your spouse each and every day, so that your marriage will become stronger.

I just shared 7 Benefits of Hugging Your Spouse Every Day and it is an excerpt from How to Honeymoon for Life.

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There is no relationship that can survive without commitment. No matter the tips I dish out here on how to honeymoon for life, try them 10x over, they won’t work without commitment. Commitment is what makes couple stay together forever taking steps everyday to better each other’s life.

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Today I want to share something I tagged ‘the lovers’ creed’. They are five words or phrases that lovers who intend to stay together beautifully don’t joke with.
They are:

1. I LOVE YOU: This may sound so common but not saying it often may mean that you are taking your spouse for granted. Be creative about it, don’t just say I love you, say words like, ‘I value you’; ‘You mean so much to me’; ‘I do not take you for granted’. Great words like these are countless; explore the power of words to beautify your relationship.

2. FORGIVE ME/I FORGIVE YOU: Great Lovers are made of givers and forgivers. You cannot honeymoon for life when you keep records of wrong doings of your partner. Be quick to forgive and to profess your forgiveness even if you are not the one at fault. Don’t win the war (fight in your relationship) and end up losing your relationship. Be ready to make sacrifices to make your relationship work. Marriage is selflessness personified.

3. I AM SORRY: This is much related to the above. It is easy to say forgive me and not mean it from your heart. Do always show how sober you are after disappointing your partner; action speaks louder than words. Your body language goes a long way when asking for forgiveness.

4. PLEASE: When asking for favour, don’t demand for it as if it is a right from your spouse, show courtesy. Courtesy has never killed anyone, rather it has helped strengthened countless relationships.

5. THANK YOU: Never get tired of appreciating the one you love. Nothing retains one’s smile like remembering one’s spouse is always grateful and thankful. So today, grab that phone and send a thank you text to the one you love and you will be amazed at the feedback.

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Hello beautiful souls, it’s a great day. We started a series yesterday on How to honeymoon for life. We established that it is important to write out our relationship/romance goals and also create a romance/relationship vision board. It is necessary that you do those two if you are determined to honeymoon for life. Now let’s take this higher…

Let me start with this; think not what your spouse will do to make you happy rather think of what to do to spice up his or her life always. And this takes us to love language. I know you must have heard of love language countless times but the truth is, it does magic to relationships. When you speak your partner’s love language, it shows you are not selfish and you care about what makes him or her happy. I love the way my Mentor defines love; he says, ‘love is a commitment to keep adding value to someone’s life for the rest day of your life without waiting for thank you’. That may sound harsh but it is the raw meaning of unconditional love.

Your spouse’s love language can be physical touch, receiving of gifts, quality time, words of affirmation or acts of service. Now, it is possible to have a combination of two or more love languages; where one will be in greater percentage that the other love language(s). It is possible to identify your spouse’s love language by observing how he or she appreciates people. Please note that what hurts also instructs. What is that thing that will hurt your spouse if you fail to do it to him or her? That ‘thing’ is his/her love language. For instance, if you fail to hug your spouse the way he/she wants and he or she gets angry because of this; it means physical touch (hug) is his/her love language.

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Now you get the drift, today, go find out what your spouse’s love language is and build his or her emotional bank. Did you find this post helpful? If yes, click like or drop a comment. Tomorrow we will delve deeper into this topic. Do have a romantic day!

How to Honeymoon for Life

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Great relationships are result of intentional daily actions by each of the partners involved.

Do you desire to honeymoon for life? I know your answer is yes. Alright then, in the next few days I will be dishing out great tips that can help you achieve the romantic family of your dreams.

Begin today by writing down your relationship goals.
What kind of home do you want with your spouse?

Describe the kind of romance you want to exist between you both.
How often do you both want to hang out?
How intimate do you both want to be?

The next thing you need to do is create a romance or relationship vision board.

I know you must have heard of vision boarding before. So now, you create one for your relationship. Cut out pictures of couples on romantic date or vacation and paste them there. Surf the internet or cut pictures from magazines of couples playing together and in happy mood and also paste them there. Visualize the kind of home you desire.

It is easier to achieve what you see constantly starring at you on your vision board. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married, you can rekindle the flame of your love and romance and make it hot and spicy. It begins with you, so start by writing out your relationship goals same way you write out your financial goals and then go ahead and make a vision board out of them. A romantic relationship is achievable!

Start Better Afresh

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Leah (not her real name) shared her story on my Twitter Platform some months back when I invited her to facilitate. It was #WhenSinglesgather and she shared how she fell in love at her early twenties to someone her parents would not approve of. But damn it she was in love, expecting a child and nothing could change that…. she had a heart to heart talk with her ‘bobo’ and decided to elope.

She started facing reality when she eloped, her guy started abusing her after the birth of the first child but she was determined to win the love of her man back. She felt the man must be misbehaving because of the pressure of being a father.
The abuse however didn’t stop and she didn’t leave. She had the second child in the midst of abuse. It got to a time that she knew that if she didn’t leave the relationship she would die; after all it is mere co-habitation.

That was how she walked away with two kids in other to stay alive. The first thought would be who will marry her with two kids?
Today she has a new child who is one year plus, got married to the father of the child about three years ago. Her husband happened to be a handsome man who has never been married before. Great things have happened to her, she wrote a book to chronicle her story, which became an Amazon Best Seller; all just because she dared to START BETTER AFRESH.

Ayo, my good friend is a Public Speaker, he met Ebun and they started a beautiful relationship. They both loved the Lord and believe in sexual purity. They of course represent a power couple because they form a formidable team. Few months into their relationship, they wanted to be sure if they would eventually head to the altar. They went for a genotype test. The result of the test shattered their hearts. It showed that they are both AS and they know the implications. They wouldn’t want to have children that will constantly be in pain, children with sickle cell anaemia.

Ayo had the faith that his own genotype could change if he believes and trust God enough; after all he had seen it happen to one of his friends. Ebun however had lost hope on all that, she still loves Ayo but couldn’t go through the risk. One of the most difficult things to do for Ayo was to let her go. Not too long Ebun met another amazing man who happens to be AA, she liked him and told Ayo about the new found man. Ayo gave her his blessings. She got married early this year.

We were so concerned for Ayo, we knew he was happy for Ebun but we also knew he was hurting terribly for not marrying Ebun. I made it a point of duty to keep him in my prayers.
Today, Ayo is engaged to a great woman who shares similar vision with him. They will be walking down the aisle soon; this is because he decided to START AFRESH BETTER.

Now let me share some points with you if you resonate with any of the story above or if you need to start afresh better in any area of your life. Have you been through divorce or know anyone who did? This piece is a good read for him or her.

1. Acknowledge that the previous relationship ended.

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2. Do not blame yourself for whatever was beyond your control in the previous relationship. Sometimes we lose something-good to get something-great.

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3. Cry if that will make you better. Don’t bottle your emotions. Find someone trust-worthy who you can talk to, to make you feel better. Tears are therapeutic; sometimes it is what you need at the moment to get going.

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4. Determine not to make your life come to a standstill all just because your relationship ended.

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5. Glean all the lessons possible from previous relationship. Learn from the mistakes you made (if you made any) so you won’t repeat them in future.

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6. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you committed and forgive your ex if he or she has hurt you in anyway. He/she may have taken advantage of you in the past; you need to forgive before you can start better afresh.

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7. Give yourself time to heal. In case your ex hurt you, you have to grow up emotionally to an extent that you won’t feel bitterness when you remember him or her, until then you are yet to heal. See; don’t be in hurry to start off another relationship when you are still in pains of the past relationship. This will only bring further pains to your new relationship.

This is what I mean. You will unconsciously do transfer aggression to your new partner of the wounds you are still suffering from. This of course will be an unfair treatment on your new partner because he/she will be suffering from injury caused to you by your ex.

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8. Seek closure. If it takes too long for you to heal totally from the hurt of the previous relationship, I suggest you seek the help of a professional relationship counsellor. It is okay to mourn a sweet relationship turned sour but if after six months you still hurt so badly as if the hurt is fresh….please seek help as urgent as possible.

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9. Get a relationship vision board.
This is a pictorial representation of your dream relationship. Cut out pictures of couples you admire from magazines and internet and paste them on your vision board or cardboard and paste them on the wall of your room where you can always see them.

You can cut out pictures of couples on honeymoon, vacation, date nights and paste them on your vision board where you can always see them. See them, believe them and command them into reality.

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10. Get a relationship Affirmation.
Affirmations are powerful. Words are powerful and they can create great things out of nothing.
Write out what you desire for your relationship.
Below is an example of Affirmation written by a client after the session she had with me:
Affirmation:
This month I attract my better half
A man who loves me just as Christ loves the church
I attract a faithful man, a man who loves God and is ready to work for and with Him. I attract a man whose genotype is AA, who is patient with me and corrects me in love;
a man who is very much in love with me.
He is filled with my love. I attract a man who finds me attractive than any other lady in the world. He cares for me; he stays successful in every area of life.
We are building a great home together. Together we are fruitful and give birth to wonderful kids. I attract a man who is hard working, who motivates me, support my dreams and career. I attract a man who values my opinion even as we build our home together. I attract a man who never raises his hands to hit me or abuse me verbally. This and many more happen to me naturally and with ease. Amen!

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As a man, you can edit it and coin it to suit you. You need to be consistent with reciting the affirmation and believe it strongly.

11. Always improve yourself.
I mean go for self improvement. Don’t remain the way you were when your old relationship ended and expect to attract someone better than your ex with the same old you. Grow yourself, build yourself and stretch yourself.

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Challenge yourself to a better you. Would you be attracted to you if you were someone of the opposite sex? Always ask yourself that.

Lastly: Dress for a new beginning.

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Dress like a Princess if you want to attract the Prince. Stop dressing like your past relationship. You can start better afresh, you can start NOW. Yes you can!

Letter to my Past

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Did you remember that I mentioned that Martha used to dread sex? Yes, she once had fear of sexual intimacy with her husband Matt. Her husband specifically told me that she doesn’t look forward to intimacy and she has refused to tell him why. He tried to be patient with her but he seems to be tired to cajoling her to make love each time he is in the mood. What was supposed to be pleasure has turned out to be spiced with a lot of pressure.

I took time out with Martha; it was all written in her eyes, that there was something she is hiding, a past that has refused to heal. Martha was raped by her maternal uncle when she was six years and that singular incident changed her life forever.

For twenty years she struggled with self esteem and dreads any man coming near her. It was a miracle that she agreed to marry Matt who she never allowed to touch her till many days after their wedding. I told Martha that the journey to having a great relationship with her husband starts with forgiving her rapist and letting go of all the hurts. She needed to seek healing because the past was tearing her apart.

One thing I made her do was to write a letter to her past. I made her vent all her stored up anger on the piece of paper. She cried as she poured out bottled up emotions in words to her uncle who took her innocence and stole her virginity. Matt who watched from my PA’s desk couldn’t hold back the tears either. I remember holding Martha’s hand as I told her to call forth her uncle’s name and declare forgiveness. It was a hard nut to crack yet it was great seeing her go through closure after many years of internal pain and trauma.

It was after this healing process that she started learning to love her body and accept Matt’s show of affection. Matt learnt how to be gentle with her as she learns to accept his touch and take it one step at a time.

Pains of yesterday should never be carried into the future. Hurts from past relationships can hinder happiness of future relationships if not well taken care of. We may not be able to stop people from hurting us but we can determine how long we want to feel the pain.

Stop Worrying, Start Living – Ep 11

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I have been so concerned about you

So concerned that you worry about a whole lot of issues, your relationship, career, future, finance and everything.

You worry forgetting that worrying can’t make things better rather it zaps your energy, happiness, sleep and affects your health.

In this latest podcast of mine, I challenge you to ‘stop worrying and start living’. These are health tips that will help your emotions, relationships and help you live healthy.

Download this episode 11 and get better!

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